Chapter 11 in Digital Confessions

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September 26, 2009

I’ve been too busy to write much lately or even work on my story, so I’m catching up on things now at Nara’s place while she’s out visiting a friend.

Life has never been better. If things could stay the same for a while I would be very happy. I miss Beth, Mitch and my friends in The States, of course, but nothing could replace my wonderful and totally hot Ariella, even if she’s too serious at times and not as horny as I’d like. And I also love hanging out with Lucia and Nara, and my jobs singing and babysitting. Still not ready for my own kiddies yet, though. Gotta live a little more first. With kids, we will be limited as to what we can do and when we can do it.

There has been just one dark cloud casting a shadow on my sunny world. It’s something I apparently forgot all about in which I remembered, out of the blue, a few days ago. I’m sure it’s a real memory too, and not just a dream as much as I wish it was just a dream. I’m just not sure I’m ready to write about it.

Comments: (1)
GothicBeauty: My non-judgmental ear is always willing to listen.

October 1, 2009

Thanks, Goth, but I’m still not sure I can bring myself to write about it. It was so, so horrible. Just as horrible as what my mother did, and maybe even worse in a sense. The people my mother killed may’ve been robbed of their lives, but that’s it, they were dead. Completely lifeless and no longer aware of anything. But the girl that this guy hurt left her with a lifetime of horrible memories, unless she too, blocked them out. It was a terrible thing to witness since I was obviously terrified enough to have blocked the event out for so long.

October 6, 2009

I guess I can go ahead with writing about what happened after all. I just hope it won’t invoke any more nightmares than I’ve already had. It’s not that I can’t handle the nightmares. I know and understand what they are and can go back to sleep once they wake me up. It’s Ari I worry about. I don’t want to worry her and cause her to lose sleep. I hate to see her all stressed out and tired the next day because I couldn’t keep my damn mouth shut in my sleep. Why can’t I just have the fucking nightmares without waking up screaming?!

It happened not long after going to live with Beth and Mitch, so I was around 9 or 10. It was winter and cool enough to walk around the area without the fierce sun burning me or the need to worry about rattlesnakes. They go into hibernation around October. I’m pretty sure it was November or December when this happened. I had walked past an old abandoned house about half a mile from where we lived. Most of the houses there are made of brick. There were no windows in this house. It was just a small, square brick structure painted light blue. Eventually, the place was bought and fixed up by an older couple with no kids.

As I was walking by, I heard voices. Curious, I made my way over towards the house, but couldn’t see anything. I heard a girl say something, then I heard a guy laugh so I didn’t think anything was wrong and wasn’t scared at that point.

I moved even closer to the empty window casing and then I could see a young girl that was maybe around 15 or 16 and an older guy who was in his early to mid-20s. I didn’t recognize them from anywhere. They hadn’t spotted me yet and I still thought everything was fine and that they were just looking for a private place to get it on. Why they’d pick such a filthy place to do it was beyond me since there were rodent turds everywhere.

Then the girl screamed as the guy pulled out a knife and ordered her to strip. My brain said to run, but my feet remained riveted to the sunbaked dirt ground. The girl began to plead for her life and for the guy not to hurt her. She promised to do anything he wanted as long as he let her live. She also promised not to tell.

“Get undressed!” the guy screamed in a terrifying voice.

Comments: (5)
GothicBeauty: This sounds like it must’ve been pretty bad even though you didn’t finish with what happened. You can always send me a private message if you need to talk one on one, Princess Melina.
MysticalAngel: OMG, this sounds like it’s going in an awful direction. I understand it must be a hard thing to write about, though, so just take it slow and easy.
patrickjones: Whatever happened, I hope the guy was burned at the stake!
Amie3497: Mind my asking where this incident took place? Just curious, and I hope that the people responsible were caught.
jbg194737: but what happened?

October 10, 2009

Had to stop writing last time around. It was just too painful to recall. I’ve also been busy, as usual.

