Let's make one thing crystal clear: in The Real Pretend Mulling

  • March 26, 2021, 7:38 p.m.
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“Having a bad day” is inevitable.

“Having a bad day” is normal.

“Having a bad day” should NOT be an acceptable excuse for mass murder.

“He’s having a bad day” should NOT be the first thing that crosses a police officer’s mind when arresting someone for mass murder. (Because, and I can’t believe I even have to say this out loud or put it in writing, THE PEOPLE WHO WERE MURDERED ARE HAVING A FAR WORSE DAY, AS ARE THEIR FAMILIES AND LOVED ONES.)

“Having a bad day” should NOT be the given answer as to why an angry, 21-year-old virgin went on a murder spree against Asian-American women, in a year where hate crimes against Asian-Americans are up almost 150%.

“Having a bad day” should NOT be in the public discourse after a mass shooting.

You “having a bad day” should NOT make me afraid to go grocery shopping, because what if some angry little incel is “having a bad day” and decides that I should die for it, along with how many other people.

Let me repeat: THERE IS NO SHAME IN HAVING A BAD DAY. We all have them. Some of us have more bad days than good. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, I’ve had at least three entire weeks of bad days, just this past month! And do you know what I haven’t done, or even considered? GONE ON A MASS-MURDER SHOOTING SPREE. Because that is not an acceptable coping mechanism! Again, I can’t believe I have to actually put that in writing, but because I live in the United States of Absolute Fucking Testosterone-Fueled Idiocy, once more for the people in the back: MURDER IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE WAY TO COPE WITH HAVING A BAD DAY, A BAD WEEK, A BAD MONTH, OR EVEN A BAD LIFE.

Here are some acceptable coping mechanisms, since clearly, I’m the first person in some of your sorry little lives who’s ever cared enough to introduce you to some non-murder coping skills:

  1. Masturbating
  2. Playing violent video games (might I suggest Wolfenstein 3D? Or Mortal Kombat? COD? Or, if you really need to see blood, how about Splatterhouse?)
  3. Masturbating
  4. Exercise
  5. Masturbating
  6. Eating more chocolate than is probably good for you
  7. Masturbating
  8. Playing death metal or screamo and screaming along
  9. Have I mentioned masturbating, by any chance?
  10. DoorDashing a bunch of food from a small restaurant and stimulating the local economy
  11. I feel like I've mentioned masturbating a bunch of times, but, like, it's actually a really good way to deal with stress, it releases a bunch of endorphins and dopamine, and hey, no one dies! Literally, anyway; the Victorians did refer to orgasm as "the little death".

Seriously, if you’re considering mass murder but don’t have the decency to call 911 and let yourself be committed, just fucking pull your pork for a bit, dude. And if you still want to murder after that, then seriously, call 911, because you need help.

I have no fucks left to give for anyone who looks at these mass shootings and says, “Now is not the time to talk about gun control,” or “we should be funding research into mental illness!”, or any other sniveling, cowardly, verbal diarrhea the right is shitting into the national discourse right now. Seriously, go hump a cactus if you’re thinking about trying to meet me on that level. There are lows to which I do not sink, for ANY reason, and if that’s the level you’re on, well, you’re just gonna have to deal with me literally looking down at you.

I am serious. Zero. Fucks. Left.

Last updated March 26, 2021

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