78 in OLD

Is the age most white males in the USA live to be. It’s an average. I wondered about that recently. A new awareness and fear for me of mortality. There is a sudden urgency to stay alive. Friends have lived and died from cancer and heart disease and I am still here at 68. I had a few chances to die - very close chances I might even call “miracles”. I thought something was wrong with my lungs but X rays and other stuff said no. Sigh of relief. Yet I often have coughing fits. Maybe allergies. Fatty liver and tendency to have blood clots seem to be the worst for me now.

I believe that when you die, you are dead meat like any road kill that rots or burns. Or rots slowly if put in the ground in a nice expensive casket. Which I find ridiculous. I used to fear not having LIVED a full life but now I only care about staying in good health to help my 2 birds live as long as they can. Selfish because their being alive brings me such joy.

I live in wonder and gratitude that I have lived to be 68. Some friends recently told of their birthdays. I see them as crossing one of many finish lines and crying and laughing in gratitude then going for the next finish line.

I called my oldest brother today. He is 73. First thing I said was, “Jeff! Try to talk coherently” because for some stupid shit reason he slobbers out idiocy thinking he is being amusing. He is not. Get to the point when talking. If you are going to make a joke, do it. He lived a very sheltered life. He has said some things around family that have made me jump his ass and yell at him to NEVER SAY THAT STUPID SHIT IN PUBLIC! He has always been a bit dim. I fear he is getting senile. No exercise and never exercises his mind. Me? I need to kick my ass out of this chair and walk more or walk a lot. Things like writing are a good mental exercise. To write correctly if I can and learn by the computer’s corrections of my writing as I write. I have become a near expert on what foods are good to keep us all going and staying sharp but I am a hypocrite by not living that life. Have some ice cream! But fortunately no drugs or alcohol. Never again! The more I read about what drugs and alcohol due to the brain and other organs the easier it was to quit.

Thinking of how few years I have left to live if I live clean and carefully gives me a sense of vertigo looking down into myself at the years lived. Then too I can die of a heart attack stroke or accident any moment. Man found dead 1 month after dying from choking on a chicken nugget. I shudder a bit thinking of such a scenario.

The good thing in all this is that for the first time in my life I am not so concerned about ME living for me. I am concerned about the birds I love so much. It is like a parent living for their children. When my mother had cancer she felt a need to stay alive to take care of my complaining whining father. But I think that kept her going for longer than was expected. That and always trying to look out for her kids.

Other lives to care about give us a reason to live. Give us meaning beyond our own lives. Yeah, Other Lives Matter.

Old man needs to go meditate and then get some sleep and in the morning carefully use that treadmill with an eye on keeping those birds alive! Out of love.