I’m not sure if there is a word to describe how I feel right now. I’m searching for it, but all I can come up with are vague descriptions. Like, I feel “maxed out.” Classic feeling words, like “happy,” “sad,” “angry,” …or even “numb” don’t feel quite accurate. And I wouldn’t say I’m quite “overwhelmed.” I just feel like I’ve taken on exactly as much as I can take on without crumbling. No more. No less.
I’m starting to think part of the reason I was able to be so productive on Saturday is because, while I had a long list of responsibilities, I got to conquer them by myself. My husband and daughter were gone, and I had the condo to myself. I can’t emphasize how much of my energy goes into those two, mainly my daughter and especially lately. The last few days it seems to have gotten even worse, if that’s possible. She’s really adorable and I love her to death, but lately I’m just feeling really, really smothered by her.
Toddlers are a wild breed of person. She’s so smart in certain ways. Like, she clearly understands far more than she can express. One way I can see this is that she can be reassured with explanations. For example, at bedtime she likes us to explain that “Leona is going to sleep. Mommy is going to watch TV. Daddy is going to watch TV.” I can see in her facial expression that knowing where everybody is gives her a sense of peace. She falls asleep much better when we go over this.
She’s also good at understanding plans. I can explain to her the next three or four things we’re going to do, and she can mentally prepare for it. Yesterday, I told her we were going to eat breakfast, mommy was going to do the dishes, then we were going to get ready and go visit Dean. I suggested we bring her new bubble machine to play with. All morning she was excited to see Dean. When it was time to go, I grabbed everything except the bubble machine, and without a single prompt she ran over with this look in her eye that said, “I got it!” and grabbed the bubble machine before heading to the door. I was pretty impressed that she remembered.
When we got to Terra’s house, though, she suddenly became impossibly clingy. We’ve been over there several times, and she’s usually very comfortable and will play with Dean for hours. It’s usually a nice break for me. So I did not cope well when I pulled her out of the car and she clung to be like a freaking octopus. We went inside and she didn’t let go for probably ten minutes, and then when she did she didn’t want to be more than two feet from me… the whole time. Poor Dean was hopelessly trying to engage her in anything. He brought her his new Easter toys, encouraged her to play on his swing set, and ran all over his house and yard trying to find something she’d like. But she wouldn’t leave my side, which made it very difficult for me to have a conversation with Terra. We were interrupted every three minutes all day.
On the drive home, she fucking lost it in the car. Right as I was pulling onto the freeway, she decided she needed something that was out of my reach and I told her she’d have to wait until we got home. She worked herself up into the biggest tizzy. I let it go on for about five minutes before I decided that I couldn’t take it for the next thirty minutes and I pulled off the freeway and into a parking lot. I opened the backdoor and was like, “what do you need!?” She grabbed my hand and held it to her chest and just said, “mommy!” Her face was all puffy and red and snotty. Ugh. So I sat there with her in the parking lot for like five minutes while she calmed herself down. She literally didn’t want anything but me.
Going to Terra’s house means that the car ride home is the only nap my daughter gets AND it’s the only “break” I get. By the time we got home I felt absolutely fucking wrecked. I tried to see if my daughter would get into bed with me and lay down, even for just thirty minutes. She wouldn’t. I came out and sat on the couch and felt my whole body shutting down. I felt like I was going to puke and pass out at the same time. It was just such an emotional day.
In other news, I’ve decided that I am going to look into getting vaccinated. I talked to my doctor about it, and I’ve decided it’s in the best interest of myself and Morgan. I also need to look into getting a psychiatrist. I asked what my doctor thinks about encapsulating my placenta, since I have a few friends who swear by this as way of battling postpartum mood symptoms. She said there is no research on it, and she doesn’t really have a professional opinion. I don’t think I’m going to do it. It just sketches me out too much. Plus, it’s a hassle to organize everything with the hospital. Also, I’ve decided that, unless my labor goes at lightning speed, I do want to get an epidural again. It felt so right last time, and I haven’t heard any reasons that negate my experience.
Questions for my next doctor’s appointment include the following:
Do they provide any kind of labor and delivery preparation classes?
What kind of accommodations will the hospital make when I’m there? Last time the food was SHIT, so I know I want to pack some fresh fruit and crackers or something. I know I will pack Morgan’s coming home outfit and a swaddle. I’ll probably pack a toothbrush and some dry shampoo. But other than that… I can’t really think of anything I’d need. Last time I packed a bunch of crap like an oil diffuser, playing cards, a speaker for music, etc. that I didn’t end up using at all.
Is CBD oil safe for pregnant/breastfeeding moms? I hear good stuff.
Okay I need to get ready for work. Ugh. Until next time <3
Last updated April 07, 2021