July 5 reflections and thoughts in Reflection’s

  • July 5, 2024, 10:29 p.m.
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  • Public

I’m not sure why, but perhaps it’s because of my birthday in a few days, I have been wanting to change how The interior of my house looks. Remove whatever clutter I can. But I try to do for the birds is clutter at times. I bring in tree, branches and sticks and think oh this would be a good thing for the birds. I have built up areas of tree, branches, and today I took some of them down. Hey Scott, just how many perches do the birds need? Tomorrow, I will take a pile of tree branches out of my house and put them behind my shed, just in case I have this wild urge to play with sticks for the birds.

This morning, I made a trip to Aldi for one item that of course turned into about four items. I had been considering building a shelf in my bathroom, something small and also making my computer area more compact. Looking at the Aldi Finds aisle I was amazed to see just what I needed. I took out $10 from my savings to purchase two little shelves. It was amusing that when I was not looking for something, I found it.

I have dropped my caloric intake and have lost a couple pounds. I now weigh less than I have in a few years, but I need to go further. Lose more. I feel better, avoiding most junk food. I had considered buying ice cream for the first time in five months on my birthday, but maybe I won’t. Junk food is like alcohol in that if you’ve been off it for a while and go back to it do you want to stay back with it.

A few days ago, I put a profile on classmates website. You look up the year of your school and you put a profile there. Previously I had but then I noticed somebody was shit talking me shitty memories of Scott. What a fool he was in high school. I deleted that account in disgust but thinking about it the person that was talking shit about me from 50 years ago was the person that was truly problematic because it seems they had not changed much whoever they were and I don’t want to find out. So I put the profile back on the two recent photos myself and tonight I found a rare photo of myself at the age of 18 or 17. I was amazed at what a good-looking kid I was and I’m wondering why in the hell could I not get laid back then? Because I had zero self distain, I was not cool. I was a very strange person, very shy very into myself, but not into others. I admit it. But I put that profile up as a sort of defiance. Something I’ve realized about Any site that has school personal on it alumni whatever is that the cliques remain no matter how old people get. Years ago, I tried to reach out to people. I thought I knew in high school, but it was like they tried to forget me or who the hell are you? Hey, we used to get high together remember? No. And so I put my profile up there sort of like an active defiance of those who kept an image of me that fucked up person I was. I feel so good about how far I’ve come.

I was looking at old writings poems from years ago. Some people on this journal site talk about having dreams, dreams of what they wanted in life. My one big dream was to be a published writer. I realized through the years that it was my ego that wanted me to be a writer for people to notice me and go wow, are you good. People did tell me that I was a good writer, but tonight I looked back at a few of those poems and I did not like them. It was like a parent not liking their child. There was so much drama stress so much angst and I did not like it because it’s not where I am now where I ended up. Maybe I had to travel that path to get here. Yes, I could easily spit out some of what I consider to be poems, but I’m tired of all that drama inside me. It’s OK if I never achieved the dream I had as a child and all my life. I like who I am now that is not constantly scribbling and brandishing his ego about. I looked at those poems and I go no these are not high art of any kind. It’s just shit I wrote that has no meaning to me anymore. When people talk about dreams, maybe mine are so much simpler now in that I don’t want to be homeless. I don’t want my birds to have a bad life. Those are dreams, I guess. It was worth giving up one dream to find more humility in life.

I used to desire or dream of having sexual intercourse with a woman. I was a bit of a late bloomer, but that dream did come true and true and true and true oh Scott you slut. But it lost its luster. I got so I found it to be boring and troublesome. Oh my gosh that is so much work to find a compatible woman to have sex with or as I try to think of it as making love, even though not every woman I knew I loved. I remember a note I found from over 30 years ago from a woman I genuinely did love. It was a simple hey honey, see you later or some such thing, and I felt the love in it. As far as I know, she is still happily married and living a good life and in that I’m happy for her, but I do believe she was a woman I could just hold and love. I think that’s what happens when people mature. They appreciate love the giving of it and the receiving of it. And if you just want to fuck, save yourself some work and just fuck your goddamn fist. I guess that was one of my dreams of finding a peaceful, loving woman for such a relationship. To be able to be quiet with them, not speak, but feel and know the other person in the silence.

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