Chapter 12 in Digital Confessions

  • May 2, 2021, 11:26 a.m.
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Ariella thought of Melina’s journal and the things she’d learned from it about the lovely blond American girl who had captured her heart not long after they’d met. She had read the pages her mother had printed out for her every chance she got. On breaks at school. When Melina was sleeping. When Melina was busy elsewhere. In less than a week she’d read everything. Her mother then continued to print the latest of the story and the journal excerpts every two weeks when they went on their antique-shopping trips in northern Italy. It had become routine for her mother to drive them up and that was when she would read the material. On the way back, she usually did the driving.

Melina had been right; no one warns a potential partner up front of their faults and problems, be it sexually or not. The girl still didn’t know about her past relationships in which she had definitely made her share of mistakes. She didn’t know she would sometimes use her fists as a way of dealing with her anger. But things had been different with Melina. No matter how mad she might get, she knew she loved Melina too much to ever lay a hand on her.

As for her sex drive, yeah, Melina had a point. It was true that her appetite had always been a little lower than usual, even when she was younger. If anything, though, it had increased with Melina.

At first, she was determined to mention learning of the journal to Melina, but then as she read it, she realized that her mother and Nara had a point in saying she should probably keep quiet about it. From what she could see, Melina wasn’t doing anything wrong and hadn’t given her whereabouts away. And perhaps she did have a right to privacy at least from those closest to her in which she felt may be quicker to pass judgment upon her. There was also the selfish side of her that didn’t want Melina to set the journal to private and end up shutting her out of it. If she wasn’t going to talk to her, at least she could learn things about her through her writings. Besides, even if she told Melina she was aware of the journal and she left it public, the girl might still hold back. So, in the end, she’d decided it was better to let Melina keep the journal public if it was that helpful and fun for her, and so that she could learn more about her, rather than worry who else they may know that may discover it.

Ari was determined to be more passionate towards Melina. Melina spoke of not wanting to change her, but she didn’t see why being more physical would be changing her in any bad way. There was nothing wrong with getting closer to the one you loved, and she was also very attracted to Melina. These things would make it easy enough for her to do, along with the fact that she loved Melina and wanted to make her happy.

What worried her were the little crushes she confessed to having on people. She wasn’t so sure she could trust Melina as much as she’d like to. Melina may say she would always be faithful, but she was only human.

And young and gorgeous.

Even she herself questioned whether or not she could say no to anyone that may approach her. But she knew she also couldn’t watch her every minute of every day.

The only other concern she had with the journal was “Gothic Beauty.” Whoever this person was seemed a little on the obsessive side. They also hinted that they actually knew or had seen Melina.

God, she hoped not!

October 22, 2009

Last night was so fucking funny that I still crack up at times when I think of it! Ari offered to cook dinner because I worked longer than she had been at school. The rat was running around loose like she usually does when we get home. Ari spilled a few drops of tomato sauce at one point on her foot and Carina went charging for it, even though she’s trained to stay away from Ari.

I was in the bedroom when I heard her start screaming and then bust out of the back door. So I ran and screamed at Carina and chased her home. Then, trying not to laugh, I let Ari know it was safe to come back inside and she was not happy when she did!

I started to help her wipe up the mess she’d made when she freaked out and dropped the large spoon she’d been holding, but in minutes I collapsed on the floor in a heap of laughter. I simply couldn’t suppress it! Ari told me to just get out and so I ran laughing into the other room. About 20 minutes later she called me in for dinner, and sure enough, I could only keep it together for a few minutes. This time, though, even Ari laughed a little. She even licked my pussy for dessert. And even though it had been a long day and wasn’t the weekend. We both climaxed as a result of this wonderful activity.

October 23, 2009

Got some more done on my story. I think it’s coming along nicely. At least this is what people tell me. I haven’t written many stories before or had any formal training, so I don’t really know what I’m doing. But I’m having fun with it along the way and so I figure that’s good enough.

Contemplated telling Ari once again about the journal, then decided against it. Oh, I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want to seem like I’m holding things back or like I have anything to hide. But some of what I write in this journal is rather depressing, so I think it’s best I just keep it to myself. It seems to be working out ok this way anyway.

October 26, 2009

Another Nara weekend has come and gone. I feel like I’ve become a lot closer to her over time. She and I had talks that were more personal than usual. She’s not as hot as Ari and Lucia, but she’s really damn close. Close enough to see myself wanting her if I were single.

At one point I made the comment about how guys must be chasing her a lot of the time, but she said they don’t. I asked why since she’s really beautiful with lips as full as Angelina Jolie’s. She said that guys are turned off of her height, as opposed to women. Well, she certainly is tall. Like 5’ 10”. That’s the only thing Ari lacks. Ari’s only a few inches taller than me at around 5’ 4”. I’ve mostly been attracted to women over 5’ 5”. Nara wears flats a lot because she’s so tall, and even I agree that shorter women do look better in heels. Heels put Nara at 6’ or over and that’s getting a bit extreme.

