The Fear Is Worse Than The Reality in Personal/Reflections

  • Aug. 6, 2022, 6:33 a.m.
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When I was a child, I was terrified of things I probably only imagined. I cannot remember what I was afraid of so long ago. Panic attacks before there was such a label. Mindless often baseless fear that made my child self cry hysterically. I was shamed and ridiculed for it. Eventually I was put in a mental hospital and saw many people in white coats. Gentle interrogations. There is a great empty void of memory where the reasons for the horrible fears were. Eventually I grew out of it. The fears remained but I was no longer crying. We handle fear differently as we age. Fear followed all my life. At times I tried to smoke and drink it away. I tried many things to make it go away. I have come to realize that I am the Fear. I create it. I see what I fear and when I look at it logically, I have created a fearful fiction around what reality will happen.

My fears have always been worse than anything that actually happened. Surgeries I had were fortunate incidents of ignorance. I need more now and my only real fears are of people controlling me as I recover. Trust fears. Logical.

I have always feared crowded places. Unknown unfamiliar places. What can happen? Get lost? Embarrassed? Ah have to go to the toilet and not find one? You will. Everyone around me in such situations are lost in their own worlds. We all are. How to lessen the fear? Look outside the self. I am not the world. There are many worlds around me. So many feeling the same fears I have created but not open about them as I have been. Instead of pushing myself down into misery of my own imagining, I need to pick myself up with a smile and extend that with humor (if possible) to those around me. Hey. We are not alone. No matter what emotions you feel, WE are not alone.

I have a horrible memory of long ago when I fell through the ice of a pond. I was sinking into the mud with the ice edge above my fingertips. The sky so far above. The face of the dog I was walking looking down on me. I remember letting go and then no memory of what happened next. I had let go and accepted I would drown and never be found. Then I was up on the ice choking and freezing. No idea how I got out. I walked home like a man half encased in cement. The dog was so damned happy.

What saved me?

Maybe finally as I was sure I was going to die, I saved myself by finally letting go of all my fears.


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