I had to put on the brakes this week because something happened in a meeting, and when it was over, I saw what was happening.
I ran out of medicine on Sunday, which means my brain is going to start crashing. I had forgotten what that was like. I had been so wrapped up in unraveling my real trauma that I forgot what it was like when my brain chemistry was off and my mind started manufacturing trauma.
Because I’m aware now of what exactly happens when I’m off my medication, I’m keeping myself at bay. But I am getting confused. I’m getting irrationally angry at things and people. I’m far more tired than I was (I slept 18 hours). You know, this last year and a half is the longest period time I’ve had that my brain worked correctly since I was probably 10 years old, and I took it for granted.
I mean, when people ask me why I haven’t dealt with my trauma, I think of how arrogant they are. I would love to deal with it. I have been to therapists and psychiatrists and they all tell me that I can’t begin that process until I get my PKU under control, otherwise they might misdiagnose me as schizophrenic and impair my health even more.
Well, I’m not schizophrenic. I’m not really angry. I’m not confused. I am just going back down to the dark end of a really long tunnel for a while, and that’s where I’ll have to be, shouting through the echoes toward the light at the end of the tunnel until I can get my prescription refilled (which could be as soon as next week).
Until then, don’t believe a thing I say....