Just logging things that I might forget:
One recurring situation that stands out in my mind is that when I am reprimanded, its as if I’m a child. And the times I have mentioned as such, I get something like, “Well I didn’t think I’d have to explain this to an adult” in reply. Or “don’t buy that. It’s a waste of money” - I’ll ask for a legitimate reason, for instance, a little bag of bunny hay/dried flower treats. “it’s a waste of money” - but earlier that day stopped off for a big ass bottle of beam.
I started talking to someone about this and I have a session with her on the 31st. In the meantime she asked me to journal facts — things I can remember about prior situations. So I went and searched for my old journals. I found my last one, which only had a few pages written on, so I decided to read a little. What I found was both shocking and eye-opening. Repressed memories. I changed details in my head about specific situations. I didn’t remember that he toppled over his dresser, slamming it into mine and gashing one of the drawers. A drawer I see every single day. I see that gash every single day and hadn’t remembered that it was from his rage outburst. Even though I had refreshed my memory about the entire situation just 4 days ago, I now can’t remember why the argument even started. I just know that he followed me up to continue to pester me. He grazed my face with a sock, twice, so I grabbed a shirt with removable straps, not knowing the one end came unhooked and it hit him in the face. He lunged towards me with his fist and I cowered and turned away because I really thought he was going to hit me…he was standing two inches from me and instead grabbed his dresser and shoved it and it hit mine.
Another argument I had forgotten about was when he punched our bedroom door and cracked it. I remember after reading my journal that I told him not to fix it so he can remember what he did. I forgot all about it. I see that crack every day. There are other situations that I have intertwined together and its hard to make out what happened with them.
Another time my mouth made him so angry that he threw a bottle of dressing and it exploded everywhere.
He used to OFTEN tell me “you don’t know when to shut the fuck up” - claimed I liked to argue and fight…that I just can’t let shit go. Which always confused me because he would change the subject when we had disagreements or would bait me in odd ways into responding. Or his favorite…circling back to me on issues on how he doesn’t see the problem so theres nothing to talk about, so I must be the one with the problem. How I always explained it is he would cut me off before I could make my point or express how it was perceived from my side. Like he would literally walk away and ignore me. If i followed him, it would bring out the rage and he would then bow up and fluff his feathers, threatening me if I didn’t leave him alone or “let him by” - and sometimes i pushed those boundaries. I wanted to talk. I wanted to be listened to. I didn’t want to be left confused feeling absolutely crazy.
He got upset recently because I used a scrap rag from the top of the scrap rag pile in the garage. Insulted me. He said it’s just logical to pull from the bottom of the pile (the pile is 2-3ft tall). I can’t find how that was supposed to cross my mind since they’re scrap rags. I argued that it doesn’t make sense and he should have informed me of such before I began my refurbish project. This is when he stated that he didn’t know he had to explain this stuff to an adult. That if it makes sense to him then it should make sense to me. I still don’t understand, two months later…so, yeah.
He will bitch and complain when someone (usually one of th kids) leaves an empty baby wipes bag in the bathroom. I had enough of that and finally told him to just shut the fuck up and pick it up silently…like I do…and move the fuck on. He got really mad and said he didn’t think he would have to pick up after everyone. I told him its not about that, that the girls are learning and to be patient. You know, practical parenting…and added that if he cannot pick up such a tiny thing then he can just leave. Eh, wrong thing to say, lol....but that happened after the rag incident. There was a stream of criticizing and ridicule when he got home from his last deployment and the rag/baby wipes thing was literally all I could handle and I lost my temper.
He barks commands at the kids (mostly our oldest) that sometimes makes me quint my eyes....and say in my head “WUT…?!” and the kids are equally confused. Dumb shit, too. Not letting them turn the hallway light on in the dark, making them wear shoes in our backyard, telling them they can’t ride their hover boards OUTSIDE; only inside. Telling our oldest to “eat all your veggies first” one night, then the next, “stop eating all of [broccoli] and eat your [chicken] first” - makes my head spin. Oh! I’m pretty certain he has picked a favorite child…our youngest. I’ve been wondering if my suspicions were legitimate for a while now…but now knowing what I know…I’m positive.
Everything is his. The cars. The house. The bed. The furniture. When he talks to other people he NEVER says “our”. Even when talking about my truck. Its his. Or when he’s on the phone…same thing. The other day I was cooking and he never says, “[wife] has dinner almost finished” - its “dinner is almost finished” or he will literally say HE has dinner almost finished. He used to do this when he played socom or other similar games online. It drives me batty.
He likes to throw breadcrumbs - allows me to sometimes drive “his” car (the g8) when I ask or sometimes tells me to take it every once in a while to run a small errand. No more. I’m never asking again, and I’m not accepting his offers anymore.
I now believe that trip to St Lucia, the ring I finally got, and my truck were also breadcrumbs.
Another thing I notice is he never seems to enjoy life - he overly obsesses when he gets into a project. Will put off things for this (recently put off his friends wedding to work on his car). And if I want to do something with him, I have to plan everything. Shit, I even had to argue with him one day over how it’s not my responsibility to schedule his chiropractic appointments for him. So he went weeks without going. I’m the one who has to call for everything - house warranty, insurance shit…everything. Like he goes to work and comes home and doesn’t want any responsibility. He will begrudgingly unload and load the dishwasher and do other stuff and says shit like “well if i don’t do it, it won’t ever get done” - ok, sir…major over exaggeration. How the hell do we survive when he’s gone? LOL…fucking drama queen. He never does things for the sake of wanting to help. He does it with huffs and puffs. It makes me feel so overwhelmed.
If I ask for a back rub, tickles, or anything like that, he flat just won’t do it. In 13 years he has rubbed my feet twice. He has zero issues with feet - trust me. He’s never rubbed a sore muscle group for me. I have begged. Nothing.
Today he just upset over how the bank account is overdrawn. Very rarely does this happen…but he called me and asked me to look at it today and see whats going on. Turns out…its all him - his damn car part purchases - totaling almost $2,000. Nothing is wrong, dear, except your inability to pull from savings and spends almost an entire paycheck on fucking car shit, and has the audacity to wonder WHY the account is overdrawn. heavy eye roll
Last updated May 27, 2021