Anyway, she’s bi, and we were talking about how she’s come to prefer women to guys more and more with time. I sense that she would be interested in me if I wasn’t with Ari, but can’t say for sure and I wouldn’t want to come out and put her on the spot by asking her just to settle my curiosity either, although I don’t see why I couldn’t. I think that we’ve gotten to know each other well enough to be able to discuss just about anything. I’m usually pretty good at reading people overall, but sometimes it’s hard to tell for sure if a person, single or not, likes me in that way or if they’re just a friendly person who likes just about everyone on the planet.

I realized something today and that’s that the thought of Nara eventually finding a girlfriend makes me jealous. Nothing I can do about it, though, when it happens. She has a right to be with someone, and she deserves someone who will make her happy. She’s pretty popular with the ladies at school, LOL. I guess one’s been hot for her that she’s not the least bit interested in.

I know it’s human nature to be attracted to more than one person in our lifetime whether we love them or not, but it’s like Ari’s brought out this whole new side of me I never knew existed. In the past, I’d be attracted to one person at a time, not four! Ari and her mom are definitely the best looking of them all. I obviously have a thing for older women and I guess I always have, although Clara wasn’t much older.

Comments: (2)
GothicBeauty: Would you be jealous if Lucia met someone?
thegirlinthemirror: You must be frustrated.

October 31, 2009

I’m sure I would be jealous, Goth, if Lucia took up with someone, but it’s bound to happen sooner or later. She’s a beautiful woman. But I would also be happy for her.

To answer you, thegirlinthemirror, no I’m not frustrated. Just curious. I think we all get curious as to what something would have been like had it turned out to be a certain way. If I were single and none of these people were interested in me, then I’d be frustrated for sure!

Ari and I had what I refer to as couch sex last night. I was lying on the couch with her, her against the back, me in front. We were watching TV, something she understands more of since my Italian’s not yet as good as hers. Then I got a little horny and she knew it, too. She reached down and got me off by hand. It felt so damn good! But then it bothered me that she didn’t participate. Only a little, but it did bother me, nonetheless. Especially when it happens too often. She says I’m so horny all the time because I’m so young. Later on in the bedroom, she gave me 50 or so lashings with her wonderful wet noodle and made me cum again. But this time she got off on it too, so there was a sense of mutual pleasure the second time around and not just a case of what one person did for the other.

And then I lay there in the dark long after she fell asleep wondering about Lucia, Nara and a few others. Hmm… maybe I do get frustrated at times.

November 2, 2009

I had a very violent dream involving Lucia. No one hurt her or anything like that. Instead, she was the one trying to do the hurting when she went to attack me. It was the freakiest dream ever. Usually, when someone’s trying to kill me in my dreams it’s either no one or someone I’ve had problems with in the past. But it was definitely Lucia I met up with in my dreams last night that was trying to kill me. It was the weirdest thing!

In the dream, I was crying. I don’t know where I was or what I was crying about. Lucia came up to me, telling me everything was going to be all right and talking to me in soft, soothing tones. But then she started to raise her voice which made me a bit apprehensive. Next thing I know she’s screaming at the top of her lungs and calling me an ungrateful bitch. “I oughta kill you!” she screams at me as she goes to strangle me. Now I’m more than terrified as I try to pry her hands from my neck. But the woman’s grip is impossible to break free of, and I woke up gasping for air. Fortunately, I didn’t wake Ari up because I didn’t scream out in my sleep this time. Just woke up feeling like I was going to suffocate, sweating, heart pounding – that sorta thing.

November 5, 2009

Saw Lucia yesterday and had to laugh when I remembered the nightmare I had of her trying to strangle me. She just seems so incapable of that in real life. I even told her about the dream, too. She laughed and said she was sorry she had me so terrified in Dreamland.

I don’t remember what led to the discussion coming up, but I slipped when she and I were alone in the kitchen, and mentioned being in juvie. “Oops,” I said, “You weren’t supposed to know that.”

But she took it really well. Man, that lady is just too cool! She laughed and said that that was then and this is now. We all make mistakes, but it’s who I am now that matters.

“I could hug you for that one,” I told her, and she said, “Well, then why don’t you?” and so we hugged for a minute and it was just about the best 60 seconds of the day since I didn’t see much of Ari. She dropped me off over there because she was helping a friend move into an apartment that day. I usually babysit on Sunday, but Rena and the family took off somewhere for the day.

