Store bought Serotonin is OK too in Christmas Morning

  • Dec. 11, 2022, 3:28 p.m.
  • |
  • Public

Everything’s connected. There is Chinese theory that everything in your body is connected to your foot. Some don’t believe in consequences. We are a flesh suit with a brain - a really wild epic brain - that’s barely held together by molecules. MOLECULES.

“You think you’re just on Earth?! Zoom out!”

Infinite nothingness. Ever expanding infinite nothingness.
And here I am. Having just smoked a bunch of weed and making effort to journal before my family wakes up and I make them waffles. We used to have family breakfasts almost every weekend, but breakfast has not been served by me in this house in over a year. Maybe it’s because it was the pandemic or maybe because the waffle maker was new or… maybe it was because I wasn’t depressed.

My brain has responded incredibly well to increasing my Lexapro from 10mg to 20mg. Every single day I feel happy. I used to have crying fits and really struggle with managing my emotions, but now it’s like I’m finally at the top of the mountain.
I have been connecting and spending more time with the kids again. I’ve been more active, more motivated. I have no interest in self harm. I am on top of my negative thoughts - I don’t let them consume me, I don’t want them to consume me.

Quick sidenote of how much I love therapy because that’s playing a HUGE roll in this, too. Combination therapy. Education, self-exploration, healing, expression like fuuuck and being able to talk and learn about yourself incessantly!! I fucking love it.

Ok - I’ve been visualizing my guard dog part of self. My hyper-attentive, incredibly protective, learning that it’s calmed by food and connection. I’ve been exploring my anger, specifically towards Robin and learning about forgiveness. Can I achieve standard forgiveness with her? What were her previous apology attempts like and why weren’t they good enough for me? I’ve been expressing my anger when it arises and working through the feeling.

All this goodness has me feeling cautious, doubtful. I often wonder on these really good days if I’m bi-polar. Am I just manic? Is the other shoe going to drop and something going’s to trigger me and I’ll right the fuck back where I was before, like two months ago? That was so, so dark - the worst it had ever been. I put Kyle’s gun to my chest and my head. Scratches all down my forearm. In my iPhone Notes, I typed him a suicide note before I reached out to let him rescue me.

And now I get to make breakfast for my family again, after what felt like a very, very long time of me not being me.
Merry Christmas.

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