Fits of Fatigue and Irritability, and Still Chugging in Staying Connected

  • April 25, 2021, 2:13 p.m.
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  • Public

Today was my sleep-in day and I slept in all the way to 9am, which is pretty late for me. The thing is, at 9am I still didn’t feel ready to wake up, but I knew my husband would get frustrated if I stayed in bed any longer. He generally tries to be compassionate, but he has his limits. I dragged myself out of bed and went to thank him for not waking me up earlier, and as soon as I walked into the living room, without even looking up, he just said, “Finally!”

I didn’t take it personally right away, and I said thank you to him anyway. He quickly left to take his morning dump, and my daughter and I stayed back, ate breakfast, watched TV, and enjoyed the morning. We started getting ready for our Sunday morning grocery shopping trip, and that’s when my mood suddenly started declining. I was frustrated that I still felt tired, even after sleeping in so late, and I think I was a little sensitive to my husband’s attitude about the whole thing. But I really think I would have been able to cope with all of that if I didn’t also have to fight my daughter about every. little. thing. when it comes to getting ready to go somewhere.

She, of course, is happy as can be in her own little toddler bubble. When I tell her I need to comb her hair, she’s happy to do it; she just also needs to first pick a toy to hold while I comb her hair, and she wants me to hold her like a baby and sing to her first, and then she remembers that Nemo is in her room and we have to comb his hair, too. It’s just nonstop delaying what I could have done in three minutes. Then I have to go through the same routine when its time to put her socks and shoes on. I burn through all my patience in the first hour of the day, and then I just feel done.

We finally got everybody ready and piled into the car. I decided earlier in the day that I wanted to reread the story of my first daughter’s birth as a way of mentally preparing for delivering a second baby, and I thought a good time to do this would be on the way to the grocery store. But, of course, that story is in an old diary, and I couldn’t remember the email and password I used for that one. Meanwhile, my husband is trying to tell me something that doesn’t make sense to me, and my daughter is in the backseat going, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” while my husband just talks through it like he can’t hear her.

UGH. For a few minutes in the car I just wanted to scream. I just wanted to tell everybody to SHUT UP and let me BE for a fucking SECOND.

Luckily, I calmed down at the grocery store. Then, on the way home, I was able to access the public version of my old diary, and as soon as we got home I was able to log on through my laptop where the email and password are both automatically saved. My daughter and my husband are both in bed now, so I am getting the space I desired.

The sucky thing is I still have a lengthy list of things I need to get done today, and I am still really tired. And every day for the foreseeable future is jam-packed full of activities and responsibilities. It’s just really hard to catch a break these days.

Also, rereading the story of my daughter’s birth didn’t do much other than terrify me. There are some things I’ll be better prepared for this time, which I think I wrote about before. I know this time to bring my own food to the hospital, not to freak out if my baby is born with jaundice, and to have narcotics waiting for me at home. The parts that I worry about are breastfeeding (and the possibility of falling into the trap of depending on a nipple guard again), having to take that first post-delivery shit (I forgot about the horror of that), and, of course, the pain. I forgot that the pain wasn’t just because of vaginal tearing, but that it was also muscle tears. I think those muscle tears were probably the REAL source of pain, and remembering that is scary.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of groin pain that I only expect to get worse for the next two and a half months. So, I looked up some videos online of exercises I can do to manage the pain, and I think what I need to do is also incorporate some Kegels into my routine 1-2 times per day. My husband is a firm believer in Kegels being a good way to prevent muscle tearing. I’ve always kind of sucked at exercising (other than walking), but I feel a little extra motivated right now.

In other news, I just ordered gifts for my mother-in-law and her mom for Mother’s Day. I’m getting my mother-in-law a matching necklace and earing set from Kate Spade, and I’m getting her mom a garden angel. I plan to get my mom a matching necklace and earing set from Kate Spade as well, but since I’m going to have the package delivered directly to her house, I don’t want to order it yet. I don’t want it to get there over a week early.

Other things on the agenda for today? Well, I really need to finish making myself flashcards for my licensing exam. This Thursday I think I’m going to do my best to create a comparable experience to the day of the real exam. This means I want to wake up at the same time, eat the same food, and start the 4-hour mock exam at the same time that I will start the real exam on the actual day. So I really need to finish the flashcards before Thursday.

I’m also hoping I’ll have time to make my May calendar, clean the filters on our a/c’s, return a pair of bloomers to Etsy, write the checks to pay our bills, bring the checks over to my in-laws’ house (since we don’t have outgoing mail) and pick up the annual pass to the park we plan to go to tomorrow, take a shower, and give my kid a bath. That should be doable, right?

Sigh. I think so. But first, lunch.

Until next time <3


Last updated April 25, 2021


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