When Ari first dropped me off, Lucia had a couple of lady friends over. I guess they weren’t much fun because she seemed to be in a hurry to rush them off. They did seem kind of phony and loud if you ask me.

Anyway, since I don’t see that much of Lucia these days, it was nice hanging out with her. She seemed to like it, too. Again I wondered if perhaps she gets a bit lonely every now and then because she just seemed so happy to see me and to really enjoy my company. I felt so at ease with her, too. We laughed and joked about all kinds of things. A lot of people make me feel like I’m just a kid, but not her. She treats me like another adult, despite the fact that I’ve only been one for a few years now, as opposed to her. Yet the 30-year age difference doesn’t seem to matter to her. I love how she is older and has evolved with much wisdom and maturity, but is still young at heart at the same time. People her age tend to be rather prudish, and God help anyone that may swear around them, but not her. She lets people be themselves. On top of that, she is such a beautiful woman.

I almost felt – IDK – sort of like I was flirting with her, even though I wasn’t, of course. Is it wrong for a married woman to flirt? Many people don’t seem to think so, so long as everyone knows up front where the person is coming from and that they intend to stay faithful to the one they’re with. What do you think? Any opinions out there?

Comments: (2)
GothicBeauty: Did you ever consider the possibility that Lucia may feel the same way about you? No, nothing wrong with flirting. It’s actually kind of healthy.
thegirlinthemirror: I agree with Gothic Beauty. I don’t know how Lucia feels about you, but flirting is ok so long as everyone remains with who they’re supposed to be with. To talk dirty and even to hug and kiss is one thing, but to go any further than that is another.

November 9, 2009

No, Goth, I never considered the possibility of Lucia liking me. I think she’s just a very friendly person who likes everyone.

Thanks for your input, thegirlinthemirror.

I’ve been so busy that every time I think I’ll get a chance to write in this journal, I end up doing something else. If someone had told me a year ago that I’d be as busy as I am these days and doing all the things I do, I’d have laughed. I just wouldn’t have believed it!

The weekend just passed in which I stayed with Nara while I fantasized about Lucia and then had wild, passionate sex with Ari once she and Lucia returned from crap shopping.

I’ve also been babysitting a little and singing a lot. Writing a lot, too. I’m making serious progress with my story. I appreciate all the feedback I’ve been getting on it, too. It helps me to know what people like and don’t like.

The only complaints I have lately is that Ari continues not to be as physical as I’d like, and I’ve been having more flashbacks lately. They seem to come in spurts. I had been doing better in that department, and the nightmares had been easing up, too. But now I’m getting hit with a surge of horrible memories that leave me both depressed and angry. I’m not ready to reveal more of me just yet, but I think I’ll be brave enough to do so soon enough.

Comments: (1)
GothicBeauty: I think Lucia likes you. You just don’t see it. Open your eyes!
ihateicavalli: So what if she does? She’s your MIL.

November 10, 2009

Thanks for the comment, ihateicavalli. So you hate horses, huh? LOL, Me too.

I hit, kicked and punched this girl so fiercely that I can’t believe I didn’t kill her. Yeah, that’s my latest confession. I remembered this the other day, out of the blue, as most of these types of memories seem to come from lately. I just don’t remember what the girl’s name was or why I beat the shit out of her. I only know it wasn’t Tess. A decade later and on the other side of the world, I wonder about her. Who was she and why did I so savagely attack her? What happened afterward? Why did I even forget this incident in the first place?

I’ve pretty much always considered myself to be a fairly decent human being, but I don’t know about that anymore.

Am I a good person? Or am I some kind of monster deep down inside? Could I have inherited some of my mother’s craziness that’s longing to be set free?

“Gothic Beauty” lay in the dark stillness of her bedroom and thought. It seemed that was all she did lately was think. And it was almost always of Melina.

She watched the movies she had had roles in, she stared at her pictures, and she read her writings over and over again. It was as if she couldn’t get her fill of these things. Now that she was achieving recognition as a singer, she attended all the shows she could possibly attend and often listened to demos she had made at home.

At the tender age of twenty-two, she was earning more money than most did in their fifties. It was amazing too, when you considered the impoverished background in which she had come from. A dusty hole in the desert with no one to really love her was all she’d had. Now she seemed to have it all. Would she ever be so greatly compensated for her own tough luck and losses?

What saddened her was that she was unable to see Melina as often as she used to because their activities had changed. Observing her for long periods of time was what she had become accustomed to. But now just a quick glimpse of the girl was a luxury to her whenever she was lucky enough to get one.

What could she do to get closer to her beloved Melina? She racked her brains for hours, trying to come up with an answer. But in the end, she realized that the only way she stood a chance of getting as close as she really wanted to was to get Ariella out of the picture.
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