New direction for my journal. I have come to a point in my life where my reality has been questioned. Some days I feel like I’m looking at a stranger. Then, an hour later I just want to forget what I had unearthed and keep going day by day like I have. But at some point I will have to face the demon. Is the demon the stranger I see? Who is his true form?
You ask, “what is she talking about? What? Where is this going?”
He is a narcissist with npd. And I love him. So much. So much, the thought of losing him makes my thoughts spiral. I am 98% sure of this fact, though, of NPD. The other 2% I believe is my wishful thinking that it’s still all just in my head. That I’m crazy. But I will say this - everything I have questioned about the quirks and confusion are easily explained when I listen to experts on the subject. Stonewalling, love bombing, hoovering, ALL. OF. IT. I don’t want it to be true. But it’s like, I know deep down. A few here are familiar with my old OD entries where I have questioned his behaviors and felt so confused by so much. I stopped journaling because it was always the same. I assumed it was me even though I felt deep down it wasn’t just me. I always claimed I was just busy. Y’all I’m sorry for lying. My ex most definitely was, in my opinion, one of the worst narcs to have ever existed. He’s still living - that last sentence sounded as if he doesn’t exist anymore (LOL).
I learned recently that my reactions are (most likely) from abuse - flight, fight, freeze, and fawn. I say most likely trying to be meek…but I mean, it’s obvious. I’m just coming into acknowledging all of this. I feel relieved there’s answers. But it’s still hard. Of course I don’t want this to be true. But I know it is.
I may come here to log stuff. It will depend on my mood. I just don’t want to write in a physical journal - he could find it. That would be detrimental for my mental health. I will also write here while not connected to WiFi as I just learned activity can be tracked easily. Go figure. Anyways…I plan to log our interactions here and try to talk them out. Please feel free to comment and add your two cents. It’s so very welcomed.
Last updated June 04, 2021