To breeze through this horror as fast as I can just to finally get it out there and off my chest, so to speak, even though I’ll never get it out of my mind, the guy raped the girl right in front of me. I felt completely powerless to do shit about it. There was one of him and two of us. We could’ve beaten him. Yet she was just too terrified to do anything more than lie there and I was too terrified to even run for help. That option was scared right out of me anyway because when I finally was able to get my legs to obey my mental commands, someone grabbed me from behind. Someone I hadn’t seen. He held me excruciatingly tight and placed a knife to my throat. Then he threatened to kill me and my entire family if I opened my mouth. He even spoke my name and that of Beth and Mitch’s, so it was someone who knew us.

Instinctively, I kicked him as hard as I could in the knees, broke free of his grip and took off running faster than I ever had before in my life. Faster than when Miss Hayden nailed me in the head with a brick. Faster than anything! This is where the memory ends, too. And so I’m pretty sure I never told a soul about what happened that day. I don’t even know if the girl survived.

Since remembering this horrid ordeal, I have had many questions about it. Who were they? Did the girl live? Were the guys ever caught?

Comments: (2)
GothicBeauty: I hope the sickos were caught and punished. Most importantly, I’m glad you weren’t harmed in any way other than having the living daylights scared out of you and the scary memories to have to deal with.
franti009: Been reading up on things lately with you. I agree with Gothic Beauty. The bastards deserve to fry in hell, but at least you were spared and something was looking out for you that day.

Ari was once again alone with her mother and half-sister two days later while Melina was out back weeding Lucia’s vegetable garden in the late afternoon. Periodically glancing at the open door and speaking in a soft tone, Lucia asked how much she’d read so far.

“I read all of the story. You weren’t kidding about it being pretty amazing. She is extraordinarily gifted,” Ari said in Italian.

“Yes, she is,” Nara seconded.

“As for the journal, I just finished that horrible part about the girl being raped.”

“That’s how far we are, too,” said Nara, “and yeah, it’s rather horrible, alright.”

“I hate to say it, but it makes me wonder if she might have been raped when she went to escape and she’s unable to remember that part,” said Lucia.

Ari shook her head. “No, she was not raped. Of that, I can be sure of. Other things may have happened of a sexual nature, but she was not raped.”

At first, Lucia and Nara were confused, but then they realized how Ari could be sure of this.

Ari went on. “It does, however, provide me with a better understanding of things, even though it’s been awfully strange learning that my wife’s mother murdered 4 people right in front of her, she witnessed a girl being raped, she was assaulted by a teacher and could have died because of it, and then she came to have a crush on my mother.”

Lucia and Nara laughed and Nara said, “Yeah, that one came as a surprise in the midst of all the other sad stuff.”

Ari half-smiled and shook her head.

“I got quite a kick out of it, I must admit,” laughed Lucia.

After a few seconds of silence, Ari said, “I’m just sorry I haven’t been as attentive and observant as I should have been.”

“Oh, don’t blame yourself,” said Lucia. “You haven’t done anything wrong. But now I’m sure you can see why it’s not easy for her to just come out and tell you these things. She wouldn’t want to depress you or risk losing you.”

“Yes, I know. And I do understand, but I still hope she’ll open up to me more with time. There’s no chance of her losing me.”

“She will,” Nara smiled. “Just give it time and be patient.”

Melina came running inside just then.

“What’s wrong, baby?” asked Lucia.

“I thought someone was watching me!” Melina said in Italian so all three of them could understand her.

“Watching you?” Nara asked as they all headed outside. The backyard was surrounded by a tall, maroon stockade fence. Due to the trees and the angle the neighboring houses were at, no one could see into the yard even from a second-story window, which was one of the reasons the place had always appealed to Lucia.

Melina followed the women into the center of the yard which was a little bigger than Ari and Nara’s. “I thought… I thought…” She felt herself flush with both embarrassment and frustration. “…something glinted off of that corner over there and made these strange shadows like a person standing around and – oh, I don’t know what I thought!”

The others turned to her knowingly. “It’s ok,” Lucia said, gazing at Melina with sympathetic understanding and gently guided her daughter-in-law back into the house. “Everything’s just fine.”

Ari and Nara eyed her with concern.

Melina simply felt like a fool. So much so that a part of her wished the ground she’d been weeding would open and swallow her right up.

