#142- Making New Memories & Fear of Losing Loved Ones in Death Card

  • June 22, 2022, 4:05 p.m.
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My current partner Sion is the best. He’s not rich by any means, but yet he will come down to see me on weekends because freeways scare me. He will feed me hamburgers and fries from fast food places or take me out for starbucks(which generally is not cheap anyway). Our dates consist of the local parks or hiking trails and laying in a hotel bedroom watching some of his favorite shows. Point being that even if other see it as simple, to me I enjoy these little pieces of my time with him, and cherish them every single time.

There’s a part of me that wants to wrap him up in bubble wrap and write fragile on his forehead in hopes that life events or even death will avoid him, but that’s just reality. Reality that we don’t know how long we have, and the idea of losing him scares me. But yet it helps me embrace what time I do have with him as if it’s the last.

I don’t know if he will understand why I feel this way. I lost someone that I adored in 2020 and again last year. I also recently lost some loved pets, all these events can really bubble up and wear you down. It can make you afraid that maybe your loved ones will keep leaving through death every second you move your eyes away or not focus on the inevitable. But yet if you spend so much time focusing on when someone will leave you or in what way they will leave you…you end up losing out on the current experiences you have.

And living in the present is very hard when you lose people. Because after losing someone you are prominently reminded of the fact that one day the present will be the past and the future will be the present. And that’s what I’m afraid of.

Overall all these worries tend to go away when I am with him. I’m so thankful to him, to have been loved by him and to currently still be loved by him....

There is nothing that can ever change that or take that away, just like my memories with him.

He promised that he couldn’t take away the bad memories(of losing someone, or of past relationships) but that we both can make new memories. Not even death or partings can take away memories, and those are the most important part of relationships that can stick even after the relationship is over.

Your relationship with a person might be over for example, but their relationship with how they have affected you or changed you doesn’t just go away.

I indeed want to make new memories with this lovely man. I want to have a family with him and I think my past relationship didn’t work out simply because it wasn’t the right one to begin with. I had this partner that was specially fitted right to me somehow. And yet I chose to dive into new relationships.

I don’t regret those relationships because they taught me a lot but I realize that leaving those relationships behind was the best decision ever. I wanted to be able to look back and think, “That is the best decision I have ever made”. Now that has happened.

I took a nap this afternoon too and all the good memories I have made this year have popped up. All the times I have gone to the beach with my partner or simply meeting the friends I have currently. I love these memories…and no one can take them away. So hopefully along with this realization I can do exactly what I had wanted when I started this relationship…make new memories with someone I love and care about.

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