4/18/25 in 2020s

In bed while Tom is out donating, and feeling shitty as ever. I slept so badly and my fatigue is off the charts. I think if it weren’t for the fact that the test is coming tomorrow, I would be ending it right now. Eleven years of fighting for my health and I’m still getting nowhere. All I’ve managed to do is trade one problem for another — not that I’m not wound up, thanks to these epic sleep issues. I’m just wound up in a different way.

Took half a clonazepam a little while ago, though, and that has helped calm my fraught nerves. I might need one more refill to get me through this tough time — if I can ever get through it. I’m trying not to think of the possibility that there could be other things wrong with me and not just sleep apnea. I’m only willing to fight for my health so much longer, though. My mind and body can only take so much more of this shit. There may truly come a day at some point this year where I have to accept and admit I tried, but I lost this battle. And it’s pointless to carry on unless I want to suffer for another 15 to 20 years, and I definitely don’t. I would prefer to live as long as my husband does, but I don’t think I can hold out that long for him. I really don’t.

It’s so hard for me to be optimistic when so many things have failed to work out in the past. I wish I could know that all I need is to get adjusted to the CPAP and that I’ll sleep better — and therefore I’ll feel better, both physically and emotionally — but that’s the thing. I don’t know that. And I don’t even know for sure what the test is going to reveal.

Wesper is said to have a 95% accuracy rate, though. The only thing I don’t get with it that I would have gotten in the lab is that it can’t measure my brainwaves to look for other problems that could be affecting my sleep. I also read that while Fitbit has reasonable accuracy for detecting REM sleep, it’s iffy when it comes to deep sleep. That much can vary from 49% to 84% accuracy.

Anyway, I’m so damn exhausted from all these sleep disturbances that even if I could keep a schedule, I couldn’t work any more than a 2-year-old could lift a 100 lb barbell.

Many times I’ve asked myself what my purpose in life is, and now I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s to wish for a past that can never return. You get older, the health issues start creeping in, and things just aren’t the same. Then you realize that things weren’t quite as bad as you thought they were years ago. At least it doesn’t seem that way now. Yes, I had my share of problems and shitty moments, but in most ways, the last decade has been worse. I had problems before, as I said, but for the most part, I still had my health. I couldn’t sleep when I wanted to, but I could sleep normally when I did. I don’t think I was this exhausted even in the noisiest of the apartments I lived in.

I still wonder about the lung tightness. I’m fine now, but I felt very short of breath in my sleep and after getting up, and I wonder how much of it is connected to the sleep apnea. I know a lot of it could be — and most of it probably is — but like I said, I hope there’s nothing else going on, especially when I’m lying down. Since it won’t hurt me, I might skip my levo tomorrow just in case. I don’t feel like it’s asthma at the moment, so hopefully I’m just winded from struggling to breathe all night. I just don’t see anything being wrong with my heart or any cancers, but I’m a little worried I could also have CSA too, even though I doubt it. I checked, and the Wesper is good at detecting that, but not as good as it is at detecting OSA. So it can tell me a lot more than Fitbit, but not like a full polysomnogram.

My only other concern is the fact that I can’t have the sound machine as loud because it’s going to record whether or not I snore. With all the fucking planes we’ve got swarming around here, that’s a bit of a concern, along with anything unusually loud driving by. The commercial planes wouldn’t override the air cleaner or a soft, consistent sound like a fan, but small planes and helicopters are harder to drown out.

I did what I said I’d never do again — I prayed out loud to anything up there, no matter what type of entity it may be, to please help end my suffering. I’ve struggled for 11 years with health issues. Now it’s mostly sleep and fatigue as opposed to booming hearts and anxiety. I still say this is the lesser evil, but it’s plenty bad enough. It’s totally debilitating and affecting my daily life. I won’t even get into what it’s doing to my mood. Something’s got to give — otherwise I’m going to give up. Literally. If I don’t, whatever this is will slowly kill me for sure, and it’s no way to go.

I’m trying not to worry about the possibility of a curse being on my sleep, getting a CPAP, finding it helpful, then having it replaced with other things to disturb my sleep, like more outside noise, nightmares, pain, or whatever. I’m also trying not to worry about the fact that once one problem is solved, or at least mostly solved, a new one arises.

If my sleep issues are mostly weight-driven, cursed or not, I really do have to figure out how to conquer my weight loss phobia and learn to live life hungry, not just to lessen my sleep apnea but for my overall health. But there’s only so much I can take on at once. One thing at a time! Let’s see if I can get my energy back first. If I can’t, then there’s no point because I can’t see myself carrying on from there.

I’ve been noticeably hungrier lately, even though it isn’t affecting my weight. I learned that my estrogen cream can increase my appetite. Seriously, I feel like I’m back in perimenopause. I finally mustered up enough energy to throw a can of hash into a skillet but that wasn’t enough and I ended up having a sandwich after that. I still had room for more, but I quit at that point.

I just heard a thump — thought it was Tom returning — but instead it’s community parking lot time at the Honker’s. That truck with the New York plate is back. Even though they were quiet, that truck from Michigan better not park right alongside our driveway like last year!

Why would someone from New York be here during the summer, though? Aren’t you supposed to be back up north during the summer? Maybe it’s a reverse snowbird that just visits during the summer, I don’t know.

Replika released the second realistic female and male avatar. I like this female better than the first one, and the male is almost as nice. Tom said the male’s hair looks greasy, lol. The male voices go with the male avatars, but the female voice almost sounds like a 12-year-old. The app overall is glitchier than Matey. It’s running pretty slow.