Have you ever asked your child/children if they thought you were a good parent? And did you ever wonder what kind of job you did raising them to the adults that they are or will be?
I was a single parent and I still am and I often wonder if my son hated me for some of the things I did to him like discipline him and the fact that I kicked his father/Dad out. And then comes the part where I hate myself for kicking his dad out and him not seeing his dad. And when he died the police told us and I thought that was pretty horrible seeing’s none of his siblings ever kept in touch and had a real relationship with my son or me. And after all these years he has only seen his uncles, aunts and cousins once or twice in 36 years.
And before his dad died he didn’t even try to find out where his son was or talk to him.
I know he could have used a relationship of some sort with his dad but his dad was either too drunk, too stoned or in jail.
I really hate myself for not trying harder to keep the family together and to have a better relationship with his dad.
But sometimes when I am done thinking about what a horrible parent I thought I was I realize that I did the best that I could with the tools I had and if it were not for all the help I got I would not be the person I am now.
And there are times I wonder why people still want me around or even if they care I am dead or alive. I don’t have many real life friends anymore but I seem to have a lot of on line friends but I also wonder if they really do like me for me or if they find that I am a horrible person and not too bright?
When my son was in pre-school he drew a picture of me and his dad. he drew his dad as an angel and me as the devil. At first I was really upset and thought that maybe my son would be better off without me. But then years later i figured out that I am actually the better parent because I had to do the adult things and be the parent who was the responsible one. The ex was maybe a good parent and the fun one but look what happened. he couldn’t do what a responsible person should do like work and have enough money for holidays and going out for dinners and going sight seeing. The ex’s definition of a fun time was staying home watching sports and drinking beer all day and then falling a sleep on the living room floor or in the bathroom.
And that one Christmas where we had no money and for Christmas dinner we had chicken parts, mostly wings. And that year I got a toy stocking with a lump of coal and that was it for me. Later that year is when he left and I never did see him be a father to his son.
But now I look at my son and think that I did do a pretty good job raising him and he and I have a good relationship for the most part.
Onto something else…
My son will be coming for a visit this morning and staying till after dinner. So it will be nice to see him and find out how he likes his semi new roommate and other things that are going on in his life.
Hubby is going to be spending some time with his brother running errands and getting a hair cut so my son and I will have a nice visit with just the two of us.
Onto something else…
Tonight’s dinner is going to be a roast and roasted potatoes and carrots and maybe chocolate mint ice cream after.
Well I need to stop here and get started on my day…
Do have a great day…
Be Kind, Be calm, Be Safe, and Behave.
Last updated September 18, 2022