3/17/23 in Beginner Meditation

Friday I felt very low energy and I think I have an infection of some kind in my head. When I blow my nose, white pus comes out with the tears. Only my left die and my vision is OK that’s what matters.

Friday lethargic and this morning I got up full of ambition to get things done. Some thing done. I had finished my taxes with TurboTax, but I thought there was something wrong. They told me I had to file in the mail. I called them and I think I got it straightened out. My only income was Social Security and so I do not get anything back and I do not have to pay anything because I am now piss poor, but doing OK. It is so strange to not have to file a W-2 form. Or unemployment. There is an incredulity that I got this far in life lived this long.

Meditation can be very challenging and frustrating at times. Friday it was nothing but interruptions inside me, so I finally gave up. Today 40 minutes that went quite well and then I decided let’s try another 40 and that time passed very fast. Tonight I said to try to do another 40 but it was a long 40 and amusing. I sat in front of my TV with a video of a brook. My birds had been quiet but erupted in noise. I sat composed and started breathing, and Max flew down onto my head, and was squawking at buddy they kept up a lively chatter, as I tried to stay disciplined and focused breathing. I could not do it. I started laughing and let myself laugh. Feeling how good it felt. I think that Max on my head felt how good my laughter was. I was doing well I felt until Max decided she wanted to take a nap under my chin. I decided this was a challenge and so I let her lay on the back of my hand, and I kept breathing. It was awkward and challenging and I know that Max could feel name my breathing and I think that’s what she likes the sound of. At the beginning, I heard an odd voice say to me, “you were not to blame.” It was probably my own voice, but it was odd how it came out of nowhere. I don’t believe in spiritual experiences, but I do believe in the subconscious talking to us. If there is meaning to it, I will see it later.

Meditation is a form of exercise and like physical exercise. There are good workouts, and not as good workouts. Interestingly, when I was using the treadmill today and getting into some good tunes, Max was enjoying that too riding on me again.

Monte python did a sketch once about the bureau of silly walks. I think it was probably last year that I decided to have fun using the treadmill and to walk funny and explore some motion doing my own silly walks, which made me laugh. Interestingly, a few months ago I read an article about how doing such is a good walking routine because of the variety in it.

I believe without any drama, the meditation practice is helping me. I feel the change in myself. Subtle things. It encourages me to continue and to work more at it. Like physical exercise.