"Senior Citizen" in Ok,Boomer

  • Nov. 21, 2021, 4:02 p.m.
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  • Public

I started seeing myself as “old” when I was ready to apply for Medicare back when I was 65. That was practice for perceiving and labeling myself as a “senior citizen”. It seemed like a joke. Hey whose suit did I just pick up by mistake and now have to wear? It just did not seem like it fit. At work I saw that I was slower and did not have the endurance of years past. I think that 2 of my 4 concussions were from trying to go too fast to compensate for people seeing me as the old and slow guy. I had to accept it. I learned to stoically accept the pains that increased because of the DECADES doing hard physical labor in the factory. It piled on and I feel it every day since my last day on March 5. I remember an older worker doing assembly. He would beat things with a hammer and lift the completed parts and stack them. I thought he was superman until I was told it was all bullshit. He did not talk about the pain he felt and he was always in pain. He had been stupid and filed for SS early and was not getting much from it and HAD to work. Work in enormous pain all the time. I worked with the pain and JOKED about it. I felt the pains I felt were medals only I could see of courage having worked there so long. Accomplishments. I still see it that way.

I never thought I would live this long due to the way I lived in my past. After losing my job I thought of suicide but it was a passing thing - mostly. I still think of it sometimes. My 2 birds give me reason to live. I have also grown curious about how LIFE will end my life. I have at times a dark sense of humor and when someone asks me what I am doing these days, I tell them I am waiting to die. No not really. At times I feel that way. Other times I think of how I want to see all the AVATAR movies being made and staggered for release far into the future. My mother lived to be 77. My father, 86. Both died of cancer. I am amazed my dad lived so long with his lifestyle. I am living very clean these days. Looking back on my life, although I bragged about living a hard life, I think not so much now. The HARD life of drinking were only a few years. Maybe 12 but I could quit. My body did not like to feel bad. Hangovers are not fun so why get them? Talking about living a hard life sounds very dramatic. Yes, I know how to do it and I also know how to live clean and healthy. Checks and balances inside me. I lived self-destructively at times. Stupidly. But I learned how to live wisely. I hope so now.

I have had to adjust my whole standard of living to only having Social Security to live on with a tiny bit of savings for backup. Buy what I NEED and not what I WANT. Living cheap is a hobby. I have to adjust my self perception to wearing that suit of “senior citizen”. I am still wearing the clothing of my youth. Jeans, sweatshirts and T shirts. Some kid aged in his clothing and now looks like an old goat in youth clothes.

I have to have a sense of humor about the SC label now. That identity. SC = Senior Citizen. I am happy to have my own home and fear being put into some kind of “home” some day for old people. THAT is a nightmare to me. It inspires me to not live stupid and live as healthy as I can. SURVIVE. Be able to keep this body and mind the best I can without any help.

I think of SC’s I knew in the past when young and try to think of mistakes they made I do not want to make. I think of how in 8 years SS is supposed to start running out of money unless the government puts money into it (after robbing it for the past few decades!). The post Boomer generations are going to be FUCKED unless they have much money in the bank UNLESS the politicians do something about SS. That is horrifying to me. For them. I know that the Fascists in USA see anything good for the people as “Socialism” and thus, bad. What saves lives. It is insane and stupid. I think I have about 8 decent years to live before hell on earth IF we don’t all die in a nuclear war.

When I was a kid, I used-to think SC’s were wise. I realized some were and some were not. Am I “wise?” I have seen much bigotry about old people these days. Amazing. Yeah, some are dumbasses. Same with young people. I have encountered some very wise youth and hope they stay that way and lead. I wish the dumbass boomers would get out of politics. Age has nothing to do with being a dumbass.

The worst thing about being a SC is observing my body. I once had great skin and now I see it got switched for a hideous wrinkle suit! I have lost numerous teeth over the years. Damn sweets! I joke with myself that, when I grow up I want to be able to afford teeth! I remember how before he died, my dad got some implants so he could eat all his favorite foods. Smiling thinking about that. I keep hoping for some brilliant dental break through where someone would invent cheap tooth implants. Ahhhh to eat potato chips and hard foods again!

