Jumbled in 2021

  • May 30, 2021, 8:58 p.m.
  • |
  • Public

Im changing my screen name to be less identifiable.

I know some of this might just look like an endless stream of random memories but there’s so much I am remembering that was forgotten.

Here’s my thoughts on today…

When we got married, it was rushed for the sake of the custody case. He didn’t want to get rings. He said it wasn’t important. So I went to Walmart and bought $15 stainless steel rings the night before our “wedding”

Also something else that came to mind - he will boast to me, and has often, that the first night I hung out with him, he says “I could have fcked you. You would have let me, but I didn’t do it because I wanted more. If I had fcked you I wouldn’t have been in for the long haul and you’d be just another side piece” and my response is “18-20 hours doesn’t change that…you had sex with me the very next day…”. These words have never hit quite like they do now. It always sounded so endearing to me. He also has this grandiose story about my contact info on a napkin. How he lost it the night he met me when he dropped his friend off at home the napkin apparently blew out of his car and then found it after he and his friend searched for it and suddenly it blew onto the sidewalk. He swears to god it’s true. He also loves to bring up how he said “I love you” in German long before I said i loved him. When he’d say it, I would ask what it means. He response: “you find out soon”.

He used to also get upset, if when we were out drinking or on vacation together, when I’d stop drinking or if I didn’t want to, like if I had two drinks and decided I had enough. He wanted me to drink more. Would pressure me. Then ridicule me if I didn’t. Then start an argument. Our trip to PCB ended on a not great note. One night I had enough alcohol and I was done. He got so upset and started an argument. I can’t remember the specifics and he left the room to go walk on the beach by himself. He was ready to come home. Still not sure what bugged him so badly but he said after the second day he had enough. We were there fir 5 days.

Is it possible that not all narcs cheat? Many believe they do. He doesn’t have social media - says his job is too important and doesn’t like drama. Used to imply I shouldn’t be on social media either. He routinely clears out his text messages - says it frees up space on his phone. But he’s not continually downloading things so I don’t know what he needs the space for. I have access to his yahoo email. I know he has two others - work and a random gmail. No access to either of those. I know that he knows cheating is the deal breaker. I would LEAVE. So maybe he hasn’t cheated. Or maybe he’s just really good at hiding it. There were a couple instances in the beginning that had me wondering and another time when he went to Cali on work business but was more leisure than anything. I haven’t snooped beyond the random pocket or bag check. I became neurotic with checking up on my ex. I got really good at it to the point that I could guess his passwords by his keystrokes. I would get one or two letters at a time. Over the course of a week, sometimes longer.

He also never takes photos of me or me and the girls. I usually have to ask. Every once in a while he will decide to send me photos he took of me sitting on a messy couch with my messy hair and lounge clothes. Never when we are nicely dressed, like before/after church. Or if we go somewhere as a family.

That’s all for today.

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