I cried so much today I turned into a little bitch.
Honestly, what even is this?
I don't understand what is happening....
I can deal with heaven, I can handle hell, but this fucking purgatory is not for me at all.
How does it make sense that not being able to hang pictures and not being able to visit a location can outweigh holding their soul for them while they break down? How does it outweigh being able to wrap them in my arms and be the hole they so desperately want to be in? How does it outweigh that? I provide more than the things I don't provide.. I'm sure of it. And I'm sure of it because that's not what I used to think until somebody made me think that I provided more for them. And they would say it over and over again until I fucking believed it. And then suddenly it wasn't enough. Suddenly it was a problem.
You know, I don't even know if it has anything to do with hanging pictures for them. Cuz they haven't fucking said a thing. maybe it has nothing to do with that.
If I was a shittier person I would think something fishy is going on here... But that's just me being in my head for too long... Right? Right?
Cuz nothing else makes any fucking sense
We haven't even done half the stuff to know if it doesn't work. We've just hung out at my place a couple times, we haven't even jumped in with both feet yet. It doesn't make any sense.
And how are we just okay with this fucking silence all of a sudden? I know I shouldn't be writing any of this because it's just going to come back to bite me in the ass one day but holy shit. I'm banging my head against the fucking wall trying to figure out how this even fucking happened... I shouldn't have opened my big mouth.
Just grieve what I can't do for you and come back so we can go fucking live a great life
Or not
I don't fucking know anymore
I'll go for lunch with an old friend and maybe that will provide some perspective because right now I am all over the fucking place., and I'm two steps from doing something stupid.. or smart, I honestly can't tell anymore.
Oh, and tiktok... I know you're fucking gearing up there but just chill until it's official. Once it is you can send me all your fucking breakup posts okay? Jesus Christ..
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