Today I feel in 2021

  • June 8, 2021, 4:08 p.m.
  • |
  • Public

Unsure of how to proceed.

He’s noticing I’m different. I did give in to sex a few days ago. Don’t regret it. But I’m just not reacting to anything. I’m not myself and he knows it. When he got back from a five day training exercise he told me he loves me about 10 times in a five min period. Our 12yr anniversary was last week. Went to eat sushi Saturday evening. It’s rough. The therapist told me to be grey - meaning don’t react. Play grey. Don’t be excited or upset or follow the same patterns. If I don’t react to anything then he can’t mirror anything and loses his grip and control. The therapist said it’s time to make a plan to leave. But I don’t want to. I want to stay in my house because the kids are here. They were born here. I had them in this house. Moving them would be so painful for them. Especially the oldest. My mom said I should plan to stay. Let him be the one who walks out. Long as I hold my stance, it just may happen. Her husband did. She didn’t predict that at all. She hoped he would, he did, and much faster than she expected.

I reached out to another coach who does what mine does. I didn’t reach out to mine because she had to put her dog down this morning. I didn’t want to bother her. And I just word vomited to this other coach. Then regretted it and unsent and told her I’m sorry and to never mind. Now I feel like they’re both thinking I’m crazy. I already feel like the coach I was talking to doesn’t believe me (she does) and thinks that I’m a burden (she doesn’t). But it truly feels like this. I feel like it’s not real. It’s so hard to explain. So I reached out to the other girl (they are actually friends) and she didn’t reply for 11 min after seeing/hearing my voice messages. So I immediately thought the worst.

I can’t trust myself and now I am looking like a nutcase to others. I just don’t know if my plan is the right one. I don’t know if finding a job is #1 or getting my own cell phone plan should be first, or what. I don’t know what to do.

DE_KentuckyGirl June 09, 2021

I grey rocked my ex and he left. In his mind, leaving was a threat to make me react. When I didn't, he panicked and came back.

If yours leaves, he very well may stay gone. But he also may not. You may eventually have to be the one who goes. That was what I had to do.

Dealing with narcissists is so hard. Grey rock works. And so does absolute indifference when you get away.

Jeanie DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ June 10, 2021

Thank you so much for your input. I’m questioning everything. I have to be better about not reacting to anything. Like, NOTHING. Poker face. I do reciprocate some affections that I’m okay with. But having a hard time deciding if that is a good idea or not. Like, if I cut off that then I’ll just be more depressed.

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