Crazy Shit in Staying Connected

  • Feb. 21, 2021, 4:26 a.m.
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  • Public

Yesterday, I scheduled my licensing exam. Holy shit, it’s one of many things that I am in disbelief about. So much hard work, and, now, finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I had a similar feeling after finishing high school and after finishing my bachelor’s degree, but this time it’s like that feeling on steroids.

After high school, I was mostly relieved to be out of the grips of the stupid 8am-3pm schedule and the confines of the hallways filled with enemies. After my bachelor’s degree, I believed I was going to become a teacher, but shortly after that became real, I really understood for the first time how much I didn’t want it. I knew after I finished my master’s degree that I was going to have to work on my 3,000 hours, so it really wasn’t the sense of completion that one might expect. More than anything, I was really glad to not have to see my classmates again.

But now… the “light at the end of the tunnel” is, for the first time, the belief that I am about to embark on a journey that is both spiritually fulfilling and financially rewarding. THAT is new. And it is very fucking exciting.

The financially rewarding part is going to be a big transition. I don’t expect to suddenly have much “play money” whatsoever. With the increased income, I am also going to have several new expenses including childcare, a larger mortgage, and student loans that have been hibernating for the past few years. I also expect that I will need new furniture, a new mattress, a new car, and I’d like to have the option of taking a weekend trip or attending trainings in my field, not to mention the expenses of getting a private practice off the ground. ALL of these things have been outside of what we can afford for the entire duration of my marriage, and I have no expectation that I will even be able to cover the expenses of the things listed immediately. I expect it to take years before I can tackle it all.

This morning I scheduled an appointment with a new therapist. Believe it or not, this will be the TENTH therapist I’ve seen in my life. Granted, I saw my first therapist when I was only 17 or so, and I’m 33 now, and three of the ten therapists I only saw one time. So, they don’t really count. Anyway, the last time I was in therapy I got stuck on my mommy issues, but my mommy issues have not caused a huge disturbance in my life, so I am not too worried about circling back to them just yet. Instead, I am planning to focus on my racial identity. I know this is an area for improvement with me because every time race comes up in a professional setting, I can feel my blood pressure rise. I get panicky.

When I’m asked to address race with my clients of color, I get very insecure that I’ll be labeled as the ignorant, privileged white girl. In a lot of ways, the label is accurate, but I get lost in my tracks because I am not sure how to really own that role while still balancing my role as a therapist. It’s hard to explain, because, as I write it, I am already insecure that people will read this and think the answer is pretty straight forward, but I guess for me it gets muddled by years of being bullied for my privilege. I spent years being told by peers, and even friends, that I will never understand their struggles, and, perhaps even worse, that my struggles were invalid. It just gets really emotionally messy for me very quickly.

So, the woman I contacted is a black licensed therapist in Long Beach, and one of the things she listed as her primary focuses is racial identity. I’m looking forward to getting started.

Tomorrow we’re finally going to assemble the crib! I am ridiculously excited about this. I’m still waiting for Morgan’s wooden name sign and apple blanket to come in the mail. The name sign got delayed due to blizzards in the US, and the blanket was going to take a month to arrive regardless because its coming from overseas. Every single day I find myself daydreaming of “Morgan’s corner,” which is what she gets since she doesn’t get a nursery.

Then, next week is my husband’s birthday. On Monday I think I’m going to take my daughter and scope out our plan for a cake. My husband requested a marble cake with chocolate frosting, so I think I’ll go to the grocery store and see what they have available. If they don’t have a cake like that in the bakery, I’ll see if they can make one, and if they can’t then I will. I’ll probably buy his card and a big bow at the grocery store, too. Then, on Tuesday I am going to take my daughter over to my in-law’s house and see if I can build the desk shelf that I ordered for my husband.

Wednesday, the day of my husband’s birthday, he took the day off to be alone. We’re going to send our daughter to childcare like normal, and I have an anatomy scan to make sure Morgan is developing normally. Then I have work from 1pm-6pm. We’ll likely head over to our in-law’s after that for dinner, cake, and presents.

Phew! Next weekend I have a dinner date with Anja, and then it will be freakin’ March. Crazy shit, man. Crazy, crazy shit…

Until next time <3

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