Sitting in my car with my hands on my head in Mental Disabilites

  • Oct. 13, 2021, 2:15 p.m.
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Man, I don’t even see the point of trying anymore. The dotted line is crooked and I should never have signed it.
And if that isn’t the saddest thing I’ve thought today it’s probably one of the one and a half million other negative shit spouting around in me noggin’.

Actually, imma try n keep this fresh n street for yall, bad news doesn’t have to sound like bas news, right? Imma just write whatever comes to mind without stopping, n try and sum it up in the to some sort of point. Haven’t made that point yet, and I can’t delete that ‘cuz I’m forcing myself to just go go go.

Alright, so… Wake up, girlfriends anxiety goes mental and makes mine go mental. Anxiety much? Ya! It bites and whatever is bitten bleeds, that’s how it always works. And since we’re both biters n bleeders it was hard getting my ass to work. But I managed, I got there. No answers from any clients, tried calling one up that I had a good feeling with but his deadline isn’t until march so he was in absolutely no hurry. I was cursing his name and dead dog’s all the way that “hell” thing but I had to keep a big smile on ma face face like it was no biggie. But mother fucker am I tired of spending money and miles and TIME on this job. I make next to nothing and I actually have no idea how the fuck I am supposed to pay rent next month. My expenses are bigger than my pay.
So I eat lunch. Emails keep rolling in, all of them from people canceling their meetings. So I’m starting to get a bit pissed and bored with the routine of “everything sucks so fuck you and your hopes” and a new guy on the team invites me out for a smoke. I’ve been trying to quit but as he put it: “It’s probably not a good time for you to quit, you should probably watch your temper. You looked like you were gonna explode before!” So I explained over the course of the next 16 seconds the headlines of my life the last 5 years and why I need this job to work so bad. I see it as my last chance. Oh shit, forgot to street it up. Uuhh, it’sa ma last chanzzle. That just sounds like a black Mario sentence from a Nontondi game. Lol, what the fuck am I on about. I was telling a wall of text, yeah. We have a nice short talk, he’s a cool dude.

My boss asks if I want a meeting in the next town over, 4 potential policies from a sort of eager customer, says it might be a sure thing. I hesitate but end up taking it since I’ve made zero sales for two weeks and can’t afford to not do it. Even though it might have ended up just costing me money. As I arrive I just sit in the car, holding my head once again, trying to find some positivitizzle in all of this shit. It seems like there’s never a break anywhere, no shortcuts, no rewards for the effort; in short I was having another mental breakdown. They’re so frequent and I haven’t bothered to tell you about all the previous ones from today. I actually lose count, dunno what else to say. But whatever, I get outta the car, smoke a fag, eat some gum, knock on the door and the young buff dude opens. Meeting done, closed it, hell yeah. But absolutely no victory laps run in my head. I am so far from my goal still, it was a small step, but god damn, I felt nothing. Nada, eh. And that made me feel even more like shit. End the meeting, shake hands, big smile. Dunno if he could tell I had my prettiest poker face on the whole time and had no emotions other than “kill me” hidden behind my pearly whites.
Drive home blasting The Devil Makes Three. Most music sucks, especially modern music, but these guys seem to get it. Start with the old albums, great lyrics.

Spend a few hours at home, drive out to the next meeting at around a quarter to seven. It’s dark, it’s raining, can’t see shit because of all the rich people’s flashy LED lights. So I drive blinded on wheels that should’ve been swapped out for news around 6 months ago, in a car that can be picked up by a small deer and thrown off the road. But behold the fields in which I grow my fucks and thee shall see that it is barren, so I drove like it was the business of nobody. Made it to the fuckers house at 7.30, knock the door. Knock his other door. Get my company cellphone out to call him. Call him, spot his wife with their infant child in her arms. I smile with my pretties poker face: Hello! I’m from ain’t telling yall that, I’m here for our meeting ^_^ (So excited for this!!)

On my drive home I was like, this is the last meeting imma ever have driven to. Yea, I was pissed. Who the hell makes an appointment and goes to sleep instead of putting it in your calendar or something? Jesus. Couldn’t get mad at the wife, she had no idea he had made a meeting.

So here I am now.
I have no idea what tomorrow brings, but I’m prepared to sell all of my shit, get a van with a mattress and hit the road and not look back. I am so fed up with the system and people and freaking mada facking everything in this society. I pay taxes like a mother fucker, almost 50% of my income in this country. Buhuuuullshihiiiit.. And what do I get when asking for the help I’m entitled for? Fucking nothing. Other than a discount on my next box of happy pills. Fuck that, fuck your happy pills, fuck your standardizing, fuck your way of thinking and fuck this whole way of living. Everything sucks so fuck that too. Fuck the cosmos and multiverse can suck my dick. That’s what I was thinking on my drive home anyway. Still raining like a mother fucker and people getting blinded by idiots 3 times too. See my headlights? Yeah. That’s when you adjust your lights. Oh?! See that? I flashed mine? See how bright that was? THAT’S WHAT’S YOUR ARE LIKE TURN THEM THE FUCK DOWN! And then I’m like I gotta chill or I’m having a heart attack so I crank up the tunes and put on some Dyscarnate.

Now, I’m a little bit baked, on my way to play some online shooters where I’ll probably fail miserably and rage quit and go to YouTube only to realize I’m fed up with all sorts of social media and walk aimlessly around the apartment until I collapse and sleep till the morning where, and you’ll never guess this: I get to do it all over again. Gooood morning lemmings!

Jesus. I must be fun a parties. Wait until I share with you my knowledge of corrupt shit different governments have done and are still doing.

I still can’t think of a point. Other than, uh. Well, maybe keep swimming? And don’t have mental breakdowns that are avoidable. Maybe I can practice it somehow.

Skrah! Bujakasha

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