It's not you. It's... me? in Why I'm angry
- Nov. 30, 2022, 11:03 a.m.
Your words imply that it’s me. Not the way I see it.
It’s you and your trauma that you weren’t able to overcome.
Your narcissism and your envious comments about my body and my hair.
It’s you thinking that your 5 marriages means you know something about giving good relationship advice.
It’s you complaining about money, but your QVC and HSN shit comes every week.
It’s that you seem to truly believe it’s me.
It’s your gaslighting that questions me to think it’s me.
Why am I angry at you?
Because there is no resolution, no connection - only coasting
Because you are unwilling to see your transgressions
Because you’re unable to offer a genuine apology to me
Because you are closed off to listening to what I have to say about why I’m angry with you
Because the consequences of expressing my anger to you would be severe
Because what I have to say, ultimately, does not matter to you. It’s what you have to say that matters to you.
You’re so fucking predictable. I already know what you would say because I’ve heard/read it so many times. Same shit, different day. Then the crying would start and saying your counselors are so impressed and amazed with you because of this, that, or the other. It is absolutely impossible for me to express how I feel to you without getting a guilt trip, you latching onto something negative, or turning it back to yourself.
How fun it was that I was able to get away with answering your questions with questions about yourself. The first time I tried it, I was elated at how easy it worked. You love talking about yourself, your trauma and complaining - oh my god the negativity is as suffocating as the cigarette smoke that filled our house, seeped into my clothes.
After a few years you caught onto the questions-as-answers and I had to start answering. You didn’t like my carefully constructed, well thought out answers. You would be impulsive, impetuous, shallow, and selfish in your responses then gaslight me when I pointed out your shitty behavior AS A PRIME EXAMPLE of why I don’t want a relationship with you. Which would almost always result in me punching the floor or rage hitting tree trunks.
So, not only do I have to overcome the toxic/negative/destructive core beliefs and automatic thoughts instilled in me by her (but will never be acknowledged by her), I also have to overcome the anger and reach for forgiveness. The person I’m trying to forgive doesn’t understand why I’m so angry. It’s like she’s already forgiven herself - or at least sees no wrong in how she raised me - so it’s my problem that I haven’t forgiven her.
I have to forgive her, without her. And that makes me very angry.