ALL ABOARD THE CHUBZ TRAIN. APPROACHING DEHUMANIZATION STATION. in HIP HOP RAGE

  • July 17, 2014, 2:55 p.m.
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So, Haven. It’s a really dumb show full of plot holes, but I’ve been watching it to make my brain stop doing its brain thing. I’ve gotten so caught up in it that I only just realized I still have an episode of OITNB left to watch. WHAT. But that show makes me have too many feelz so I can’t do it right now.

I mean, whatever. Haven. It’s a SEASIDE TOWN FULL OF MYSTERIES. It’s trash. I only started watching it cos the dude who plays Xander’s best friend in the first episode of Buffy is one of the leads, and I developed some sort of confusing 12-year-old boner for him over the course of the 2 hours he was in it, and was sad when he died instead of Xander. I KNOW, I KNOW. Buffy fans, feel free to punch me.

SO MY POINT. The people in this town have stupid supernatural powers that fuck up their lives and often kill people, and the main character goes around solving generic mysteries and talking about feelz.

Last night I watched one where there was a high school reunion and someone was turning people back into teenagers and then killing them. OKAY.

There was a fat woman. Omg, of course, right? And everyone BLATANTLY SHIT ALL OVER HER, basically. And of course everyone’s like “well she’s the disgruntled fatty, she totes has to be the killer.”

At first I’m like, okay, this is still terrible because why the fuck does every fat person’s storyline need to be EXCLUSIVELY ABOUT HOW FAT THEY ARE, but I can just close my eyes and go la-la-la-la through this part and it’ll be fine.

Then she hit on one of the main characters and he was like “lolgross” and then that’s when he decided she was a suspect, because she “definitely peaked in high school.” LOL COS SHE WASN’T FAT THEN, SEE, DUDEBRO HIGH FIVE FOREVER.

This dude is a protagonist in the show, just FYI. And at no point was he called out on his bullshit through this whole thing.

So that douchebag gets turned into a teenager and is running around all douchey and young and then goes to the reunion and the fat woman wants to dance and he’s like LOL I’M NOT INTO OLDER WOMEN (cos he can’t SAY he hates fatties, ha ha, see) and she makes him dance anyway because first of all, ALL FAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY PUSHY AND DON’T ACCEPT REJECTION and also EVERY FAT PERSON’S SEXUALITY IS NOTHING BUT JOKE FODDER.

So they go ahead and investigate her and are like, “all the peeps who were mean to you are dropping dead!”

And she’s all, “Nah dawg, I can’t do that! My supernatural problem is different!”

And then. AND THEN. She goes onto explain. Are you ready? God I hope you’re ready.









Everything she eats…











TURNS INTO CAKE.











Can you fucking handle it? I COULD BARELY FUCKING HANDLE IT.

Then she says, “You believe me, right?!”

Because if she was fat for a non-supernatural reason, god forbid, SHE’D BE EXACTLY AS GROSS AS EVERYONE HAS BEEN ASSUMING! Thank God it’s a fucking MAGIC CAKE POWER. YOU ARE FAT BECAUSE YOU ONLY EAT CAKE. HA HA, FAT PEOPLE AND CAKE. YOU GET IT. CAKE. AND FATNESS. CAKE FATNESS.

At this point I was holding my face in my hands and making exasperated sounds between mumbling over and over, “I can’t believe they just did that.”

For me, the most powerfully disturbing part of this is that they had to hire a fucking actress for this role. They SPOKE TO SOMEONE WITH THIS BODY TYPE AND CAST HER WITHOUT ONCE CONSIDERING THAT SHE IS A PERSON.

They were like. We need you to be fat. CHECK.

So, this character will be sexually pushy and have no social understanding of polite rejection. Because fat.

And even the people who are nice to her will obviously be doing so out of pity. Because fat.

By the way, the only reason you’re fat in this is due to a supernatural cake disease. Otherwise you would just be some pathetic person who likes eating and making people uncomfortable. BECAUSE FAT.

And she was like, yep! I’ve never been offered anything other than a horrifically dehumanizing role, so this is just what I have to fucking do to get by!

