Is it wrong that I still think about you (pics) in 2025

2:52 pm I should be getting ready for work, but I feel sick to my stomach. I’m always sad and I TRY, believe me, I TRY to be happy. I try to see the good in every day but what good is it when I’m so alone? Someone left a comment on my last entry about being so alone. Look at my tinder likes.

And I KNOW, I FUCKING KNOW!! I’m not good looking at all. I GET IT. But I’ll see dudes with fucking patches of hair all bald and shit with a gorgeous girl. My dick is a nice size. Fucking thick as a toilet paper roll and a good 7 to 8 inches depending on how good her head game is. Yes, I did the embarrassing measure your dick thing. I didn’t do it, but the girl I was fucking at the time loved to suck my dick and midway she goes let’s measure it. I closed my eyes and she goes, “8 inches” with this fucking smile on her face. It was burned into my brain. Like a core memory. And I don’t sleep around. She was my 3rd and last.

I’ve gained ten pounds since the first photo. The gray hoodie was about two weeks ago and the blue work vest was taken last week.

I struggle with my weight. I eat when I’m sad, nervous, and depressed. Like more than I should. I’m talking ordering $30 dollars worth of Taco Bell at 1 in the morning. Followed by a whole large pizza for breakfast. A 12 pack of soda pop. And it’s only when I’m depressed.

It’s a loneliness that eats at me. From the second I wake. From the moment I see a reel on Instagram that talks about how us guys still think about that one girl. She is my one.

That’s her…

I know, I know, I know; fucking weird shit right? How did it happen? No clue. She was 18. I found that on Tinder and like the creep that I am, I saved it. When work is a disaster, or I’m feeling sad, I’ll tap my phone and look at my lock screen.

One day o was working and that song on my screen came on.

It felt like the world was trying to talk to me. You know when you hear a song and it feels like they’re talking to you?

I always tell people, don’t go looking for new music. The music will find you. This is one of those songs. I don’t know who’ll read this or look up that song but, it starts off with two guys talking. I want to say it’s from a cartoon. This is how it starts.

Guy 1 - I really do like CJ.
Guy 2 - Pfft, DUH you do.
G1 - I’m just afraid of what’ll happen because…part of me is still waiting for Margaret to come back.
G2 - What?! Still?! She’s not coming back dude! She’s gone!
G1 - LOOK! I KNOW ALRIGHT! I KNOW!! It’s just, I mean, I don’t still have feelings for her but I do in a way. It’s like this thing that’s inside of me. And it’s always just sitting there, waiting around. Sometimes I’ll see something, or I’ll smell something, and it makes me think of her even though I don’t want to. Is it fair for me to go out with her when I still think about Margaret sometimes?

It’s JUST like that. 100 percent.

No one has been interested in me. Only two people in real life know that I feel like this. No one else knows that every fucking day they see me at work, in dieing inside. That in constantly thinking of, if I died would it all stop? I know that’s bad, but in desperate. What if I get hot in the head and forget who I am? Will I be a whole different person?

Listen to that song. I read the comments on it (YouTube) and there are a few others out there who still feel that way. Like it was yesterday.

And I’m not-not TRYING to not feel like this. Just random shit will remind me of her or something good will happen and I’ll have no one to share it with. And she’ll come up because she’s who I would tell. I have no one. No one is interested in me. No one looks at me and wants me.

I told one of the girls at work that I made a tinder profile and she said that will make me feel worse, because I’ll question my looks. I’m always questioning it. Then I see who likes me because I paid for tinder plus.

Working two jobs made me numb. I didn’t cover that but I got promoted at work. I’m now a team lead and I work a lot of hours, but I work four days with three days off. Those three days off are the worst. So I got hired on at what a burger and I quit that job Saturday. Maybe when I’m feeling better, I’ll talk about that? Or I’ll leave it at this and carry on with my sadness.

It’s time to take a smile and get ready for work. I’m really good at hiding this though. It’s been four years. She’s 22 now. Four years.

In those four years, I’ve tried to move on. The thing is, I feel like that song. It isn’t right to date someone or to get involved with someone when I still think about her. And it’s like the song. I don’t intentionally do it. It just happens. I get the whole part about seeing something or smelling something. A few days ago I saw a HomeGoods bag and it reminded me of her. One thought instantly came up.

It was right after I told her that her being nice to me is messing with my heart. Some guy came up to me to let me know that she was very helpful. I didn’t tell our boss. I didn’t tell anyone… I just told them sure and I walked back to the dock. Dumb shit like that.

This would be easier if someone liked me, or…I don’t know. No one likes me. No one wants to get to know me. Nothing. Then when I do like someone, they don’t like me and I see them fall for someone else. They’re happy and giving them what I want and it just makes the whole thing worse. It makes me mad.

I even went to the gym!! Nothing. I just got dudes saying I was looking good. Joy. Wrong pond y’all.

And I know someone is going to read this and go well, you sound miserable. No one knows I feel like this!!!

Everyone thinks I’m just this nonchalant guy. An item is what it is guy. I do not stress. I just go cool, it’s a problem for the me of tomorrow.

Behind my very few laughs, or the few times I do something dumb that makes someone laugh or say something that makes someone laugh, I am falling apart inside. If everyone woke up and they found out I killed myself, only two people would know why. And anyone who reads this. They could go, yes, he didn’t because of this. Everyone else would say damn, he seemed like such a chill guy. Quiet. Talked about cats and music the few times I spoke to him. Never would have guessed that he was in such a state of major depression. No one would know. Behind my random dance, or me enjoying an egg roll at work and saying how this is the life, an energy drink in one hand, egg roll in another and a good job…

Fuck. I have to go and pretend I am totally okay when I’m dead inside. And don’t say talk to her. I can’t.