11/18 in OLD

Yesterday I noticed my microwave oven was peeling paint. I did some research on the Internet and found this is a fire hazard. I looked on Amazon for the most simple, microwave oven. I could find and surprisingly found what I consider an old style, one with dials and no buttons. Non-digital. I never heard of the brand but I took a chance and I ordered it it arrived today. After using it once I am delighted by it. It has a dial in which you choose the temperature which is low, medium and high something like that. There is another dial for minutes to cook. When the item is cooked, there is an odd muffled noise. I like it. No more beeping. It cooks the food and that’s all I need.

I went to bed early last night and woke up at one and sat and found myself thinking, and finding things to be worried about. An old habit I’m trying to break myself of. I methodically looked at all my concerns and told myself deal with it when it comes when you can do something about it. That is how I operate these days. Let go of imagining bad things or any outcome in life and just be here now. It helps.

For the past few years, I had been having dreams of the old factory I worked in. After I wrote about them, they faded away. I think because I don’t fasten on those years anymore I push them away. I have become numb to it focusing as I do on the present. This has been a big change for me looking back on my life. For decades, I was either living in the past or the future, but not the present and missing so much.

It occurs to me with some twinkle in my eye that there may not be other alien worlds, but there may be a near infinite amount of alternate worlds for all living things on this planet now. For example, somewhere there is a Scott that went to college and got married and stayed married. Or one that is been dead for a long time, because he could not pull himself out of the pond he had fallen into. Such a full universe with billions of people and their alternate dimensional worlds of so many of them, and their lives such different lives. There is a theory that this world of ours is just a giant science experiment by some extremely advanced life form.

I think that reading about so much in the news has made me feel. I am a genius and so many in this world are total idiots. For example, we have every war. Now in the present, and all those in the past. Instead of trying to save all life on earth, so many are trying to destroy it. Instead of accepting that the Earth is getting hotter and hostile to life on this planet, there are those that dismiss it as God‘s plan or just a natural thing not human induced. We have this horrible human habit, if not lifestyle of hate, or what is different to us. Extreme bigotry. A prime example are the differing religious groups at odds with each other, and sometimes at war. The racial divides people create that creates division, hate and fear. We have Russia trying to destroy or consume the country of Ukraine. We are all so much, the same, and yet we have this insanity in us that will create and promote divisions that create fear and then anger and hate for what is different. We focus on the most stupid things to tear each other down while the world is burning around us, and we are poisoning the world around us and inside us.

The university of Michigan football team played the Maryland football team today. I tried to sit as I do for meditation and not be excited by it because I cannot control it. Accept it and watch. It was good practice. Michigan squeaked by with a win. I am trying to not excite myself about things. I have no ability to alter or change.

I suspect that my dentist trying so hard to create a bridge so that I could have a full mouth of teeth hurt my mouth a little bit because there are white spots of bone sticking out and they are painful. I am grateful to my dentist for her hard work and care. She cannot help it if the flesh of my mouth is not very good to work with. It’s not very strong I think. It’s a little horrifying to look in my mouth and see bone sticking out. I do not blame my dentist for this pain. Shit happens.

I am concerned about my birds living longer than I and nobody to take care of them. Since I live alone, and do not have anybody close to me, the birds give me incentive to take care of myself, making sacrifices for better health. Without the birds and being incredibly alone, I would choose to not survive, because I have reconciled that I have a little reason to live now.

There seems to be an irony in my life in that I wanted to die quite a few times, and even planned suicide. I tried it once, but it did not work out as you see. But having the birds makes me more concerned about staying alive than ever. I feel a deeper connection to all living things living with the birds and feeling them inside myself. Yes I kill insects and spiders but I don’t enjoy it. The suffering of other humans and lifeforms the knowledge of it is painful to me. But I have to put up walls or else the misery of so many the feeling of it would destroy me.

I’ve realized it’s easier for me to write when I dictate it as I do now. Speech to text. It’s easier to bring the thought out by dictating it, and hearing my voice as if I were talking to someone.

On Apple TV I started watching two new programs. One is dealing with the whole Godzilla thing. I grew up on those movies. King Kong as well. The series I started watching is very well done good writing and acting. There is another series that surprised me very much.. Titled lessons in chemistry. It is very good at showing the sexism and bigotry of the 50s. It’s very well done very well acted and written.

I feel some alarm tonight because there is a new pain in my abdomen. I think it is possible. I have another hernia to go with my three others. I would get them repaired, but I do not have anyone that can help me and I do not trust my sister and brother-in-law because they like to control people.

A big part of my life. These days is looking at how anxious I was for much of my life and doing things such as meditation to not be that way. It’s working. I take pride in making changes to myself. Whereas so many other people do not. I haven’t had junk food in weeks and that feels good. I give myself 6 to 8 hours to eat each day and then do not for the rest of the time. I believe it’s good for me this intermittent fasting. I enjoy hearing my stomach complaining about the emptiness. I am careful with my diet now. What I eat. I thought quitting alcohol was a little bit rough but amusingly quitting junk sugar is worse.