And you know what? YOU KNOW GODDAMN WHAT? This isn’t even the exception. This has NEVER been the exception. This is how it fucking is nearly every single time. And I’m thinking about it like, there are at least 3 overweight DUDES on this show and not one of them is treated like a NON-HUMAN GROSS THING SIMPLY BECAUSE OF THEIR BODY TYPES.

Obviously there’s still a shitload of stereotypes loaded onto overweight male characters as well, but frequently they have SOME positive quality too, ya know? Like, oh, he’s a scientist. Or oh, he’s good at jokes. He’s still generally viewed as a sexless, often uncomfortably pushy character, BUT SOMETIMES HE CAN BUILD A CAR BATTERY OUT OF POTATOES?!

I’m just aware of this shit now, so I see it now, but I wonder how much of this I was exposed to as a kid before I even recognized it was awful. Really, any trashy serial show like this has at least one “lol a fat person, awww we should feel bad for them but still ha ha fatness” episode. Often it’s a recurring character that stumbles in near the end and just does awkward things until everyone wants to leave. Like dance. Ha ha, fat people shouldn’t dance, am I right? IT’S SO EMBARRASSING BECAUSE FAT.

And there’s always one person in town willing to be nice to them out of the KINDNESS OF THEIR NON-FAT HEART. And it’s just gross. I mean. This is like when we have movies about fuckin’ race issues and the white people who join the cause are the fucking main characters, heroes, and saviors, cos OMG THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT, HOW NICE OF THEM. Like, wow. Even our attempts to write movies about equality are still about patting white people on the back for giving up some tiny iota of privilege to help unbury people from the mountain of shit we piled on their heads over the course of centuries.

And with fat people, it’s all, look! That guy is taking a minor social risk to be seen with a fat person for five minutes! WHAT A GOOD GUY! I mean obviously she’s gonna get the wrong impression and think he might fuck her, which is just gonna make her look more pathetic, ha ha, right? But obv she can’t help herself because fat. Fat people think everyone is hitting on them, and they are always, always wrong. Especially if the other person is conventionally attractive. CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE HATE FATTIES ALWAYS. It’s their God-given right.

Like, dude. The “mean people” in this show were actively making statements about how so-and-so would never fuck her, and we were supposed to be all “gosh you’re such jerks,” and then the REST OF THE FUCKING EPISODE is dedicated to the entire plot/cast making the exact same fun of her, but in exchanged glances of exasperation instead of direct insults.

WHO THE FUCK ARE THE ASSHOLES HERE? Is it the people who were DIRECT about how awful they are, or the people who slyly made fun of her while pretending to be her friend?

SPOILER ALERT IT’S EVERYONE, EVERYONE IS THE ASSHOLE AND THEY SHOULD ALL BURN ALIVE.

And then we’re like, lol why do girls obsess about their weight so much. Why is 60% of this fucking site calorie-counting diaries. Why can’t you just LOVE YOUR BODY. I dunno, maybe because once you reach a certain weight, you are nothing but a collection of horrific stereotypes to be demeaned and tossed away on a whim?

Anyway, all fat people are lazy and that’s how they got that way and they should be reminded at every turn. Because it’s not like every-goddamn-thing on TV and movies and radio and advertisements are serving as constant reminders of your lesser value already. Clearly we gotta step in and help out by telling you all about it too, right? I’M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH. It’s definitely not that I’ve been programmed by the media to believe you’re inhuman, and thus feel it’s okay to state my awful awful gross opinions about how your body got the way it is. Nawp. I’m immune to stereotyping. I’m just TELLING IT LIKE IT IS.

Okay that last paragraph was unrelated to the rest kinda I’VE JUST BEEN HEARING A LOT OF FAT SHAME LATELY FROM SEVERAL PLACES AND IT FILLS ME WITH HIP HOP RAGE.

Ugh I can’t use that joke anymore now that I named a whole book after it, because then I’m just showing you all how unoriginal I am. Fuck.

Anyway. I kinda feel bad for pouring rage onto the internet instead of good feelz, but SHIT NEEDS TO BE SAID SOMETIMES. So. That.

Carry on.


Last updated August 31, 2014


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