My mom is obsessed with weight. She starves herself to get smaller and brags how beautiful she is yes she wears her old clothes instead of buying more. The shows everyone her baggy pants as a size comparison how much weight she has lost.
Mom last night swore I lost weight demanded me to get on her scale. Due to me having an eating disorder I kept from junior high through college I starved myself or threw up to be “pretty” when my now husband found out my insecurities and my disorder when our scale broke he said I can no longer bring another one in. There has been days he threaten to take the mirrors off the wall. He told me in this house we love ourselves. In this house we exercise to be healthy not because we fear the scale or what mom says because we deserve to be healthy. If I try not to eat he reminds me that if you go to long without eating the body digests itself to survive including killing brain cells which obviously is very important to survive. My husband is trying to heal years of programming from my mother.
When she tries to force me to get on her scale I just leave her house. She cries that it is unfair she deserves to know my weight. As long as I keep a healthy lifestyle I reserve the right not to know. My mom tries to reach out and touch my fat rolls to measure them when I refuse to let her touch them she argues and cries. Sometimes to piss her I remind her not all of us can have an eating disorder. I reserve the information of my weight to myself.
Last night I tried to go back to the Dollar Tree plus hoping there was a book on essential oils was still there. It was already gone. I took mom with me. She bought her a buggy full. I bought me a few drinks, a metal insulated drinking thermos and a phone charger mouse pad.. sadly the phone charger mouse pad didn’t work with my phone. I am going to try to find my smart watch and see if it will charge that. I bought 6 new masks.
I really wanted today for myself. I only have 2 days off a week yet mom always finds a way to make me drive her around for her chores. She begged me to drive her to the doctor because my brother still refuses to give mom back her truck he took away from her. He has had it over 2 weeks she lets him uses it and complain when it isn’t available. Mom is talking about buying a Subaru from Uncle Randy. I really hope she buys her own vehicle but I know for a fact she will still make me drive. I am her taxi.
Yesterday my husband threw a fit he wanted me to stay home and do chores. Him and mom always competes for my time. I have to fight to even have time for myself. I bought a paint set hoping to start painting again instead I left the house because I got tired arguing with my husband. For a while put my phone on silence just to get peace to discover a long text message from my mom how dare I wasn’t available for her needs. Please guys I deserve me time.
I really wanted to go to Ben Franklin to look at fabric. Talan said it was to far away. I wanted to go to Joann Crafts to get beeswax so I can make beeswax wraps so I can quit using plastic wrap but due to placing everyone before my self once again the project wasn’t done.
I was going to buy shop towels at Harbor Freight as a paper towel substitute. I am trying to become more sustainable and decrease using disposable items. I never made it there for bending backwards to care for others. I think shop towels would be great to clean the house with best of all they are reusable.
I have a stack of books beside my bed collecting dust simply because I can’t find time for myself. I am always there for someone never myself.
Here it is early in the morning I woke up early hoping to find a moment of peace. My cats just told me it is time for me to feed them. Yes dears I am coming.
It would scare me if I ever got a moments of peace because I would know something is wrong. Today my husband goes to work at 12. I need to find out what time he gets off. I leave taking care for mom for her appointments and then so I can taxi him home. I swear if I am lucky I might have one moment to decorate my porch for Christmas.. what is peace? I don’t know.