Buddy Bird The Teacher in Another Entry ;-)

I recently read an entry by a young woman on this site talking about someone’s anger. A tendency to go to anger first without exploring other alternative emotions and ways of reacting to situations.

It reminded me of how my father was. His main emotion seemed to be anger. He would rage and it seemed that yelling was like singing is for others. He liked to do it. To thunder and scare the shit out of me. An old testament god. How I grew-up seeing him. Through terrified eyes. It was a lesson I have been trying to learn much of my life. Don’t be THAT way. Find more intelligent emotions to go to and let anger be the last insane course of emotion.

When I was married over 20 years ago, my wife brought her son here from Russia. Yes, she was Russian. It seemed that yelling and slapping a kid were the Russian way of doing things. It gave me flashbacks to when I was a kid. At first I held back and it seemed I was encouraged to act the same as it was their way of doing it. I recall one night spanking that kid of 6 and yelling like the others and I saw the look on that kid’s face and suddenly said, “no, we are not going to do this. This is no way to discipline a kid”. I saw a look on that kid’s face of such gratitude! I said that time outs and no more hysterical violent bullshit. It became a sort of game to find new ways to deal with the kid being a brat at times but I felt good about it. There were smarter ways to live together without that crazy loud shit. I recall my ex wife getting angry once and taking a swing at me. I rolled with it but lost my balance. I did not punch back. I saw clearly that this was a cultural thing. Violenece and chaos. Roll with the anger and let it blow. No, I did not want to ever go there again.

I have 2 conure birds. The male bird acts out a lot. Full of mischief. I have thought in terms of humans learning fast what “no” means. Dear Buddy has this very irritating behavior of going to the top of a cabinet door, lifting it a little then letting it fall back in place. Extremely irritating to me. He also likes to chew on parts of the house. I have often just yelled “No!” and then got up and made threatening motions. The bird does not fear me because he knows I am all noise. He flies away and then watches me then does the same irritating thing again. I was getting exasperated about this. Feeling very stupid about yelling at and chasing a bird. It finally occurred to me that the bird was unintentionally teaching me a lesson. To HIM, IT WAS ALL PLAY! He will always threaten or try to bite me but I laugh it off. He does same with me. I mind fucked the poor bastard. I decided to speak softly and make a game of it for me. Ok Buddy, please do not do that. Good boy. It is HIS way of getting attention. The female bird will cuddle and Buddy will act badass like so many males will do.

I thanked Buddy today and this new tack seems to work emotionally better for me. When the windows are open in the spring, my neighbors will not hear some fool yelling and thundering at…a little bird that does not understand or give a damn. It is now an education and EXERCISE for me to let go of irritation and anger be deal with him sanely.

NOT like how my father dealt with me.
NOT like how a former boss dealt with me.

Buddy rarely gets on my body and when he does it is with the female bird. With her, I try to anticipate where she wants to go and I give her rides there. Tonight I put my arm under Buddy and gave him a boost up to be with his babe (Max the female). There was almost a startled look of thanks on his face. I felt good. He accepted the ride and did not try to bleed me.

The older I get the more anger seems like an incredibly stupid way of dealing with any situation. Long ago at work, when my father was dying in a hospice someone ridiculed me in how I had a sneezing fit. I exploded in anger. I got a grip and apologized. Instead of being punished for it, I told my boss I was sorry and would take time off to lose pay and get my shit together. I told people where the anger was coming from but it was still no excuse for blowing up yelling. It was another lesson for me.

I believe there is ALWAYS A BETTER WAY THAN ANGER. We lose focus and become chaos incarnate. We hurt others and ourselves. We ruin our lives and others. People die from it and or go to prison for it. Fortunately I DO have frequent flashbacks to my father’s angry episodes screaming at me and hitting me. A therapist said it was part of several things that gave me PTSD in life.

Understanding the harm and stupidity of anger and rage is helpful. It can be addictive as a way of dealing with issues. It’s also a way to not face yourself or what is truly at the core bothering us. We use anger to hide from it or shift the blame to a victim. “They made me angry!” No asshole, you made yourself angry.

I once read that anger is the child of fear. Where is that fear that created the anger coming from? What fear is behind the anger?

Tomorrow Buddy will do the bump bump bump thing. I will smile at him and speak quietly. Ok little guy I know this is your macho bird way of wanting attention. Here is my SANE level headed compassionate human way of giving it.

I forgave my father last summer. He has been dead since 2008. I carried too much anger and resentment with me. I finally let it go. I cannot change the dead or living. I CAN change ME. I think of my father now, with compassion and as much empathy as I can. He never had the tools to deal with his emotions and mind as I do. He grew-up like so many men believing that the lighter emotions are weakness and anger and those that hurt are strength.

In that, so many have learned wrong.
Compassion.
Empathy.
Taking time out and learning to let go of the poisons we create to hurt ourselves and others.

RIP Dad, I love you.
Hey Buddy? Let’s go play your attention game tomorrow.
Hey former stepson? I hope you turned out ok and have a LOVING family of your own now.
Hey ex-wife?
Fuck ya. That’s my way of letting go. That is all the past and this is the only thing that matters: Striving for a peaceful sane present.