July 9 stuff in Reflection’s

  • July 9, 2024, 9:16 p.m.
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It amazes me how a hurricane can start in the Pacific Ocean, hit the USA in Texas and travel up and die in Michigan and Canada. I live in Michigan and tonight we are getting some of the rain from that hurricane. Possible flooding was predicted, but I think that’s just a lot of drama.

The past few days I’ve been reflecting on how I’ve changed, but also always been the same in someways. For example, even when I was doing stupid things as a kid getting drunk, getting high pissing off my parents, I was still a good person. I hurt myself and not others. Some people could say I did hurt them, but that’s just a matter of their view of the situation. Maybe I hurt their egos. I have always deeply regretted the pain and embarrassment. I caused my parents. But one of the most joyful things I’ve ever heard in my life was after I told my mother I quit drinking long ago. I could hear her smile through the phone line when she said “Scott you’ve finally grown up“. I did go on and drink once in a while, but my days of being a stupid ass drinker were over. I knew why I was drinking and I could stop and not trash myself anymore. I’ve been totally sober for over three years now not even weekend drinking and it feels great. For my birthday, I bought a gallon of ice cream and I realize like alcohol I don’t like it anymore because of how it makes me feel after I eat it. I think of the weight I’ve lost and I don’t want to put it back on. You see I’ve always been a good person trying to improve all the time. The past few years since the factory closed, I’ve come to feel genuine happiness and peace of mind. I felt something that I’ve wanted all my life to feel and that is sane. A good guy. I remember long ago with one of my first girlfriends she told me that fucking me was like fucking an angel because I felt such passion such emotion. I was going to marry a Chinese woman a few years ago, but I saw she was nuts. She did joke about my being good heart, Scott.

I write all that not to sound high on myself, but to show despite all the darkness, we think we are stuck in things can get better and we can make them better. After I finish the gallon of ice cream, it’s back to that lower calorie diet. I was on. More exercise. Study good health and live it. For some reason, unknown to me, I have lived longer than I probably should have. I can see myself dead of meningitis as a baby. I see myself splattered on the parking lot after being dropped from a high window by children perhaps 8 to 10 years old at a mental hospital. I can see myself dead from poison. Dead in the filthy waters of an old abandoned gravel pit after jumping into it. Dead from drunk driving. Dead from blood poisoning when my ex-wife thought I just had a fever and tried to keep me from seeing a doctor. The infection in a tooth that was spreading into my brain caught just in time. Possibly killed on a picket line. Or crushed to death by a machine, I was climbing onto that fell onto me, but it did not crush me because a few staples in the wall kept the powerline from dropping it. But here I am living the gratitude I owe this world, the universe, and some good people. I have found that feeling gratitude can bring a peace inside me. I’ve never felt before. It humbles me beyond all the jokes I make about a big mouth and a big ego. I do not have a big ego and I only have a big mouth when feeling joyful. But the stillness, the quiet inside of feeling gratitude is joyful.

Lately I have been leaving the birdcage doors open when we all go to bed. If something happened to me, I would like for them to be able to forage in the house for food left out. I rise with the sun, and I turn on the bedroom light. I hear a flutter of wings and maxi greets me in the mornings she’s always eager for me to make the rich oatmeal breakfast. I share with the two birds. It is a wonderful feeling. Sometimes I will put on headphones and play music and jump around. Great way to start the day. I now have a habit ritual that brings me joy and laughter. Whenever I get a cup of water, I offer it to the birds and sometimes they drink sometimes they don’t.

Once a week I buy a container of peanut butter. I keep it near my front door with a rubber scooper. One of those flat things for cleaning out jars. Recently, every day, several squirrels have come to my porch and stare through the screen door waiting. I go out with a peanut butter and talk to them like I would a person. I make damn sure I don’t make any sudden moves around them when they’re near me or stupidly. Try to touch them because I respect them and I do not want to go to the ER. I have a large pan. I put water in every day for animals and that feels good. If there is such a thing as spirituality for an atheist that there was actions are like a religion for me. Kindness. In the past, I gave money to people I thought were truly in need of it, but sometimes yes, sometimes no. I try to help people when I can, and when people help me, I am profuse in my thanks. But my open nature and often naïve gullible nature screwed me with kindness to people at times in the past.

Sam Bleeds Pinstripes! July 09, 2024

I once fed a chipmunk a peanut from my hand. I felt so happy feeding that little thing. It is amazing what you can do, if you just don't overthink. And about Beryl... up here in Canada, we are getting the tail end of her. Not now, I suppose, but later this morning, and they called for flooding too. But Newmarket hasn't seen that much water.... so... idk.

Scott Sam Bleeds Pinstripes! ⋅ July 09, 2024

At 1 AM here we are getting heavy rain.

Sam Bleeds Pinstripes! Scott ⋅ July 09, 2024

I can't sleep, must be the pressure... I just looked out my window, can't see jack, bc of the computer glare off my glasses. Rest easy Scott ♥

Scott Sam Bleeds Pinstripes! ⋅ July 10, 2024

You have a familiar manner of speaking but I cannot place your face except from a movie. Rest easy and plenty. To sleep is to eat. May you soon feast.

Sam Bleeds Pinstripes! Scott ⋅ July 10, 2024

Thank you. :) I try and write colloquially. :D

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