Been A Month, but it’s BEEN A Month in 2021

  • Aug. 1, 2021, 11:59 p.m.
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Still being love bombed. It’s been frustrating. Trying to constantly protect my peace, and essentially pretend everything is okay. It’s hard, you know, as an emotional being to just NOT express myself. It gets lonesome. Even if the recipient is much less than empathetic and doesn’t truly care, and is pretending so as of late just to play his own game. Which is ironic, since he told me tonight to stop playing cat and mouse. But I have tried to act more “normal” and the more “normal” I act to more “normal” he is. Normal in quotes because my normal is a trauma response and his normal is just being a dick. I can’t say that I enjoy his “normal” anymore than I enjoy allowing it. But at least I know I’m in control. Which is weird. Knowing what will happen and all. It’s like a subconscious script they all have. I can manipulate the day based on how much of me I give him. By that I mean - If I allow my normal self to come out, he plays off it. If I withdraw, he recedes and inwardly starts guessing how to act next. It’s fascinating to see it play out.
So we went to the beach as a family. That was not enjoyable. He showed his ass a few times, one of which was when he was needlessly hounding the oldest and I stood up for her. He tried to humiliate me in public. Twice. The youngest was very excited about the beach while getting ready for bed the night before we left and she says “are you going too, papa?” And he says “of course I am - I paid for it didn’t I?” I didn’t say a word. But I sat there fuming inside. How is that relevant for a 4yo? It’s not.
His punishments for the girls are equally as asinine. He will find something that hurts their feelings and use that. So there was this flower pot, empty, just arbitrarily placed on the sidewalk. Collected rain water. No specific purpose. Apparently the girls wanted to dump it but he kept saying no, and plans to use it but wouldn’t say for what. Our oldest expressed that she wanted to water the porch flowers with it. He said no. So the 4yo just does what she wants and dumps it. So he tells her “you can’t do blooming flowers the next time we do them” (they were using up leftover blooming flowers from July 4th). This broke her heart. Another time he made this huge ordeal about her stepping on a puzzle. And then immediately after she asked to climb on his back and he scolds her “No! Not after what you just did!” Fortunately, but unfortunately, our oldest is picking up on his BS. Back to the flower pot - when I went outside to question why the 4yo was distraught he said why and then said he planned to use the rain water to water the flowers. She immediately says “NUH-UH! That’s not fair! I SAID I WANTED TO WSTER THE FLOWERS WITH IT!” There was another instance like this but I didn’t notate it and cannot remember. Happened just last week too. But she will call him out “THATS not what you said!” And she gets very upset when he changes what he said to her.
On the topic of favoritism towards our youngest, he actually said the other day, “oh man I hope she [oldest] doesn’t notice I give [the youngest] more attention than her” - when I addressed them going back to therapy. Oh! And during their therapy session he just had to interrupt and call me.
Today he questioned me over some purchases - which is fine. It used to be a major issue because he always reprimanded me and even though he doesn’t reprimand me like he used to, it’s still very triggering for me. He once got really upset because of $5 cash back so I could tip the baggers $1. He told me not to. So today it was all fine until he just threw in a “did you get cash back from Sprouts?” The conversation went as follows:
Me: No, why?
Him: I’m just looking at the account.
Me: So it tells you when and where I get cash back?
Him: ....fumbling with words
Me: I’m not stupid. The reason you asked is because I got cash back from the commissary…and you saw it. And I laughed.

So then there was some back and forth about why I got cash back. I stated so I have a little cash in my pocket so I don’t use the debit card all the time for quick snacks, a water or whatever. He said a debit card can be used for that. I said it’s more convenient to hand cash over than to swipe and stuff. Whatever. I asked him why he withdraws money. Back pedaling and deflection occurred big time. He stated he doesn’t withdraw money. I asked how that’s possible when he always has cash in his wallet. Then turned around and said he does but doesn’t spend it. So I ask what happens to it. He deflects again. Tells me NOT to withdraw anymore money. Y’all....lemme tell you. This is kinda convoluted but here’s the situation. I go to two stores. The commissary and sprouts. He saw the receipt from the commissary. But not from Sprouts because I left the bags by the door and he didn’t know. I left to run to Walmart real quick and asked if he could unload the groceries. Well that’s when he saw the receipt. So he specifically asked about sprouts because he couldn’t find that receipt. And I figured that out when I realized I left the bags by the door. So I mentioned it and said “you suspected I double dipped and got cash back from Sprouts too?” He admitted it!! I then asked why he is suspicious of me. And I asked why $10 is such a big deal. His angle was that he’s “told me not to get cash back ever” and stated that around the same year period as the commissary cash back to tip the bagger, that I also got cash back from food lion. LMAO!!! Like what? I asked what year it was. He said “a few years ago” then immediately said “I’m done playing cat and mouse” - well excuse me, sir, but you’re chasing your own tail here.

Anyways y’all, he has $260 in his wallet from pills he sold and he wants to be suspicious of the $10 I have - THAT I HANDED BACK TO HIM, mind you. I literally gave it back. I told him to STFU over $10 - but it’s not that, he says, it’s because he told me overall not to get cash back ever.

Then at bed time he asks for a hug and kiss goodnight. I said I’m not in the mood. He asks how can I not be. I said “because I got reprimanded, insulted, and accused of being suspicious and I’m not going to just give you a hug and kiss to make you feel better about yourself. That’s it right? It’ll make you feel better?” He said “yes, wouldnt it you?” I said “no it won’t” he said “how?” I said “because I’m not done processing this shit yet and I don’t need to give you want you want with no regards at all to my feelings.”
I’ve been in weekly therapy. I have a narc abuse coach, too. This shit is bananas.

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