I was recently talking to a social worker/therapist about my times of drinking and pot smoking. The worst of times were wasting the last 2 years of high school experimenting with alcohol and pot and realizing among other things, drinking until you vomit is not a good thing. Especially in class. Messy and 50 years later that is all I am probably remembered for. I realized later it was to be cool like the adults and it felt good but I always knew… I Was Burning Myself Down From The Inside out. It was death by poison. Intoxicants. You got a pill I can try? Ok try it and see where it takes you. Cliche.
I look back on my days of drinking and it was what so many use alcohol for: To kill the pain. But doing so always brought more pain that lasted for years. A drunken fool is the pain some remember me to be. Masochism via alcohol.
I have known so many who thought alcohol made them funnier or more clever. The dead one’s would say it made them better drivers. I learned it did not. I remember some near-death experiences that still scare me when I wanted to feel GOOD drinking and be a big man. Freeing that ego can kill you. It has killed many. Some need to die from it but those sonsabitches keep on breathing.
Alcohol/drinking has been so glorified. I wanted to get drunk on my soon birthday. I wanted to get high. I am glad that I cannot and will not. In 2020 I sat drinking beer alone. Ok, not so alone. I had a bird or was it 2? Sit back get drunk and pain dulled and nostalgic and maudlin. Hey asshole, you lived another year. So you want to feel shitty about it?
I am glad I will be sober. I went over 20 years sober then fell a few times but it was controlled wise falling. I finally gave up on it and now go to the grocery store and look at all the beer, salivate and walk away. I put that behind me. That killing pain to make more pain. Burning Myself Down From The Inside out. I wonder about my liver with the prescription drugs I take now. Add to that the shotgun blasts from the drinking. My doctor told me that my quitting saved my liver. Drinking was and is so romantic in the movies and looks like so much fun. All that self-destruction!
Dear Young Scott;
The drinking and drunks you see in those movies and tv series are not funny. They look like clowns but they are glorifying self-destruction like all those war movies glorify death and destruction but look like so much fun! Because you don’t smell the vomit or feel the damned headaches and humiliation that can last a lifetime. You don’t see the torn bodies when you see war movies. You don’t see people crippled and tortured for the rest of their lives.
So much we learn and see as kids is total bullshit. Like when I was a kid, smoking was cool. It was an example of being a stupid sheep. Never question inhaling poison. Like alcohol you never question the effects of liquid poison. Pot? Oh yeah pot makes me feel great! But dude, any SMOKE you breathe is poison.
Did I like or love myself when I was high on something?
I doubt if anyone did.
I ruined some relationships due to my substance abuse and now I have nothing to blame any fuck-ups on. Sobriety…how sweet you are returning me to an innocence of my past full circle.
I drank to fill the darkness and the void.
Kill the pain.
Obliterate my own voice inside.
Burning Myself Down From The Inside out.
That’s what it comes down to.
There is nothing glorious or romantic about being drunk.
It’s just whipping your mind with the lies of drugs and illusions.
Life is full of too many illusions without ingesting more.
Fuck It, Drive On.
I listened to this over and over while writing this. It was perfect for the mood of it.