4/23/25 in 2020s

Written last night…

I knew this day would come and that it was getting close, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Especially with this rat. Yeah, our little Tinkerbella has a tumor, and this would be around the time it would become visible because she’s just about two years old. I’m crying like I’ve never been EMDR’d.

I was lying on the floor playing with her in the bedroom yesterday when she jumped up onto the platform, and I thought she almost looked like she had balls. I wrote it off to fat, but it was a little more noticeable today. Then I read that female rats tend to get tumors along the mammary gland, which runs along their undersides from the neck to the groin. Tinkerbell’s tumor was on her neck, but Tinkerbella’s is definitely in her groin. Right now, she doesn’t appear to be in pain, and she’s still eating and active, although she is sleeping more. Once a tumor becomes visible, it can be anywhere from a few weeks to a few months before they pass.

I can’t stop bawling my eyes out.

Written tonight…

I was too upset to edit and post anything last night, and I’m still very sad. All we can do is make Tink as comfortable as possible until the end. I’m going to savor every last moment I can with her, knowing her days are numbered.

Oh, and get this—I posted on Facebook that I discovered a tumor in her, and just one of my lovely friends cared enough to react. Just ONE! Can you believe it? I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised, knowing how wrapped up people tend to be in themselves. Yeah, there are a few shoulders I wouldn’t mind crying on about this, but except for my cyberbestie in Canada, all anyone wants to do is go on and on about themselves, and honestly, that’s fine. I’m a curious person and love to listen to and learn about other people’s lives, their thoughts, and experiences. But it would be nice if some of that curiosity was returned at times, you know? But people are who they are, and we can’t change that.

I’m really proud of myself for making personal changes I’ve wanted to make and getting better at being less forgiving and not reaching out to those who don’t reach out to me. One really does get tired of always making the first move and not getting much in return. Also, going through the same toxic cycles.

What I’m mostly proud of is not being dumb enough to take my sister back into my life, only to let her eventually repeat history for the God-knows-how-manyth time. I’m sorry for Mark losing his life. I’m sorry she’s sad and lonely. But people need to think of the future consequences of screwing people over. You can’t shit on them and then one day tell them you miss them and expect to pick up where you left off as if nothing happened. She chose her actions, and she chose to involve her kids in those actions. Now she and her brood have made their bed, and they will always have to lie in it, at least where I’m concerned. I will never change my mind or take them back into my life. I don’t actively wish anything bad to happen to them, but to me, they’re no different than strangers in another country. They simply don’t exist.

Anyway, due to all the stress I’m under, I canceled my ENT appointment. I wasn’t so much worried about making the appointment as I was about how much energy I’d have. Even if all goes well during my virtual appointment about my sleep apnea, I’m not going to be in treatment and responding to it in less than a week. If I’m meant to have my energy restored, it’s going to take time. Not only that, but I wouldn’t be able to have allergy shots anyway, and it’s not like we’re moving tomorrow or the next day—so it’s not urgent to know more about what I’m allergic to, as curious as I am. I can always reschedule that later on down the line.

Tom suspects we’ll have a better idea, not this summer but next, as to whether we’re going to make it out of here. I still have a hot vibe for August 2026, but I don’t know what it means. I don’t know if it’s good or bad or even connected to moving. As a psychic, I still “feel” like we’re going to move eventually. We still want to downsize either way because this house is small, and we want to save money. Not just because unexpected expenses come up, but so we can at least do some upgrades in here if I’m wrong and this is where we’ll spend the rest of our lives.

I’m back to being tired because I’m back to sleeping shitty, although I think it’s safe to say most of it is due to my nose, which has been stuffier than usual the last couple of days. That’s another reason I canceled the ENT—you can’t take antihistamines for a week in advance of testing, and until I have a nasal pillow blasting air through my nose, it wouldn’t be a good time to have allergies flaring up along with a collapsed nasal valve. Nose strips can only open it so much.

I’m still very nervous about the meeting. Tom feels confident they’ll give me a prescription for a CPAP for a variety of reasons—because I’ve already been diagnosed with sleep apnea, doctors don’t usually like to go against each other, it’s simple, etc.—but even though I doubt it, there’s always the fear the test didn’t pick up anything or they’ll tell me to make lifestyle changes which I’ve already tried and am limited to. Or they’ll tell me to see a specialist in person. I really hope not, because if they do that, they’re basically signing my death certificate. I don’t just need the CPAP for my sleep apnea, but because of my nose as well; otherwise I would need nasal valve surgery. I’m just tired of fighting for my health. I am 100% emotionally exhausted and physically drained. I have been going through this bullshit for over a decade and I just can’t take it anymore.

So hopefully step three will go well, or else steps four and five won’t happen. If all can go my way for once, I’ll start treatment within a week or two, and a few weeks after that, I’ll start responding and find my energy increasing so I can get back to living my life—even if I don’t exactly have much of one right now.

We’re both kind of in suspense because he’s waiting on his lab results. He just had a full panel done. He’s curious to see how his vitamin D levels are since they gave him the prescription vitamin D. He hasn’t noticed any difference. He said his energy levels were fine to begin with, but he hoped it would be even better with the prescription, but nope.

The only other issue I’ve noticed lately is an increase in gas, cramps, and definitely bloating in my upper abs, and I have no idea why. Hopefully, it isn’t the start of a new health issue!