This is a strange time in my pregnancy, because I’m far enough out of my first trimester to have minimal morning sickness or other negative symptoms, but I’m not far enough along to feel the baby moving. I cannot wait to feel her moving. I dream about it all the time. Meanwhile, I’m left wondering if she’s even in there.
Next week I have my next doctor appointment, and it can’t come soon enough. I just really want to see her on the ultrasound and to get confirmation from a doctor that she’s still alive and well. If everything goes accordingly, after my appointment I’m going to start moving the furniture in my room. I’ll probably start ordering her furniture soon after. I wasn’t sure if it’s “too soon” for that, but I Googled it and the internet agreed that the second trimester is an appropriate time for these things.
My little sister, on the other hand, is due to deliver a baby girl in April, and she hasn’t done much at all other than decide that she wants to build a new room in her house. She has apparently made arrangements with my uncle to put up and knock down walls to turn her two bedroom home into a three bedroom home. The kicker? It was a three bedroom home when they bought it, and they knocked down walls at that time so she could have a walk in closet. This girl is the epitome of difficult, but what irritates me even more is that everybody in her life just goes along with it. I believe, truly and deeply, that this is the root of most of her problems. Nobody holds boundaries with her, and then she has no real grip on her life.
I hate to sound so judgmental, but these are my genuine thoughts. I still think she’s a beautiful and kind person, and I don’t have any personal issues with her. So I try to remind myself that. I guess the hardest part is getting calls from her and hearing about how emotionally unregulated and physically unwell she is. That’s when I’m like, well let me tell you from my perspective where all of this is coming from. But, alas, it would be unsolicited. Shrug.
While we are on the topic of siblings, this is a good opportunity for me to get out my brother-vent as well. I’m having some feelings about that man. I can’t remember how much detail I wrote about it in, but after our trip to Washington last summer I was feeling very hurt and angry toward my brother. He’d made comments about how therapy is bullshit (I’m paraphrasing) in addition to attacking me when I said I was worried about my dad (literally, those were my words) and he makes very little effort to maintain relationships with anybody in our family while crying that nobody cares about him. It’s just A LOT, and it left a very bitter taste in my mouth. Like, why should I invest all this emotion into you if you’re not willing to reciprocate?
And that, right there, folks, is exactly what I wanted to write about today. I’ve recently been trying to decipher which people in my life are worth how much energy. For example, I’ve been putting an increasing amount of energy toward my friendship with Terra. She’s been SO nice to me over the years. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me to do sooner. But my brother? He’s nothing but an emotional drain, and he gives so little emotion to anyone. It’s frustrating.
But THEN I think about the couple of times he’s really opened up to me.
At the same time, it’s not consistent. More often than not, he’s just absent, and when he does show up 9 times out of 10 the conversation topics never get past the superficial, or they do and he’s not authentic about it.
The other day my brother sent me a link to a chicken for sale on craigslist with the text, “You should buy this chicken.”
I was like, “This is so random.”
And he was like, “It’s a good looking chicken.”
No, he’s not socially awkward. On the contrary, he’s always been very popular and he’s probably the most likeable person in our family. He thought he was being funny. And usually, I would think this is funny—but in the context it just makes me mad. We haven’t spoken since my daughter’s birthday, and that was just a 5 minute phone call to show they remembered. We did a family zoom call on Christmas. But outside of that, no contact at all. And now this? Out of the fucking blue? Like, we don’t have that kind of rapport. And then it makes me wonder, is he trying to connect with me? If so, then be fucking REAL about it. Ask me how I’m doing. Fuck.
There was no follow up, by the way. I said something like, “I do eat a lot of eggs,” and the conversation was over.
Well, I better get to writing the last 27 treatment plans so I can finally close the door on my last job, ha. Wish me luck.
Until next time <3
Last updated January 27, 2021