4/26/25 in 2020s

Right now, it’s after midnight on the 26th, but I may not have the energy to edit and post this until later on.

So yesterday morning was my virtual meeting to discuss the results of my home sleep apnea test. Right away, she reconfirmed that I have mild sleep apnea, and I felt both elated and relieved. I was thinking, yay, even though it would be a little tough to get used to, all I would have to do would be to get the CPAP, use it regularly, and restore my energy.

Then she drops a bomb on me—even though Wesper only tests for OSA and not CSA—and tells me that there’s evidence to suggest I also have CSA, and I should still have an in-lab sleep study done. So there went my good mood, making me wonder if my recent strangulation dream was a warning sign. Most of the dreams I have where something bad happens to me or others usually means bad things follow. Not always, but usually.

So as part of the 8-page report, they said this:

DIAGNOSIS: Findings are consistent with Mild Obstructive and Central Sleep Apnea (based on an AHI = 14.9, CAI = 6.2) associated with significant oxygen desaturation (O₂ nadir = 87.0%) (G47.33) (clinical correlation is recommended to determine if further evaluation for cardiac/neurologic etiologies of CSA is indicated).

Tom and I talked about it, and I hope to hell he’s right when he believes that they just want to cover all their bases, leave no stones unturned, and that I likely do not have CSA. We agreed that I would give this CPAP we’re about to order a month or so, and as the report also says, and then if I’m not finding relief, I’ll look into an in-lab sleep study to find out what else could be going on.

Here’s the problem if I do have CSA: the CPAP suddenly becomes hundreds of dollars wasted because I would likely then need to switch to an ASV. Much worse than that would be the driving cause of CSA, usually something like heart failure or some kind of neurological issue. Occasionally, they can’t find any reason at all, but it seems that it’s usually heart failure. If I do have CSA caused by heart failure, I’m kind of fucked because according to the stats I read, it would really shorten my life.

Neither Tom nor I can see this, though. He said, “Someday you’ll get something terrible, but not today.” Well, hopefully I don’t because that would mean I go before he does. I would prefer to stay happy and healthy until he goes, and then go with him.

The report was quite detailed. It’s great that I don’t snore (Tom saw me napping the other day, breathing through my nose and as quiet as a mouse), and I read that most people with sleep apnea actually don’t snore.

Yesterday I had unusually good energy, but I stupidly downed a melatonin last night because I was too stressed out to fall asleep and that caused me to sleep shitty and wake up feeling groggy. Melatonin can cause nightmares, and it did—something about a giant palmetto bug. At least I got to have fun chatting on the phone with Nane while Tom and I rearranged our living room—wherever it was—and I enjoyed the sound of her sexy voice.

Anyway, even though things usually aren’t that simple for me and I rarely get any breaks or off easily, I’m trying not to dwell on the bad feeling that says the CPAP won’t cut it and that I’m never going to get my health back. I’m trying to tell myself Tom’s right (and he often is) and the CPAP alone will be enough to restore my energy. Then again, it doesn’t matter what I tell myself, think, or believe, because whatever is going to happen is going to happen. The CPAP alone is either going to help or not, and it doesn’t matter what we think or believe.

I just feel so bad for Tom. At the same time I love the hell out of him and appreciate him like crazy because he’s done so much for me and been there for me, I almost feel like I’m robbing him of his retirement since so much of his hard-earned money and time he could enjoy and spend doing other things is going into my health instead. I’ve offered to end myself so he can save money and have an easier life, but he is absolutely, adamantly, 100% against that idea. If my suffering doesn’t stop, though, it’s not going to matter what he thinks or believes or wants either. As I’ve said a million times before, I can only take so much.

Doing an in-lab test and having to switch out a CPAP for an ASV wouldn’t be so much an issue—even though that will cost us more money and be a real pain in the ass—as the cause of the CSA would be, if that’s what I have. So fingers crossed that the CPAP is enough and there’s nothing wrong with my brain or heart!

I signed a release for Rhonda to give Circle Medical my records, but I’m not sure what Rhonda is getting in return. Therefore, I updated her and let her know I was going to give the CPAP a chance and then do an in-lab study if that wasn’t enough.

My insurance has a new challenge where you pick one of three activities—be it mindful breathing, swapping a sugary drink for water, or moving for fun—and I picked the last one since I hit the road most days. You log in daily for points. I made it to Slovakia yesterday, but I have no energy to ride today. I’m exhausted. I resolved to take half a clonazepam before bed and then again if I wake up in the middle of my sleep, unable to get back to sleep, until I adjust to the CPAP. Hopefully, Rhonda will give me a refill if I ask for one. This bottle had 90 pills in it, but that was from early December.

So much for thinking retirement would be fun and easy till it got close to the end.

It’s now before midnight on the 26th, and I’m armed with more information and slightly more energy, although not much. I was too tired and lazy to go through the whole sleep report and have AI interpret the numbers and medical terms for me, but without even asking him, Tom was kind enough to go through them. He feels even more confident that I don’t have CSA, but even if I do, he believes the CPAP will eliminate it. He also read that a CPAP can trigger CSA temporarily. I hope he’s right as usual! I’m so tired of battling health issues. If this needed further evaluation and I did have a heart or neurological condition, it could suck every last dime right out of us. This is the wrong country for things like that. We’ll never move or have extra money to do much of anything, whether I have the energy for it or not, if things keep coming up like this. I’m cautiously optimistic that I’ll get better with just the CPAP alone. Honestly, I never sensed myself getting anything that serious anytime soon. That doesn’t mean I still don’t fear being plagued with sleep and health issues. Hopefully, however, I’ll get a break soon enough. I don’t know how long it will last, but I’ll savor every moment of it.

He also learned that my barely mild sleep apnea is now just one event away from being moderate, which fits with the worsening fatigue I’ve had since last September or October. Where I was having 5 events an hour when first tested, now it’s up to 14. One more, and I would be in the moderate zone. If this is what mild feels like, I’d hate to test out severe! It goes to prove yet again that ignoring problems doesn’t make them better. They either stay the same or get worse. If there really is a curse on my sleep, though, and the CPAP helps, something else will come up to disturb my sleep. I just hate that I can’t always nap when I’m exhausted.

We’re hoping that the CPAP we picked out will be here by Friday at the latest. It’s going to be rough getting adjusted, but none of this has been easy. A half a decade of super fatigue is not easy. A couple of poor retirees coming up with $1100 for all this shit is not easy.

I also don’t sleep on my stomach as much as I thought I did, though I probably used to. But because I have a harder time breathing on my stomach, I actually sleep on my left side the most. However, that seems to be where I have most of the apneas, mixed or not. I think I sleep on my left side most because that’s the side my body pillow is on, even though it aggravates my TMJ at times, and I have to change positions.

If the CPAP helps, it should greatly help with my breathing and mood. We’re now pretty sure that what anxiety or depression I feel these days, along with the shortness of breath, is likely linked more to the sleep apnea as opposed to the climate or medication. That doesn’t mean I still don’t have asthma and allergies, but I suspect the bulk of it is the sleep apnea, because on the few days here and there where I have more energy, I don’t feel as bad otherwise.

Because my sleep apnea has worsened after losing a little weight, it makes me wonder if it’s age-driven as opposed to weight-driven, and I read that very well could be the case since the throat muscles lose their tone and strength, and things do change with age.

That feeling in my neck is not nearly as noticeable anymore, and when I ran the symptoms through Doctronic, it thought it was most likely some kind of musculoskeletal issue.

Damn, I’m so damn fatigued I gotta go lay down before I proofread this.