6/19/22 in StuffScottWrote

  • June 19, 2022, 3:30 p.m.
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  • Public

Yesterday I wrote the best thing I have written in a long time. It felt good. Very positive.

40mg of Prozac started a few days ago and feeling myself finally begin to level off. I have noticed a big change in me in my attitude since talking to a couple of social workers. Growing more positive. The “suicidal ideation” the SWs spoke of has been fading. I no longer hear my voice like another person inside me telling me to kill myself. To give up. I am feeling times of calm, clarity, and confidence.

Weight is 205lbs today. The Belly has alarmed me and thus with that alarm and self-disgust, I finished off what white sugar and junk food was in the house and will suffer the withdrawal for a few days. BEEN THERE BEFORE. 30 minutes slow on the treadmill yesterday. Today, 2.6mph for 45 minutes. Feeling good for it. Will feel better in 2 weeks if I keep at it. “If”? WRONG! I know I will. Probably throw in some 24 or more hour fasts and then drop down to 16/8 fasting. What is good about it is a caloric restriction. Discpline.

I have wanted to go buy a joint and some beer for my birthday next month. I did some reading about Prozac and such things. BAD IDEA! Along with the alcohol messing with the Warfarin I take. Intoxicant and Prozac can fuck a person up. SHIT! Last year no beer for birthday no 1 man party due to colonoscopy. This year? A bit of sacrifice for sanity and good health. A side effect of Prozac is that it can increase blood thinning. Add the Prozac and Warfarin together I am a fucking hemophiliac if I get cut. Got a small bruise in my thigh that was a big wake-up call. It got bigger. Maybe I can order a pizza on my birthday.

Max is done with her egg-laying time thing and is almost back to normal.Flies onto me and cuddles once in a while. Does not fly onto me when I am on the toilet anymore which is good. I feel insane bitching about her biting me when sitting on the toilet! Captive to a pecking terrorist! Maybe her sense of smell has become sharper.

I will talk to a therapist and 2 social workers this week. 1 will be a goodbye talk with one that wrote the note to get me out of jury duty. I owe that girl! I owe a great debt of gratitude to all those that have helped me. I want to get healthier and pay my gratitude forward. Funny how I have a big ambition of getting some Hernia surgery done but cannot find anyone to trust to do it. If I could, I would give them $1200 just to get me to and from surgery and make sure I get into my house without ripping myself open. I cannot trust family. They want to control me. “For your own good” has become one of the most sinister things anyone has ever said to me, I have come to realize.

I see myself leveling out now emotionally. I blame it on the Prozac. Depression and self-harm are fading. Feeling good feels a little scary because it is so rare for me.

I put my Facebook account on delete due to being banned from posting. I started a new account but have not used it. Just established it and added 3 people I DO talk to in a friendly manner sometimes. THAT is a mistake I made in the past: I would add people and they would just be faces on a list with no or rare interactions. There was one guy I felt got a bit elitist and annoying that way. I WAS serial posting stuff I found amusing but that made my FB page just a mass of garbage postings. I have gone through and slowly thought of who I do not want to find me or look at what I post. Ex boss was the first. I get a very sick feeling with every interaction with him since the factory closed because he often made my life hell. After visiting that FOR SALE signed factory about 6 weeks ago, I understand it IS truly gone. I need to let it go. Let go of ALL memories and names from that place. Logically? Practically? When I worked there, with the exception of the first few years there, I was never friendly or social with anyone after punching out. The early interactions after punching out were drug-related. THAT was a very short time in my life (fortunately). I see all of the above now as being Scott Rising. Again. Getting my life together to feel better. I have a history of addictive behavior and am wary of it. I think such simple things as ice cream, cookies and white chocolate are extensions of that. I HAD to get that damned ice cream every week!

I feel sane and oddly superstitiously good lately. Confident. Positive and a will to live again. Besides, my birds need me:-)

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