Because of an incident on here today I have realized I need to be a bit careful. Whoever may read my stuff will know I have a thing about using NATURAL language. (Profanity).
I have realized I am a grumpy old bastard. I try not to show it too much because I am AWARE OF IT. I remember bitchy grumpy old people when I was young. It must have occurred to me back then the thought of, “damn, hope I am not that way IF I get old!”. I remember seeing my dad become a grumpy mean hateful cuss of a man. I thought it was because he had always hated me and was finally letting it out AND my mother’s death had left him that way.
I am AWARE of the grump voice in me. AWARE of my emotions and, most of the time WHERE they come from in me. I learned long ago that there are 2 primary emotions. 2 parent emotions. Love And Fear. Freud mentioned Eros and Thanatos. Love and Death desires in us all. The desire to live and the urge to die etc. I often look at where my emotions are coming from and it is easy to see the anger issues rising from a parent of fear. All my life I have had fear. Anxiety. I was put in a psych hospital for it back in 1964. Fear made me afraid of being afraid. Eventually I got to know IT. It helps that I accepted in an empathetic way that we are all afraid. My father turned his to anger and I turned mine to more positive things. Self-reflection I think now. I learned to grow my Emotional Intelligence.
When I am grumpy now, I ask myself what asking another man would get me knocked on my ass for: “What are you afraid of? What is there in you that makes you want to lash out?” Answer: With age comes NEW fears. Why do I resent __ and ____? It helps me deal with the grumpiness and look back in time to my father and understand him a little more. It helps me understand why the neighbor kids grandfather was such an ornery mean man. I understand it more because of … EMPATHY. I can understand the anger and anxiety of youth because of EMPATHY.
Empathy is a wonderful way to ungrump the self and hopefully feel more compassion for others and my grumpy old ass.