If anyone reads this, know that as I write this I feel very cynical and dark. I look at some of the postings on here about surveys and think what stupid fucking sheep. Try for some originality. Besides, so many stupid fucks on here use silly little avatars and aliases so what does it matter about foolish surveys when the person posting that stuff is not looking very real?
That is too logical to comprehend for so many. Oh but I am real! Nah. You can be what you want on the internet. That said, I am usually, “Scott” which those on my Facebook friend list know is true. I also have very revealing videos that show (GASP! SHOCKER!) my face and a bit of the birdhouse I live in.
As you can see, I am in a dark place lately. I do not consider the above to be meanspirited. It is just being logical and honest. I weary of lies and foolish little games.
I was diagnosed with severe anxiety, severe depression, PTSD, suicidal ideation, and agoraphobia back in April of this year. It came about with a total meltdown about a jury duty summons. One of my greatest fears because I am terrified of being controlled. Great way to stay straight and not go to jail. Fear of imprisonment ;-) I started a hap-hazard treatment of online prescription of Prozac. Contacted my primary care doc and social workers at the hospital and the primary wrote me a prescription and told me to toss the other shit out. I did. I went into therapy and upped the dosage of Prozac. It seemed to help. My hands used to shake when I tried to drive and now they are almost ok. The depression lifted a bit with my being excused from Federal JD. But I was and am still shaken. I have come face to face with what happened to me after the factory closed and I lost my job. Forced retirement. I get enough from SS to survive. I do ok. But the purpose I had for 43 years is gone. The importance I felt doing specialty work inspecting wood is gone. It is very easy for others to tell me to get another job and do some hobby bullshit. Do this or that! I found since the factory closed my body is a bit broken down. I need some surgeries. I was beginning to get better when in late July I got ANOTHER jury duty summons from the County! My fragile fucked up mind went into conspiracy theory mode. THOSE SONSABITCHES ARE AFTER ME! THEY HAVE IT IN FOR ME! Some of my worst fears of being trapped have come in 2’s! I think I got a temporary postponement from the county. The way the letter was written, it looks like they think everyone with a doctor’s excuse is faking something. YOU WILL SERVE! WE WILL GET YOU! Not those words but an attitude I read into it. I got that letter on Monday and was relieved but the big darkness came back. Monday I called a social worker I knew and off the clock she listened to me. I owe her if I can ever give back. I have been seeing a therapist but she was cool at first and then acted a bit weird in the last session. Maybe because she is just a kid. Gave me a fucking homework assignment. The same thing I read in psychology classes 45 years ago. WTF? Will see how things go for one more session.
Tuesday I got up thinking I just wanted to end my life. I do not own any guns but I had FANTASIES of putting a gun to my head. I was staring at a wall for what was probably 2 hours. In a sort of dark trance. I was in that dark place much of the day until my therapy session. I felt better talking but the therapist just blew off that dark mood. Then again I was playing catchup because we had missed a session. Wednesday the same dark trance and suicidal fantasies. A logical part of my mind tried to understand why. I wanted to not exist. I wanted to and maybe want to just GIVE UP. Except for caring for my birds, I have no reason to live. This is no self-pity crap. Just how I often feel. There were times in July I felt very good and high about life. Very positive but in this last week I have been spiraling down. Yesterday I talked with a hospital social worker I sort of know. I trust her. I told her all that was happening. She said she wanted to up my prozac but with the blood thinners, it is a dangerous mix. Blood too thin. Get the blood thicker and then maybe. She gave me a revelation about me: That I have gone through some very traumatic things in life and they show in how I remember and dream about them often. Work. Some things that happened with women. My childhood. Alcohol abuse. THAT is why sometimes I feel my mind being kicked by jarring memories. Sometimes some things “trigger” me. Such as yesterday after feeling myself rise a bit, I got a head kick. My former boss sent me a text. I became paralyzed. I try to avoid people like him from my past. Mentally he tortured me for decades and after the factory closed he wanted to act like a good guy. Nah. I told him “I am ok”. Today he said he thought I sounded “down” and then I responded with the same message. Neutral. “I am ok”. It is often what people tell you when they are screaming inside or just wanting to die. I want the memories and dreams to fade. I do not want to tell him to fuck off. He should be smart enough to see it.
This morning I got up and sat in that same daze. Sitting here I see I lost at least 5 minutes staring at a chair. I feel a pressure weighing down on me. Sometimes Max comes to me and bites or cuddles me. I joke with the birds and try to find delightful food for them. THAT is my reason to live. Nobody in my family can ever imagine how dark I am inside now. I often joke with people but inside there is often a scream separating the joke from my inner self. I dread going to bed and sleep because in some horror show way I might see people from the factory and some weird distorted dream perversion of it.
At times I feel lonely but more in a nostalgic way. How I missed out on the marriage and family thing. THAT was/is part of the trauma for me. A real mind fuck marriage. Being accused of a crime that I was totally innocent of as well and that haunting me all my life. Found I had become a genius about relationships now after all the shit I went through. Either age or Prozac has robbed me of my sex drive. I still look at nudes of women but it is because nude women are often beautiful to me. No sexual feeling. I have some procreation equipment at the juncture of my thighs that once ruled my big brain above. Now it’s like a somewhat useless antique on my body. An old friend just hanging there for a ride until we die. I feel like screaming now but I know it will not help. All I seem to want to do is not do anything. I did remove an AC unit from my bedroom and felt like I won a marathon doing it. I DID something! I believe in the concept of “Impermanence” and know all this will change.
I have not coughed in more than an hour. Nice. I developed a cough in the factory. Assumed it was from the wood dust and other particulate matter. It’s got worse in the past year. I keep telling myself “no blood phlegm so you are ok”. That was something of a factory attitude. No blood, good to go. Can still move most of your limbs and not crawl? Get to work! As the social worker I talked to on Thursday mentioned, since the job loss, I am seeing things from those years I never saw before. ZING! She nailed it. A coworker of mine quit BECAUSE the boss was so sadistic. I stuck it out. Now, I am toxic person averse. Super asshole sensitive. It is a luxury that I - unlike so many others - can avoid them. A part of my mind is ready to do some crazy shit if someone comes at me. Triggers. No, do not go to jail. Birds need you ;-)
My birds need me.
Having something/someones to love keeps me alive. Even if they are puffs of feathers and noise.
If anyone reads this long entry, don’t bother bitching at me in anyway. I am a very nice amiable person most of the time but I have a great contempt for faceless cowardly assholes taking cheap shots these days.