69th in Old

  • July 8, 2024, 10:35 p.m.
  • |
  • Public

Today was my 69th birthday. I downplayed it to other people. I did not believe people would understand how I felt about it.

Grateful and gratitude.

That I have lived so long.
That’s so many others did not.
I did not think I would make it to age 20 and I had had a few close calls before 20. Then I kept thinking I wouldn’t make it to this number or that or that, but I did. There were times when I talked about suicide and contemplated it often but finally, those days passed.

Today I tried to think of every person that has been kind to me and helped me and not giving up on me. I thanked a few people. Mentally I sent out much thanks to people. I do not know the whereabouts of now. But I felt good thinking of people and thanking them. Looking at my past that brought me to be this age I think it’s miraculous. I have got to be this age. I thought of my coworker friend, buddy that died in May of cancer. He was just one year younger than I. It’s one of those big questions for so many of us who dies and who doesn’t? Why is it horrible sick? Monstrous people live so long and so many good people die so young? God in my view has nothing to do with it. If you did, it’s a very sick fuck to me.

I had been putting off a blood test to check my cholesterol and other things for months and this morning I decided OK let’s do it. I went and got it done and later in the day, I got a cheery note from a doctor telling me that everything looked very good and good job. Well done. I called the hospital to try to contact the doctor and say thank you. An office worker said they would send the doctor a note of my thanks.

At times this morning, I felt an odd sense of euphoria and even wondered if I was a Messiah and I laughed at that and came back to earth and did my grocery shopping like a mortal will. Sometimes it’s terrifying to feel good because so much of your life is spent feeling bad and feeling good is such an unaccustomed feeling.

I bought some ice cream for the first time in about five months. 1 gallon and then I tell myself no more back to the weight loss and staying in a good shape so I can keep those blood analysis staying positive for me. Good results encourage me to keep living in a healthy way.

When I was young, getting older seems so easy, but with every recent year it feels like a great struggle like trying to finish a race and just make it to the finish line. Enormous sense of wonder that the numbers changed while I was still breathing.

There is something very peculiar about how I feel these days in that I don’t think of myself so much as an old man. The idea of it sounds like a joke. I turned my phone camera on live on Facebook today as I was making my lunch and I was having a wonderful time. Just babbling away in case anybody was watching. I thought to myself this is not the stream of bubbly language of an old person. This is a young person, talking so fast and silly. I keep wanting to refer to people of my generation as you old people. Come on pick yourself up put a bounce in your step.

My oldest brother called and he always gets very weird about other peoples birthdays and his own. He likes to give people things, but they are often some very weird shit. For Christmas, he gave me some grits and that is a food. I never truly cared for as a kid. It was a very weird thing to me. And so my brother calls me today and it seems it takes him a half hour to get a couple words out as he’s trying to clear his throat and make these growling sounds. I got irritated because he sounded like a fucking nutcase. I did an imitation of him and it hurt my throat and then I told him it’s so easy to say hello how are you instead of struggling like hell to say something he may think is funny. He says some creepy weird shit sometimes and I have called him on it. But I did make him laugh. I always do.. I made us both laugh. He tried to make some odd joke about a truckload of ice cream. He is sending to me, and I told him to shove it up his ass. Which made him laugh. He’s a good guy just a very strange person sometimes. I get impatient with people talking bullshit and nonsense.

My brother can be a bit of a weird motherfucker at times, but I am deeply grateful that he is my brother and I love the guy. He is five years older than I, but I often feel he’s my little brother. I think I’m the only person in the family that makes him laugh his ass off and that’s fun for me.

If you read this or anybody reads this think about our interactions on here and know since I have not blocked you and do comment with you, I value you and I thank you for being a part of my life. I hope to add more positive things to people for the rest of my life. I hope I have that chance to give more to possibly make someone smile more or even laugh and feel good.

TrippyNina July 09, 2024

I hope you had a great birthday!
Cheers to a great year ahead, my friend!

Scott TrippyNina ⋅ July 09, 2024

I did because I felt so full of love for so many people such as you. Good people!

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