I know I wrote an entry last night before bed, so I will keep this entry breif! I think I’ve developed a Wednesday morning entry dependency…
I was just scrolling Facebook and saw an ad for a training in my field, and it was one of a few lately that I WISH I could attend. Not only would I enjoy it, I feel like I need it in order to reach my goals of being better than average. I can’t tell you how HARD it is to find therapists who are better than average, especially ones who take insurance. This is my goals, people. I will be that therapist. Sadly, any trainings are still at least a year out of reach, if not more. I simply can’t afford to doll out the hundreds of dollars they cost to attend.
I got an email last night at midnight notifying me that my parents ordered the crib and the nightstand for Morgan! Ahhh! It’s going to take at least a week and at most a month for everything to arrive, and I won’t be able to even make a dent on making space for the new stuff until this weekend, so it’s definitely a game of patience right now. But I’m okay with that. I like the slow burn. Slow and steady wins the race.
The last thing I’ll mention this morning is that, despite my frequent rantings about my husband, 1) I am trying to pay close attention to his efforts to work on himself, and 2) I, too, am trying to identify my role in our dysfunction. One thing I suspect may be contributing to the problem is my way of bantering. I’ve always liked to tease about things being my husband’s fault, probably because my mom does that with my dad. It’s almost like 50% passive aggressive, but also 50% genuinely playful. It’s something I grew up watching and it’s for sure something I’ve picked up. I believe it has a way of chipping away at my husband, and it’s something I want to stop doing, but it’s hard. Old habits die hard.
That being said, I’ve almost completely stopped the brutal anger outbursts. I don’t know if I just passed that stage in my pregnancy, or if seeing what my husband is going through increased my awareness and control. Maybe it’s a little of both. I’ve also been working really hard at not pouring salt in the wound. Like, I’ve expressed my problem clearly once, so there is no need to keep driving my point home. I’m trying to sit back and give him space to respond.
Yesterday during my doctor’s appointment my daughter woke up early from her nap and when she realized I wasn’t here, apparently she freaked out and was inconsolable for nearly 45 minutes. When my husband told me via text message, I was filled to the brim with anticipation about how he would be when I got home. To my surprise, his usual dark cloud wasn’t there. He was speaking in a lighthearted way. It was so refreshing. Then, last night, I was complaining that I was thirsty and I had already reclined my side of the couch. I wasn’t expecting him to do anything, even though before this depressive episode “acts of kindness” was 100% his love language. When he got up and brought me my water, just to be nice, I felt that sense of relief again. Like, my husband is still in there! =)
Okay well I really need to get ready for work now. Have a wonderful Wednesday! Until next time <3
Last updated February 03, 2021