I was the only person in the factory that wore ear protection. For 43 years. Smart. I cup my hand to ear mostly to focus on what someone is saying not for lack of hearing. I doubt if I will ever need a hearing aid.

I was athletic and muscular most of my life. I have seen that fade in the past year. Muscle and probably bone density loss. I accept it. If I could get a few abdominal surgeries I would get back into shape. Medicare would pay for it but living alone, I cannot go it alone. I have been looking for someone to pay to help me for possibly 2 days just to make sure I can walk and not rip myself open. Pride, you see :-) Self sufficiency. Always been that.

My vision is ok but need cataract surgery. New glasses recently. I love these things but have blurred vision at times due to the cataracts.

My weight is not horrible but need to be careful what I eat. A box of cookies is a big thing for me. Ice cream? Maybe for Christmas.

Only on 1 medication and supposedly free of cancer. Colonoscopy past summer. Doc said it was great only 1 needed these days. Had a scare at the eye docs. Said he saw a freckle inside my eye. Mentioned cancer but said probably not. Yet I am concerned.

Hemorrhoids. I knew I had them years ago when I passed a huge amount of blood at work one day. GUSH! Squirt! BLOOOOOOOD! Nearly fainted seeing all that blood in the toilet. Man-up and drive home without fainting. Found out many people have those things. Colon doc wrote that down with her exam. Such intimacy. Gives me a perspective on life. As I tell people, “If you are not puking, coughing or shitting blood, you are doing ok”. I remind myself of that at times. It was a good day…no bleeding. When I worked in the factory, bleeding from cuts was part of everyday life. I have an amused memory of gashing a lower leg and trying to run through the factory holding my leg as blood gushed out. It made the guys laugh and I laughed with them. Wrap it good and keep on working.

Mental acuity. I forget words and events at times. Part of memory loss for me is not wanting to remember. It feels like a big burden to carry. Tiresome to be bothered with the past. Remember the 3 or 4 years of high school? It was only bad experiences to me now. But in relation to the rest of my 66 years? It wasn’t shit. Short time and short time of trauma. I cannot change it so…fuck it.

I was bothered by dreams of the factory. Now I accept it. Oh my mind ripped out bits and pieces of memory of THAT place and threw them around in my mind. Why not other times? Why not memories of getting laid and loving and falling in and out of love? Because the factory was like a home to me. More meaningful than home or loves. It was a love to me. At times I want to go look at what is now an empty, hollowed out thing I once worked in. I hear the wood burning furnace is still there. Funny. What wood would any future occupant have to burn in it? The blower system that removed the wood and other waste material is still there. But the soul is gone. No, I would be looking at a SHADOW thing. Like one of the parts of my dreams. I have the wisdom to not go back there and leave it in the past. Just as I have the wisdom to not cling to anything from my past. I think of a woman I once loved who found a man to live happily ever after with. Good for her. I think of her and let her go. THAT is what a WISE old bastard does: Lets go of the past. What is happening NOW? Sure, listen to the music of the past. Movies and TV but look at the present and future. Let go of people as they let go of me. Keep going. Old but not dead. Too many OLD people die once they reach a certain age. They die inside and what still lives, is a mind looking backward as they die.

I used to lament not having any meaning or purpose after job loss. SURVIVAL is the age old meaning and purpose. Not the lives of movie or pop stars. Not the bullshit in life. That next breath. Try not to bleed in the big 3 ways. Avoid being stupid because stupid dies and takes others with it. Evidence the anti vax dumbfucks.

I will practice wearing this Old Bastard suit. Practice being it and make sure I a good at it. Better than others before me. Make it a joke and roll with it laughing. I hope the last thing this old bastard does with his last breath is to make it a LAUGHING last breath.

I find a profundity and peace in this revelation about life and how to appreciate it:

As you breathe in, some other poor bastard exhaled for the last time.

Enjoy and be thankful for that breath you just took.

I am.

NOW.

.


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