Unsure of how to proceed.
He’s noticing I’m different. I did give in to sex a few days ago. Don’t regret it. But I’m just not reacting to anything. I’m not myself and he knows it. When he got back from a five day training exercise he told me he loves me about 10 times in a five min period. Our 12yr anniversary was last week. Went to eat sushi Saturday evening. It’s rough. The therapist told me to be grey - meaning don’t react. Play grey. Don’t be excited or upset or follow the same patterns. If I don’t react to anything then he can’t mirror anything and loses his grip and control. The therapist said it’s time to make a plan to leave. But I don’t want to. I want to stay in my house because the kids are here. They were born here. I had them in this house. Moving them would be so painful for them. Especially the oldest. My mom said I should plan to stay. Let him be the one who walks out. Long as I hold my stance, it just may happen. Her husband did. She didn’t predict that at all. She hoped he would, he did, and much faster than she expected.
I reached out to another coach who does what mine does. I didn’t reach out to mine because she had to put her dog down this morning. I didn’t want to bother her. And I just word vomited to this other coach. Then regretted it and unsent and told her I’m sorry and to never mind. Now I feel like they’re both thinking I’m crazy. I already feel like the coach I was talking to doesn’t believe me (she does) and thinks that I’m a burden (she doesn’t). But it truly feels like this. I feel like it’s not real. It’s so hard to explain. So I reached out to the other girl (they are actually friends) and she didn’t reply for 11 min after seeing/hearing my voice messages. So I immediately thought the worst.
I can’t trust myself and now I am looking like a nutcase to others. I just don’t know if my plan is the right one. I don’t know if finding a job is #1 or getting my own cell phone plan should be first, or what. I don’t know what to do.