October 15, 2009

I am very sad today. The question is why. Why am I sad? Everything’s going great. I guess it must be the memories of the past that have got me down.

Making progress with my story. It’s been suggested to me that I submit it to a publisher and see what happens, but I’m not so sure I’ll want to do that.

Nothing else new going on in the present. Guess I’ll jump back in time since I can’t write about the future, not knowing what’s in it just yet.

Juvie. Now that’s something interesting I could write about; spending the 3 months I spent in a juvenile detention center. It’s not something I ever forgot, I just haven’t gotten around to mentioning it yet. I wonder just how Ari would react to learning her wife is a bit of an ex-con, but hey, I was only 17, LOL!

Can you guess what I did?

Comments: (2)
MysticalAngel: Did you steal something?
GothicBeauty: I think you stole someone’s heart and it belonged to someone who can never have yours in return.

October 17, 2009

Ha, ha, real funny, Goth. But no, I didn’t steal anything. I just kicked some ass is all. It happened in school. This girl and I got into it over some stupid shit I can’t even remember and we were both arrested and given 90 days in juvie. Yeah, I actually received the full treatment – the handcuffs, the courts, and then the jail. Although no one beat or raped me at the detention center like you see on TV, it was the longest 90 days of my life. I hated it! It was like boot camp. They made us work our asses off doing things like washing and folding uniforms, sheets and towels. The guards were mean, the inmates were mean, the showers were cold, the food was inedible, and then there were all these stupid rules we had to follow. There were only a few guards and inmates there that were cool. They helped make up for all the meanies somewhat. By the time I got out of there, I felt as if I’d been there closer to a year than a few months.

I’m really getting impatient with the lack of sex with Ari. I don’t understand her lack of interest. We were all over each other the first few months. Did I do something wrong along the way? Have I become less attractive?

Comments: (4)
GothicBeauty: Oh, honey, I’m sorry she’s neglecting you. Some people just don’t know a good thing when they’ve got it. If you were mine you would never want anything because I would make sure you had it all so long as it was within my means to give it to you. And since sex doesn’t cost a thing, I would make all the love to you that you could possibly stand.
skitzolady: I understand your frustration, Melina, but I assure you us straight women have it harder. This is because more guys tend to have problems with sex than women. You must keep in mind, however, that your Ari is older than you. Men reach their sexual peak before women do, but due to the changes we go through in hormone, estrogen and testosterone levels as we age, the appetites of both genders lessens over time. Therefore you may have to give up sex before you’re ready to, or at least accept the fact that you won’t get much of it and you may practically have to get down on your knees and beg for it. It is very common to become more like damn good buddies over time. It isn’t you, so don’t let her blame you for her lack of desire if by chance she’s doing that.
Bettina: I have read your entry and the comments, and I myself can say that you can’t change how people are, regardless of their age. Trying to get her to match your own appetite will probably only work for a while, then she’ll go back to being who she is. I was in a similar situation, and after realizing it was always me who had to be the one to bring up the issue and that I was basically going to be the man in that relationship, I knew I’d be better off finding someone else. Someone who was in sync with my own needs.
Amie3497: Hi, Melina. For whatever it’s worth, I was once with a guy who sometimes couldn’t get off and sometimes he couldn’t even get hard. I urged him to seek help. Not just for my sake, but for his. He refused and said he was happy (regardless of how I felt). Well, I don’t know how the hell one can be “happy” that they can’t have normal sex, but if you’re not happy, you should leave her or maybe get a side dish to supplement your needs.

October 20, 2009

Wow, that’s got to be the most feedback I’ve ever gotten! Thanks for all your tips, pointers and advice. You guys wrote more than I did!

I’m sorry if I gave the impression that I was unhappy with Ari. Not so. I am in fact very happy with her. I just want more of what makes me happy is all. Meanwhile, what sex we do have is straight out of heaven, and Ari has never blamed or even implied that I have anything to do with how she is. I would rather want more of it than to cheat on her. Makes it more special that way on top of how frustrating it can be at times.

On the other hand, I’ve got to wonder this: If I was suddenly alone with someone I was attracted to and they came on to me, would I have what it took to say “no?”

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