I have to let this man go in The Musings of a Former Filmmaker Turned Writer

  • June 16, 2022, 9:27 p.m.
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So, for those who may not remember, I had a blog on here once before where I talked about the crush I had on a former Twitter follower of mine. I talked about how my crush was and is an actor and a voice artist, and at the time I was a filmmaker (now I’m a writer, embarking on writing my first novel). I talked about how he’s white/Canadian and I’m black and biracial. He’s in his fifties and I’m in my late thirties. He lives in Venice, California and I live in Scottsdale, Arizona. I was totally falling for him, meanwhile, he towards me was just like....eh.

Well, that was back in December/January/February, but now we flash forward to today and he no longer follows me because I closed my old Twitter account (because I lost the password to my old one and couldn’t for the life of me remember it) and opened a new one, and on the new one, I followed him recently but he hasn’t followed me back yet.

Anyway, I have checked out some of his tweets that he’s made since the time I closed my last account and....if I had any suspicion before that he wasn’t single, that suspicion has now been heightened. What the hell, I’ll go ahead and reveal his name here, because I’m a Sagittarius and I like being open and frank and honest - Peter Giles.

First sign - I went to his Twitter recently and one tweet Peter made, humorously discussed another user talking something about how God was behind a person having children and Peter responded with something like, “really? I didn’t know God had anything to do with it, all this time, I’ve been doing it wrong.”

That let me know that he either has been or had been trying to have a child or “children” with “someone.” *Ouch. *

Second sign - in another tweet, he posted a photo of a book on marriage. It didn’t look like a self-help book, it looked like a fictional novel but still....Now, the only time a man would read any type of book regarding marriage is if they’re married or going to be married. Ouch.

So, it’s clear that while I’ve been at times, daydreaming and night-dreaming of him, and cooing over his tweets and having my attraction and feelings for him grow stronger, he already has someone - despite him asking another user, several months back if she were single and asking for her age, gender and location.

I don’t know why I feel hurt about it, because let’s be honest, I probably didn’t have a chance with him anyway. Despite both of us being in the same career field, he’s white and I’m black/biracial, and in today’s social climate, a lot of white men just aren’t interested in black women. and just don’t find black women attractive, no matter how pretty and beautiful they are. I’m not saying that’s the case with him, but I’ve found that it is with quite a few, other white men. They see black women and they think of Black Lives Matter riots and protests and they think about black-on-black crime, ratchetness, reverse racism and etc.

Furthermore, most older men are turned off by younger women being interested in them - or so I’ve heard. I’ve heard they look at it as an insult....But Goddamn it did I want him. I wanted him some kind of bad, but it’s not going to happen, and it’s not for a lack of trying, because as I said in a previous blog entry and as I said on the former blog that I had on this site once before, back in October, November, December, January, and February, I tossed out several hints his way, via tweets, hints that stated that I had a crush on him and that I was attracted and interested in him, and at the time, I thought he wasn’t reacting to it because he just was clueless that I was trying to “shoot my shot,” but now....now I see, or at least, I think I see that it apparently was because he was already taken.

A few people on here had suggested I send him a DM and be direct with him, letting him know that I was interested in him, but I never could muster up the courage to do so, because I didn’t want to face the rejection that I was sure would come.

Anyway, with all that being said, I have to let him go, not that I ever had him in the first place, but I mean, I have to let my attraction and feelings for him go. I’ll never get him to look my way, I’ll never experience him asking me if I’m single or asking me out on a date, so I need to forget about him and let him go.

It’s going to be hard because I’ve spent almost two years falling for him, so it will be incredibly hard, but I have to do it. It sucks though, it sucks when you want something so bad, and no matter how much you put manifestation into it and the law of attraction into it, you just can’t have what you want. Eh....that’s the story of my life, however, when it comes to love. Every, single time that I find a man that I’m attracted to and interested in, I’m always....*”striking out.” *

On the flip side though, man, I bet the sex with him would’ve been explosive, haha. I’m sorry, but you know how sometimes you can just look at someone and say, “man, I bet they would be so damn good in bed?” Yeah, that’s me, I bet he’d be one hell of a fucking amazing lover in bed....but, as I stated, I’ll never know…It is what it is. I’m moving on, and with me moving on, I’m deciding to give up on trying to find love, period, because I’m tired (as I stated in a previous blog entry). I’m tired of striking out. If I see a man who has the qualities I’m looking for, looks-wise and personality-wise, I’m making sure to turn my feelings off, because nine times out of ten, it’s not going to go anywhere, so what’s the use? What’s the point? I think I’m going to just focus on me writing my first novel and getting it published and out there to the world.

~ P.

Last updated June 24, 2022

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