I find that if I try to title something in a journal, it confines it. Instead,
Ok Scott, what thoughts and views or memories come to you?
Tonight I saw a tiny spider on a kitchen counter. I got a hand vac and sucked it up. Then another. I felt an odd remorse for this. It reminded me of how these days there is a growing compassion for ALL life forms except those humans that would help to destroy us all. Even the ugliest non-human creature can be more innocent than some humans. I have always known and felt myself to be compassionate and empathetic. In the past year that has grown with an awareness of and finding of what a therapist said is my, “authentic Self”. My core being. All the BS and negativity were stripped from it. Me. I. I went through therapy and it helped a lot. I got a prescription for Prozac to help me with anxiety and depression. I meditate every day or other day. It all helps. GROWING helps. Growing for me and not others. Yet at the same time, if I become a better person, I grow for the world to possibly make the world the tiniest bit better.
I watch and help myself grow as a friend would a friend. A parent would a child - but without the judgemental bullshit. I know the simple
path I want to travel and I do. I want to feel at peace. Do no harm to any living thing. It is a core of Buddhism. I am not a Buddhist but try to follow many of their Ways. There is comfort in it. It increases my Emotional Intelligence. I have always sought inner peace. Freedom from anxiety and a deep fear I feel I was born with. Now late in life, I feel I have made progress. I was diagnosed as having PTSD from various events in my life. The factory closing was one. In an odd way, perhaps that was a blessing for me. A good thing. A fortunate thing because that work was tearing my body apart. Some very odd things have happened to me in my life that have made me wonder about them. What meaning? Being called for Jury Duty twice in 3 months made me seek help for mind and emotion. It helped me get on this final path. Oh, I am also an atheist. I once considered myself a Christian and Spiritual but I rejected Christianity and all religion due to it being fantasy and psychosis to me. Spiritual? I still see things I cannot explain except to believe most of it was mild psychosis. That helps keep me grounded. Yet things happened to me that still spook me. Almost dying a few times. A leap off a cliff in the dark. Drunk and naked decades ago into the waters of an old gravel pit. I had no idea what was down there in the water. No idea. I jumped into darkness. I fell into water and felt rock under my feet. I came to the surface and saw giant rocks and old rusting machinery all around me in what could only have been moonlight. I somehow scrambled up a cliff. I think the alcohol left me then. Adrenaline fried it. I did not look back. A friend that was with me and had told me it would be fun was angry and afraid. So much for skinny dipping at night. Stupid insane drunk idea. Driving around drunk, too. I got home somehow. That incident has haunted me all my life. At times I wonder if I died then and the successive decades years and days have all been the last moments of a dying man whose body was never found. See? Some weird shit has happened. It is safer for my mind to be Atheist but follow the path of the Buddha. A peaceful path. No dogma. Practice to be good. Kind. Caring.
I have found that many on a journal site I sometimes write on will whine and bitch about their lives. In reading their posts I see them rarely moving forward. Grieving people. 1 woman I wanted to help because I know grief very well. I tried to be too positive for another and pissed her off. She told me I had no idea what she was going through. I probably do. I think I did help someone on here with a conversation. So many people so full of fear. I know fear so well and feel joyful when I can go a day or so without it. I have been haunted by a feeling of dread when feeling joy - because so much of my life, I felt I did not deserve that.
Many in my past tried to manipulate my feelings and actions knowing there is an innocence inside me I carry from a rough childhood. I see it and it is like a doctor telling a corpse, “You are not dead,” and then that dead man smiles and continues to live. Ah you are a nice guy! You cannot growl or snarl or be ready to throw a punch. I am no tough guy but yeah I can growl. I learned it well in the factory. If someone wants to be rude or try to make me feel bad, fuck them. I walk from them without doing harm. No arguments. No aggression. But I do not continue to know them. I do not need the shit. I do not need to change or be what others want. Just be me. As for people that wallow in their pain and refuse to change for their own peace of mind, going over and over their past? Ok baby, that is your thing. I learned and am learning to let that shit go.
I watch how I am to others when I leave the house or have a conversation with someone. I am a teacher grading a life paper. Ok THAT was kind of stupid to say, toss it out of your conversation files. THAT was a bit negative. You/I can do better. I am my own Frankensteins monster in that I am the creator of it and the monster. Let’s learn to be a better human, you/I know how.
I live the cleanest life I can now. Life affirmative. When I was working I often got cut and would watch the healing. Now I do the same with my inner self. Lets clean that wound inside and make it stop bleeding. Do not keep it bandaged forever. Learn from it. Which I have been doing all my life.
I want to give positives back to the world. Listen more. Not be focused on ME ME ME to others and more in tune with them. But if I can babble in a friendly humorous way and make someone laugh, great!
Someone on Facebook told me I made them laugh with a comment, today. I felt good. It is what I want my life to be about.
I have 2 birds.I used to yell at the first one. Then I got another and I yelled at her too. She was a teacher. When she saw I was angry, she flew to me and sat on my shoulder. I decided over a year ago to rarely yell and never hit the birds. I will shake off the male bird when he bites me and tries to hang on - making me bleed. I have learned that even with his aggression I can laugh and love him. I enjoy feeding both birds any food that is safe for them to eat. I get a cup of water to drink and offer them the cup first. I feel good about it. Today I saw that one bird wanted to take a bath. I rudely interrupted her touching the water and got the bowl of dirty water, cleaned it and put fresh in it. Max saw what I did and took a nice long bath. Buddy the aggressive male bird followed. I felt delight in helping them feel better in life.
THAT is what life is all about or so much about. To give back without making a dramatic conditional production of it. I helped 2 groups of strangers at ALDI a couple weeks ago get carts. Showed them how to put quarters in to rent the carts. They kept the quarters. It was joy to pay someone for a good feeling. Unconditionally.
I am not on any sort of spiritual crusade. I simply want to live, be and do as I feel what it is to be a good human.