There are just two things I wanted to share very quickly before I get started with my day.
ONE, I don’t think I mentioned it, but I completed the content part of my study materials for my licensing exam. Yesterday, I took my first mock exam. It was a two-hour long test. Based on what I’ve heard from other therapists, most people score between 60-75% on the mock exams, and if that’s what you’re scoring, you’re ready for the real thing.
I have planned the entire month of April to take mock exams. The study materials I bought provide five different mock exams. Two of them are 2-hour tests, and three of them are 4-hour tests (like the real one). I’m planning to take both 2-hour tests, and one or two of the 4-hour tests depending on how things go. (Another thing to consider is that it takes 3 hours to go over the results of the 2-hour test, and it takes 6 hours to go over the results of the 4-hour test.)
So, how was my experience yesterday?
Well, the first thing I noticed was that I was moving much slower than I would have liked. In retrospect, this should have been something I saw coming. I know I’ve written in here before that I am a slow ass reader. This is partly why I struggle to enjoy reading in the first place, and why it was always a huge obstacle for me in school. So, as I was taking the test, I started to notice that I was coming up on half my time and I was nowhere near halfway done with the exam. As a result, I had to really race through the second half of it, which is hard to do, because there is so much information to process as a part of each question.
The second thing I noticed is that, like my study materials warned me, it is really hard to read and focus and think that hard for two hours straight when you’re not used to it. There were several times that I found myself reading the same line three, four, five times and not knowing what it said, and I was like, “Get it together, Rose!” Again, the time pressure definitely exacerbated this.
The good news is, I feel confident that I know the information they’re testing. In a perfect world, where I have way more time and way less responsibility, I would probably make myself flashcards and master the information even more, but I have to prioritize my actions and I don’t think that is a necessary step to passing the exam. I got 77% on my first mock exam, which is great. I just have to keep finetuning how to approach the aforementioned issues for the next few weeks, and then I think I’ll be ready. Today I’m going to go over the results to see if there are any themes in the questions I got wrong as well, which will hopefully improve my confidence and performance moving forward.
TWO, Katie text messaged me yesterday. It was the first time we have spoken since early January, when she told me she was having suicidal ideation and I basically said, “based on social media, you have other people to support you,” and that was pretty much the end of the conversation. I never checked in. Last night I was venting to my husband and was like, “who wants to be friends with someone who doesn’t check in after you tell them you’re suicidal??” Like, HELLO—take a hint.
So yeah. I was disappointed that, after a year and a half of me being distant as fuck, she is still holding onto our friendship. I really, really didn’t want to have to confront things head on, but at this point I really feel like I have to, or she is not going to get it. I think it’s easier for me, now that some of the emotional dust has settled.
I invited her to meet me for dinner in about a week and a half. I plan to tell her at that time that I’ve been trying to end our friendship. I want to take responsibility for my own contributions to the dysfunction. There have been several events that left me very hurt and angry, and I didn’t communicate that to her at all. I want to explain that I believe this is because we’ve been friends for so long; I didn’t have healthy communication skills when we were kids, and it’s been really hard for me to introduce them to our friendship later in life. It’s much more difficult than starting a new relationship off on the right foot from the get go. This doesn’t justify my actions, but I want her to understand.
I also want her to know how SHE has contributed to our dysfunction. There have been several things she’s said and done that were hurtful.
Most recently, it was the way she reacted to me becoming a homeowner. Not only did she say she couldn’t bring her kids to my condo because it wasn’t safe for them, and then she came chaperoned by her husband—for her safety. She also created this new scenario where I have to come to her every time we get together. That’s been a theme for a long time, and it isn’t right. I need to feel like we are both putting close to equal energy into the friendship.
I also don’t like the way she will be very generous (in a narcissistic way) only so that at some later point in time, when she wants something, she can hold her generosity over my head. I have a constant feeling of uneasiness about every damn nice thing. I want to decide when and how I show my love and not to be manipulated into it.
If our friendship is going to survive, I know I have to be better at communication and boundaries, but she needs to make an effort to accept my communication and boundaries. If every time I tell her what I am feeling or needing I receive angry pushback, I’m out. I seriously cannot anymore. And I honestly feel like I’m being very generous by even leaving the door open in the first place.
So that’s happening. Anyway, I gotta go. This entry didn’t end up being “very quick” after all, ha. Until next time <3
Last updated April 02, 2021