I am a warning to younger people in how I ended up in my later years.
There is no self-pity in this. It is the karma of my life. What I have created by NOT having close relationships over the decades of my life.
People often ask why I did not marry again. I came close to it a few years ago but knew it was a bad idea. I could see someone wanted to use me and had I married her, it would have been a living hell for me. It is better to live alone than with someone you would be miserable with.
I am not close to my neighbors. I know the first names of people living on one side of me. I think people are less connected with their neighbors these days. If I were to die in my house, nobody would notice it for maybe a week. I think the smell of my rotting body would not be smelled for a while unless some passersby were to pause for a wiff. Then again they might think it’s just a dead animal nearby or under my house. Morbid thought.
Please, cultivate people. Cultivate rich friendships so that at the end of your life you are not alone. Again, no self-pity. It is simply a reality I face. I can call my sister for help but she and her husband are often very patronizing. Condescending. They know they are the only people I can turn to. The only people I have any connection to that could help. Or an older brother that could but I think he is a bit lost (mentally) at times.
Live so that there is always someone that WANTS to help you and that is close to you in spirit. A close circle of friends. Cultivate them like a treasured garden. Nurture their presence well. I did not. I was too independent and that may literally be the death of me.
Dark thoughts but a warning to others.
It makes me laugh that some day I may be one of those horrible OLD people I have read about that a hazmat team is sent in to take care of what is left of me.
I do not mind so much the idea of dying. I had a good life and a bad life. A life. I am concerned about my 2 birds. I gave them a good life and I hate the idea of their having a horrible death because of me.