Taking My Hands Off The Handlebars Of My Mind in Beginner Meditation

I have wanted to reach moments in which I did not or do not hear my own voice inside when I sit and breathe. I usually repeat “In” breathing in then “out” and exhaling. I know there is a peace beyond the words or the reach of distractions inside my breathing. I find it sometimes.

It is like riding a bicycle as a child and then lifting your hands off the bars and for a moment just floating. Then because of my lack of experience and self-discipline, like a child learning to ride a bike, I put my hands on the bars and guide myself IN and OUT.

This morning I did a 40-minute meditation and an interesting thing happened. I envisioned myself float walking through the factory I worked in. I looked around and willed myself to calmly see WITHOUT EMOTION the things that were so mundane and part of my every day life. The lunch room. Those posts banged up from so much every day accidental abuse. The dusty cement floors. I told myself to go over near Melvin’s work bench and hear the sounds of his air wrench and the clinking of the small metal parts he used for assembling ladders. The banging of his hammer on rod heads to seal them. I kept going and looked around. I tried to imagine the place how it is NOW so empty and in a sentimental way, lonely. I floated in the sunlight outside the factory. I looked at that ugly green paint and the windows that always seemed to look like they were in decay.I asked myself how I felt and told myself to let it go.

It felt good.
Letting it go.

I then tried an experiment.
Imagine going back in time to second or first grade. A frightened boy getting more anxious in anticipation of the bell going off and fearing having to stay over a minute or two. The rising anxiety and then this gentle friendly voice inside joking about “hey relax. Nothing bad going to happen. Instead of running home and burning your lungs from the effort, just take it easy. Relax into this walk. See? Nothing bad happening. Nice sunny spring day. Look at this farm to the right. Hey is that a black dog we see over in the yard? Friendly fellow. Take your time and enjoy the day. Nothing to be afraid of. Reaching home, see mom at the door, smile then give her a hug.

It felt good.
I went back to breathing in a slow rhythm. I know it was not real but I wish it was. To go back and heal my frightened child self. Maybe I can do that with the frightened child still deep inside. Hey, no need to panic and cry. It’s all going to be ok little Scotty. You will have a long life so enjoy so much of this time.

Meditating I DID pull out memories I have not seen in years. It was good but like a library book, I returned them and did not steal them to dwell on or in. Yes they are there. Leave them and continue to breathe. Relax as much of your body as you can. BE in every moment of every breath.

I am learning.
I felt good because I DID LET GO. I felt the pull of some things, followed them then came back.

I did a similar thing tonight but my inner gentle teacher (of my imagination) told me that going down those paths I tried is like a magician’s parlor tricks. Cute stuff but not what I am there for.

Why do I do it and why am I in my breath a couple times a day? To learn to let go and be free. Let that baggage go and have a good sleep. When the bad dreams come I need to awaken and let them go like a fog that burns off with the rising sun.