I can't sleep and I lay awake wondering where things have gone wrong. What curve in the road did I not take that I was supposed to. At times like this I debate whether or not the good outweighs the bad in my life. I have completely fallen off track in nearly everything I am supposed to do in my daily life and my overall plan. I'm rushing now to accomplish tasks that should have been finished long before they are due and I am eating now to overcome the feelings that I cannot control that are flooding over me. At times it feels like I don't even have control of my life and I wish I could wipe the slate completely clean and start over. Unfortunately that is not a possibility.
I have put on 16 pounds over the last couple of months after having successfully taken off nearly 40. I can see it creeping back up on me and there is nothing I can do to stop myself from continuing to eat. I tell myself every morning that this is going to be it and that I am going to make the change but by 10 I am cramming something in my mouth to help me focus on the task at hand. At least that is what I am telling myself while I am doing it. If I don't find a way soon to over come my feelings and stop I am going to be right back where I was and that is only going to serve to compel me to go deeper.
Work is out of control. Everywhere I turn there are tasks that need to be done and I am not focused, or care enough, to get them done. My office looks like a bomb blew up in it and still I continue to do nothing about it. I don't know if it is feeling that I can't do the job or that it has gotten to the point where I don't care about the job. All I know is that I have stopped and like other things in my life I don't know how to fix it.
I have gotten to the point that I can't even rub one off anymore, it has been over a month since I have had any type of sexual fulfillment. Since I have entered this depression all desire has left me and I don't even really care much about it any more. On the whole this really has not impact on anyone but my but just add it to the list of issues that are running through me right now.
My biggest concern is my temper. One of the few thing I got from my father was his temper. Has the years have gone by I have learned to control it for the most part. But truth be told it is starting to get the better of me. It seems like I am out looking for someone to argue with these days. This bothers me the most. I deal with little kids every day and they don't need to see me in a pissy mood day in and day out. That has an impact on them that they don't need.
I am not even going to reread this. I think that has been the problem with me posting on a regular basis, I write, I reread, I delete. Today I will write and post and to hell with what others think. I have gotten something off my mind and hopefully it will help get through the day a little easier. If not, well it is just another day to get through.