Well, knowing I had the condo to myself yesterday turned out to be pretty anti-climatic. It was extremely difficult for me to focus on studying, so I only got about halfway to my goal and I spent the rest of the day lying around accomplishing exactly nothing. I only had two clients. There was so much potential. I guess the silver lining is, I did get rest. For the past couple of weeks, I really haven’t felt that behind on my rest, though. So, I don’t know how I would have rather spent that time, honestly.
I just feel like I need to get out of this condo. Luckily, I have a few things on the calendar.
Next Monday, my daughter and I are going to go see Terra, her son, and her new baby! He’s about two weeks old now. So that should be fun. My daughter plays really well with her son, too.
Next Tuesday, my husband and I are going to celebrate a late Valentine’s Day, which is really just a glorified date night. We try to do a date night once per month anyway, but this time maybe we’ll get a little more dressed up and exchange cards. We agreed no gifts, since there are the usual list of things we would really like to have but can’t afford… like a new mattress. I am just REALLY looking forward to eating on the patio of an actual restaurant, with servers and everything! It’s been too long.
And finally, I have plans to see Anja, too, on the last Sunday of the month. We will also likely end up doing a patio date.
We got a letter in the mail yesterday informing us that we will be receiving an $1,800 stimulus, thank God! That is all we need to pay off the credit card we had to use to pay our property taxes since the government swindled us out of our tax return last year. From there, we will be back to our baseline with no debt other than our mortgage and my student loan. Thanks to the pandemic, I haven’t had to pay anything on my student loan, not even interest. It’s just sitting there, not changing. Once I get a REAL JOB that pays a REAL SALARY, I can actually start chipping away at that beast.
I’ve been trying to imagine lately what life is going to be like after Morgan gets here. It’s hard to picture. I can see everything leading up to it. I know how to prepare. But I just don’t know what happens after. I want to believe that I will manage my postpartum anxiety better this time around, but I don’t know. I already have some worries.
- She’s going to be born in July, and we live in a little fourth floor condo with no air conditioning. It’s going to be HOT AS FUCK. I can just imagine trying to breast feed with sweat dripping everywhere.
- Right now I am on one-on-one parent duty for two days per week. So I am thinking that means after Morgan gets here, I’ll be alone with my two kids two days per week. I imagine this would be fine if it were other people’s kids, but my daughter is very attached to me, and I have no idea how she’s going to handle it when I have to give her sister so much attention. I’m hoping to frame it as a team effort that she can help me with, but I just worry there will be moments when she is like I NEED YOU NOW and I’m going to be like TOUGH SHIT and we’ll both be crying.
- My mom is planning to come and help for a couple of weeks, but my daughter is afraid of my mom. I think it’s because my mom is so incongruent. Like, she feels really anxious around my daughter because she doesn’t want to make her cry, but she puts on a happy face like they’re best friends, and my daughter senses that it’s off and wants no part. I’m thinking the best way my mom will be able to help is going to be holding Morgan so I can spend time with my daughter, and then also helping with household chores and picking up food and stuff.
- Lastly, I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the pain. I did NOT do well with the pain the first time, but this time at least I have experience and Terra promised to stock me up with the good pain killers that the doctors refuse to prescribe. That’s another complication with my daughter; she won’t understand why I don’t want her crawling all over me, or why I won’t pick her up. I also know there is the possibility of a c-section, which utterly horrifies me. I don’t know how women do that. Finger’s crossed I never have to find out.
It’s a lot for me to think about. I really want to be badass and somehow pull it all off in stride, but I’m not sure how realistic that is. I didn’t even mention the fact that I will also be having to job hunt for a licensed position and move to a new house in a new city within six months of delivering Morgan. It’s going to be a wild ride.
Until next time <3