Omg I am so. fucking. tired.
Let’s see. Where to even begin? I’ll start with today and work backwards.
Today I finally had my doctor’s appointment! I was honestly more excited about it for the past week than I was today, because I spent pretty much all of today feeling totally sleep-deprived. That being said, Morgan has a healthy heartbeat! So, I’ve officially made my first purchases. I got her a four foot wide wooden name sign that is going to be stained “dark walnut,” an apple print baby blanket, and an apple beanie. The swaddle I originally wanted to get was sold out, but it worked out because the wooden sign was pricier than expected (and we’re not exactly rolling in the dough).
I’m still pretty excited to see Morgan’s space come together.
The reason I’m tired is because my daughter woke up, like, fifty thousand times last night. She’s been very inconsistent with her sleep lately. Some nights she won’t wake up at all, and other nights are so miserably disrupted. I have no idea what the deal is. And, of course, the only thing she wants is me.
The other day my husband and I got into another argument (are you bored of this story line yet?). During our together time I said something like, “I am so tired. The night before last, even though I got to sleep in, I still woke up tired because of having to wake up overnight so many times, and then this morning I didn’t get to catch up on my sleep because our daughter woke up so early.”
He responded by refusing to make eye contact and saying with a tone of irritation, “Mmmhmm,” or something like that.
I was like, “What? Why are you saying it like that?”
And he was like, “I don’t want to argue. It’s fine. You’re tired. I got it. I just want to relax now.”
I was like, “What is even the point of having together time if you’re not going to be real with me?”
And he was like, “I’m tired too!”
I was like, “I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just respond by saying something like, ‘I totally relate. I’m also tired.’”
He suddenly seemed to calm down and said that he felt like me saying that I was tired meant that he was somehow at fault. Like, if it weren’t for him, or if he would have just done more for me, then I wouldn’t be tired.
I was like, “That’s not what I’m saying at all.”
I think, once he said it out loud, he realized how he’d connected those imaginary dots in his head and that they weren’t even there in real life. I didn’t have to say anything else. He said something about how he needs to start to practice taking a step back and seeing that I’m not blaming him.
So yeah. I thought that was another good example of what I’ve been trying to explain here. I’m not going to lie. It’s been really hard lately. I just really hope he finds his way through it. I honestly feel lost about how I can even help anymore.
For whatever reason, I’ve been going through another wave of spending hours every day thinking about my past relationships. Lately, it’s been mostly Kris, a little Justin, and, of course, a little Ian. The other day I had a dream that I was sitting in a car and I literally saw Ian in my rear-view mirror (my subconscious doesn’t bother being subtle with the metaphors). I opened the door and started yelling loudly, “Ian!” to get his attention, but he didn’t hear me. He had already left and gotten on a motorcycle with a beautiful blond girl sitting behind him, and I watched him drive off.
The last thing I’ll mention are just a few things about my daughter that I’m really proud of. I can’t remember when I last updated on this topic, but she now knows several colors (purple, green, pink, yellow, orange, red, blue, brown, black, and white), shapes (circle, square, star, and heart), and she’s even starting to give counting a try. She can sometimes get to 3, but it’s hit and miss. Other times she will just count like this: “Three, three, three!” Additionally, she has mastered quite a few opposites (hot/cold, up/down, open/closed, front/back, little/big, awake/asleep). And the last noteworthy development is that she’s starting to use two-word phrases such as, “milk, please” or “daddy, help.” Today she even put three words together for the first time.
I think that’s pretty much all for now. I’m just glad tomorrow is going to be a light day. I only have 5 hours of scheduled work and one hour of studying (to make up for missing a study day last week). Then I should have a couple of hours of kid-free work-free time to finish up the laundry that didn’t get done today and maybe do some meal-prep.
Please, God, let tonight be one of those full nights of sleep. I need it.
Until next time <3
Last updated February 02, 2021