Know shit, Sherlock in The Real Pretend Mulling

  • Feb. 25, 2021, 4:12 p.m.
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Before I go on: This is a post about people on Facebook being stupid. I know, that’s a phenomenon that shouldn’t surprise me anymore, and it doesn’t. I’m more surprised by just how stupid people on Facebook can be. I’ll give them credit, though, a lot of the stupidity I see on Facebook is creative. Not in a good way, but still, I’ll give, like, one arm of a green star sticker for creativity.

Like this post, which is basically, “WHY DID YOU VOTE FOR BIDEN?! HE HASN’T CHANGED ANYTHING! HE ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING! FAKE PROGRESSIVES VOTED FOR BIDEN!”

And I’m sitting here thinking… Did you really, truly, and honestly think ANYONE who voted for Biden believed, for even the most fleeting fraction of a second, that he was going to pull a Bernie on us and turn the US into a socialist paradise? Is that what your heart is saying is true? Because if you did, then bish, you is dumb. Like,really fucking dumb. The kind of dumb that makes me wonder who you think the cool-looking stranger in the mirror is every morning.

Nobody voted for Biden because they believed, with all their mind, body, and soul, that he would fundamentally change anything. Nobody voted for Biden because they believed, in their heart of hearts, that he was the hero the country needed and deserved. Nobody voted for Biden because they wanted him to be in charge. Nobody who voted for Biden ever looked at him and thought, “Yes, he is the absolute pinnacle of the ideal President of the United States of America,” while red-white-and-blue tears fell in slow, dramatic tracks down their cheeks.

So why did people vote for Biden, even self-proclaimed progressives like me? Well, children, gather ‘round your Auntie Mulling and she’ll tell you. Ready? You sure? I really don’t want to blow anyone’s mind today. You’re absolutely sure? All right, I’ll tell you.

Everyone who voted for Biden voted for him BECAUSE WE COULD NOT STOMACH THE IDEA OF ANOTHER FOUR YEARS OF THE ORANGE SHITGIBBON.

That, as they say, is it. That’s the beginning, middle, and end of our thought process. That’s as deep as it goes. “Just get rid of the screaming orange thing that openly wants people dead first, then we’ll figure everything else out.”

If you want a deeper analysis, then here it is: I, a sustainable-seafood eating, fair-trade coffee drinking, PZEV-driving, intersectionally feminist, LGBTQIA-supporting, immigrant-loving, die-hard progressive, voted for Joltin’ Joe Biden because, to me, he was the chemo to the Orange Overlord’s stage four and metastasized cancer. It could be to late to stop the country dying. The cancer could be, and likely is, so far-spread that there’s no coming back. American democracy is likely on its way out. But I’ll be fucked like a whore in a port town when the Navy comes a-callin’ if I don’t do every single thing within my power to delay the end and, possibly (not likely, but possibly) heal this country’s ills.

If you have stage four cancer that is spreading throughout your entire body, and you don’t accept any kind of treatment, you’re going to die, and fast. If you have stage four cancer that is spreading throughout your body, and you start chemo to treat it, you might still die, but the key word here is might. Chemo increases your odds of survival. It doesn’t guarantee that you will survive, or that your cancer will go into remission. But it gives you a chance at survival, which is more than not taking it does.

It’s the difference between optimistic nihilism and destructive nihilism. The optimistic nihilist looks at a dire situation and says, “Okay, maybe there’s no way to stop this, but fuck it, I’m gonna try anyway.” The destructive nihilist looks at the same dire situation, grunts, and buys a can of gasoline and a flame-thrower, you know, just in case.

No, Biden isn’t a progressive. No, he hasn’t kept any of his campaign promises. No, I never expected him to. No, I don’t believe anyone who voted for him really thought he would.

But do you know why I don’t regret voting for Biden? Because I can say, with 100% certainty, that I will not die between now and 2024 because of him. I can’t say that I definitely won’t die in the next three years, but I can say that if I do, it’ll be because I was in a bad car accident, or because I ate a badly-prepared pufferfish, or because Mark’s crazy girlfriend caught us in bed and pulled a Velma Kelly on us (which, fair). But none of those scenarios will happen because I’m of Jewish descent, or because I’m bi, or because I’m a woman, or because I criticize elected leaders in writing, in ways that can be quite easily traced back to me. If the Orange Shitgibbon had been re-elected, I know I would have been dead by 2024, on at least one of those four counts. I also know that he would have repealed the 22nd Amendment, because I know he wants to run again (and trust me, that’s scary enough), in spite of literally organizing a terrorist attack on Washington, DC, earlier this year, because waaaaah, he didn’t get his way.

And yes, if that feckless orange cunt lives long enough to run again in 2024, I am voting for whoever is running against it, whether or not I think they’re “progressive”. Right now, as a country, we are in survival mode. We have to survive, at this point. There’s still a very real threat of more terrorist attacks from white nationalists and QAnon morons, and there’s still a pandemic going on which, honestly, I don’t think is going to actually get better any time soon. Not just because of the variants, but because we’re going to re-open too fast. And believe me, I get it: We’ve been cooped up in our houses for almost an entire year. There’s “cabin fever,” and then there’s… Well, pandemic cabin fever. I believe the term for this is “a Grey Gardens scenario”. Once we’re far enough past all of this, we can start fixing things.

Sorry, guys; this is gonna be a very long, very difficult, and very painful slog.


Camdengirl February 25, 2021

It’s often surprising HOW stupid people can be...

girl in recession February 25, 2021

You know what's amazing? There is news that news outlets are reporting on that ISNT trump, and its SO REFRESHING. I dont really read the news anyway, but holy hell is it nice to hear them obsess over some stupid celebrity shit now!

lessoff February 26, 2021

you are correct. i voted for him because he was a better option that trump.

i live in a republican area, my neighbor down the street (my daughter plays with her 3 kids) is posting almost daily posts about the price of gas, that BIDEN is ruining this for us and he shut down the keystone pipeline. oh and biden has gotten rid of the insulin price reduction measures. i had to look that up. he put it on hold until his administration can review it properly. im like 99 percent sure he will pass that one again.

biden is just a bandaid until we can get someone else.

oh did you also know that he is going to be declared senile in the summer time? ive read that a few times. what the heck, did they mean trump? LOL. im not sure where that information comes from.

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