Such a melodramatic title.
I have realized in the past couple years since my factory life ended that I understand much of my life looking back I try not to, but it’s a matter of being mature enough, where I can understand some things about myself and my past life. I believe that all our lives, we make up stories about things that have happened to us and try to rationalize it judge ourselves. Or make up a new story about it. I have been able to look back on my childhood and teen years with compassion even empathy for the person I was having some idea of why I was that way. I have had insights as an adult looking at my parents especially my father as adults as people, and not the god figures I saw them as when I was young. I have learned to forgive and feel compassion for them. I would apologize for how I was but they were part of what made me that way. Once we create some understanding of our past from what memories we still have of it, that comes a peace about it. It’s easier to let go of. I don’t have to feel emotion about it, or people that are or were part of my past. I just don’t have to care, because I finally got the answers as an adult of much life experience looking back at a person that had sold little life experience. The friends I had were not so much friends as people of my own age thrown into close proximity.
I have come to look back up on the youth I was and want to go back and give the poor bastard some hugs. There were good intentioned people in my past, but they were ignorant of life as I was in bus, they could not help. But things turned out OK. I am here sitting in bed dictating this with voice to text on the phone.
It’s been interesting. Looking back with new insights. It’s like things falling into place. I may not like it because I don’t sugarcoat my past to myself, nor do I curse myself about it. It was and it cannot be changed except for how I see it now.
Thinking so much about it and figuring it out. It’s like making something completing it then setting it off to the side. OK that’s done. No more beating myself for stupid things I did. Much more empathy and compassion for who I was and what made me that way so long ago. I made foolish choices at times, but I lived to learn and be better. Which is why I am here now.